» When were you last really scared?

It was a few years ago
During the course of a fairly routine x-ray,the doctors discovered a swelling in my wife's chest.A CT scan is scheduled.Before said scan is due,we discover that she is pregnant.CT scan goes ahead which discovers large mass in chest cavity.Oh dear.Possible cancer.And up the duff.There follow 2 biopsies with a needle under local anaesthetic,which prove inconclusive.A more invasive one under general is arranged.We arrive at the hospital the day before to be told the baby could be deformed by the anaesthetic.Brilliant.(We were later told by another Dr. that this was bullshit.)So,the operation is performed and a week later its official.She has the big C.What now?
Well,she has a rare cancer and there is very,very little information about having chemo for this cancer whilst pregnant,but what they do know is that its "safe" for the baby given in the 3rd trimester.At this point she is about 4 months along.So,a decision is made to wait till she delivers before having treatment.A few weeks later,wifey starts to get short of breath and struggle to get around.The lump is growing rapidly and restricting her breathing.I badger the GP into getting oxygen for her,because she can't move from one room to the next without all but passing out.By this point,we decide she needs to start treatment,or she'll die before she gives birth.She begins chemo,which is very traumatic at the best of time,let alone when you are pregnant.Luckily,it starts to help very quickly and shrink the lump,so she can breathe again.She has a few cycles of chemo and then a break before she gives birth,to give her a chance to recover a little.My daughter is born naturally and there isn't a thing wrong with her.She is perfect in every way.I was absolutely terrified as she popped out,as we had no idea how she'd be.My wife continued her treatment and then had radiotherapy.To date,she is absolutely fine,other than the effects of the chemotherapy,which to be honest are really bad,but better than death.My daughter is at school and doing really well and there is no way you'd ever know what she went through.That is the last time I was really scared,other than periodic blips when she has her yearly check ups.
(Thu 22nd Feb 2007, 19:12, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

More Ouija Board
My Grandad,rest his soul was a merry prankster.My Nan and a group of workmates,liked to go to her house in their dinner hour and do the old Ouija board.My Grandad was thoroughly fed up of this,so one day,exacted revenge.He took him a balloon,which he inflated thoroughly.He lurked against the curtained window until they were mid seance,whereupon he popped it through the open window light and let go.The result was a farting "ghost" spazzing around the room,which caused general hysterical behaviour and one of the women actually pissing herself in fright.What a man he was.
(Wed 26th Apr 2006, 21:27, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Not I,but my father
Here is the tale of how my father and a complete stranger violated a disabled man.My mum and dad were walking round a local seaside town.Passing a public toilet,my father was asked for assistance.A lady,charged with a gentleman in a wheelchair needed help to get him to a toilet.As this was one of the subterranean conveniences,she couldn't manage him herself.So,my dad and another guy agree to carry him down the steps.That being accomplished,they busy themselves with the nitty-gritty of the operation.Now,the ladies in the audience will see the obvious solution,but these are blokes and how do blokes pee?We use a urinal.
Now,this fellow is quite severely disabled.He can't talk and to be brutally honest,the poor bugger has as many flippers as he should have arms and legs.Obviously,he can't stand at the piss pot.Ingeniously,they decide to stand either side and support him on their legs.So,we now have two fellas propping up an increasingly distressed,handicapped unfortunate.What's the next step,you wonder?The Johnson has to be extracted of course.I forgot who did the deed,but the deed was done and the appendage was duly pointed at the porcelain.They wait a while,but nothing happens.Here comes the real stroke of genius.They decided to jiggle him,whilst they whistled,to encourage him to start weeing.Now,imagine yourself in that situation.Dumb,profoundly disabled,entirely in the thrall of two strangers,having your winkie waggled and being whistled at to make you tinkle.This is where the women are screaming out what they should have done.Eventually,they looked at each other and one said,"maybe we should have sat him on a toilet"
They looked at him and he nodded gratefully,no doubt screaming inside,begging a non-existent God to deliver him from his torment.Anyway,after that,it all gets less interesting.They sat him down and he did his busines and they were on their way.Imagine the story he could tell his kids.If he could speak that is.
(Thu 24th Aug 2006, 0:24, More)

» Evil Pranks

Have a repost
My Grandad,rest his soul was a merry prankster.My Nan and a group of workmates,liked to go to her house in their dinner hour and do the old Ouija board.My Grandad was thoroughly fed up of this,so one day,exacted revenge.He took him a balloon,which he inflated thoroughly.He lurked against the curtained window until they were mid seance,whereupon he popped it through the open window light and let go.The result was a farting "ghost" spazzing around the room,which caused general hysterical behaviour and one of the women actually pissing herself in fright.What a man he was.
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 18:53, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Stripey cat,we hardly knew ye
On holiday in Fuerteventura with two friends a few years back flying kites and stuff,we found that our apartment complex had its own collection of sort of tame cats.The reps warned us not to feed them or let them into our rooms.They reckoned without our love of cats,amplified many times by booze.So,one night after a heavy evening,we coaxed three or four of the little fellas in and gave them milk and stuff.Stripey cat was our most favourite,because of his ace stripes.I fell asleep with him on my chest....
....and woke up with the entire top of my bed covered in foul runny cat shite.And then the cleaner came in to do the floors.Thankfully she didn't come into my room.Stripey cat you ungrateful bastard.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 10:05, More)