» Heckles

I believe
it was Lee Mack, who asked the crowd to guess what his career had been before he started doing stand up. The usual replies of milkman, accountant etc. until a lone voice shouts out "Comedian!" Mack stops the show, looks stunned and proceeds to give the guy credit for such a good heckle, that he really had no comeback, sharp wit and so on, all the while taking his shirt off and walking towards the back of the stage. He turns round to reveal the Tshirt he was wearing underneath, bearing the slogan 'one wanker always says comedian'

I also had a bash at heckling and he compared me to a member of Hanson - I think we came out of that about even to be honest.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 17:14, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

One I made up...
What's the worst thing about your your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday?

Being tried as an adult.
(Wed 7th Dec 2005, 14:40, More)

» Pet Stories

I've always been
a 'cat person'. Not that I've anything against dogs or any other pets - just my family has always had cats and I've become rather used to their company. Now telling all the stories would take forever, so I won't recount in full the tale of Rufus who i taught to open doors, or of Nutmeg who managed to pull a pigeon bigger than her through the catflap and deposit it in the kitchen. Instead, I'll tell you about our current feline - Monty.

Now Monty is a ginger tom and he's been castrated; as such he's become something of a bloater (Seeing him superman through the catflap always amuses me) with a neurotic but soft as anything temperament. Unfortunately, he seemed to be at the back of the litter when brains were handed out - we've been treated to some truly spectacular displays of feline stupidity thanks to this old furball. My particular favourite being the day we got laminate flooring in our kitchen:

Now, Monty had gotten into the bad habit of jumping onto our kitchen counters and slapping us for food as we walked by. no matter how many times we shouted "NO!" or pushed him off, he didn't seem to be discouraged. Until I heard "skrrritch-scufflescufflescuffle-THUMP!" from the kitchen and headed downstairs to take a look. I was just in time to see our dopey mog attempting his usual leap to the kitchen counter. Unfortunately he hadn't accounted for the lack of traction 'twixt claws and laminate floor (We'd previously had carpet.) hence I see him coil up and pounce forward, but lose traction with his back legs upon takeoff (skrrritch) Monty still had enough bounce to make it towards the counter, but unfortunately lacked the necessary height so he wound up broadsiding it with his (not inconsiderable) gut and scrabbling for purchase with his front paws (scufflescufflescuffle) before falling straight on his arse (THUMP!) and walking off with the "Actually-I-meant-to-do-that-and-it's-just-coincidence-that-it-appeared-to-hurt" look.

Bless, wouldn't change him for the world :)
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 18:00, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

The daily race
I have a short cycle onto campus every day. The guilty pleasure is that I secretly pretend that I'm racing all the cars that get slowed down by speedbumps. And I time myself, nothing better than arriving all red-faced and wheezing then spending twice the time you saved on the journey recovering from the effort!
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 16:29, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

I find myself thinking
"I wonder if that would make a good facebook status" when hearing a particularly poignant lyric in a song.

I fear I might be a closet emo...
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 11:12, More)