» Bastard Colleagues

Mark The Cretin
I once worked at a pensions company in the Woking area (office now closed) where we had a couple of very "special" work colleagues.

The first was a guy called Mark (I'll see if I have more time later for others). Now Mark was intelligent, very good at his job and pretty efficient when push came to shove. The problem? He'd never ever been shown by his inbred bible bashing parents how to eat properly.

So what you might think.

I had to sit opposite this cunt whilst he tried to insert entire sandwiches into his mouth in one go and then proceeded to chomp on them with his mouth wide open. He would make squelching noises, spit food all over his desk and dribble onto his keyboard. The noise made me feel sick and want to pick up a heavy hole punch and repeatedly smash him in the face with it until he would be forced to take in any future nutrition via a straw. He would then sit there all afternoon with bits of food stuck to his face/in his hair/eyebrows/etc. Seriously - there is only so many days of someone doing something so annoying that you can take. He did benefit me (and all those who sat around him) in that we all took full lunch breaks wherever possible to get away from him. However he also made one of our senior management feel so sick in a "lunchtime" meeting where sandwiches were provided which he spat over half those there that we were never allowed food during meetings again.

He did provide a laugh in the end. An admin girl who got moved near to him lost it one lunchtime and after visibly getting increasingly agitated by his disgusting noises screamed at him "CAN'T YOU EAT WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED FOR GOD'S SAKE?". Mark hung his head in shame and then carried on eating in exactly the same fashion. The pièce de résistance was that he then sneezed and covered (and I mean covered) his keyboard, PC and monitor in some variety of egg sandwich. I had to leave ten minutes later due to hysterical laughing at him whilst he tried to clear up only to have to repeat when on my return the IT Manager was telling him he didn't care the "D" key on his keyboard didn't work now, he wasn't having another.
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 14:11, More)

» Abusing freebies

Bog roll
I worked for a paper manufacturer a few years back. I'd already got some of the factory staff on side by buying the right people drinks and pretending to agree with them when they were moaning about their salaries/working hours (think London Underground staff). So when I decided I was off I used my notice period to syphon off as much freebie bog roll as I could ignoring the staff "limits". At least twice a week for nearly three months I had so many loo rolls in my car (a Vectra at the time) there was merely a small area around the steering wheel and pedals to sit. I got pulled over by the Police twice...

I filled my parents loft and garage completely with bog rolls. I still had a week and a half to go so not wanting to let the side down I carried on taking them and flogged them to the neighbours at bargain prices.

A very heavy weekend of drinking paid for by my neighbours and my family never paid to wipe their arses for two and a half years.

My mother was so proud.
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 15:27, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

it definitely became easier
when I worked out it wasn't me that was supposed to take the Rohypnol...
(Tue 17th Apr 2007, 20:04, More)

» The Onosecond

D'oh...
As posted to the QOTW suggestions page...

After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy (and as it turned out utterly filthy) young lady called Gemma, I decided to cheer her up during a bad day at work the next day by sending a text message detailing all everything I was intent on doing to her the next time I got my hands on her. Graphically.

Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. I still haven't heard the last of this from a couple of years ago and my gran won't sit next to me at family events any more. Presumably concerned I'll be trying to roger her up the bum.

I bet my grandma got up to plenty bloody worse once upon a time...
(Thu 26th May 2005, 16:31, More)

» Job Interviews

They have toilets in offices up North?
A couple of years back I was working for a big paper manufacturer located up near Manchester. We were a man down on the team and were looking for a new SAP consultant to join us...

The office security guard came through to our area and asked the admin woman if we were expecting visitors. Yep, and why she asked. "Well" said Kevin,"there is a guy who turned up about 10 minutes ago is now pissing up the wall at the back of the car park in full view of the security camera."

Admin woman heads into the main reception and boyo is now confidently strolling towards the building. "I'm here for the interview!" he announces... Now our admin lady was not one for taking any kind of sh*t and basically said "What the hell do you think you were doing? Did you not think we'd have toilets in here?".

Now the guy hadn't lost the situation completely here and a profound apology might just have rescued the situation. However, the way his brain was wired up suggested "I'm not taking that kind of shit from a secretary, I want to see the manager who is supposed to be interviewing me" was the best line to come out with.

Good old admin lady goes in, gets head honcho after explaining the situation who comes out and tells the guy to piss off and that his manner is disgraceful. Quite why this guy thought he was doing himself any kind of remaining favour at this point returns with "this is disgusting, I want to see the director please." Head honcho takes out business card handily emblazened with "IT Director" on it, hands to him and says "we'll let you know" and walked back into the office.

He didn't get the job.

Even better on replaying the video the guy actually looked like he was trying to write his name on the wall. Nice.
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 17:24, More)