G'Noon Lully b3tans !
100% hummus from DtH (who else ?)


edit/ FP ! Glee !
(Tue 13th Dec 2005, 15:06, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

The story behind........TWIGS
At junction 27 of the M1 southbound, there, in large pink letters is the word "TWIGS". My best friend Paul* was hung upside down by his ankles in order to spray this immortal word on the aforementioned bridge.

What's so makes that the best graffiti ever you may ask ?

It's not so much the graffiti, it's the story behind it .....

Back in the 1980's, a group of my goth/rock pals decided to form a band, named aptly "The Secluded Twigs", Paul* being the frontman/ vocalist.

They never picked up an instrument, never made a demo and never played a gig, yet they were once the most infamous band in Nottingham with a huge underground following.

Nigel's* ("guitarist") philosophy was as did Tony James with Sigue Sigue Sputnik whip up a media frenzy over nothing, so they would do with the Twigs. Bogus European Tour posters being pasted all over Nottingham, escalating rumours of private gigs, "those in the know" ranting on about how they'd managed to get exclusive tickets and back stage passes to their gigs in Estonia, Hungary etc etc. People were desperate to get hold of bootleg tapes they'd heard "just the once somewhere" and before long, "those not in the know" were boasting about private invite gigs they'd been to and "how ace the Twigs were and how they hoped they'd never make it big time, coz they needed to stay underground in Europe and stay cool and credible"

Oh the joy !

The culmination of the Twigs' career was a private gig that was held in Sherwood Forest in 1989. Letters suddenly started pouring into Nottingham Evening Post from outraged people all over Nottingham, the majority of outpourings coming from pensioners who were naturally appalled and the most offened being an elderly gentleman by name of "Mr Daniel Ash", whose letter was the first to be printed. Infact all the letters got printed. The best to come was when "the twiglets" (fanclub) started to blab on about how they'd been there. at that gig. that was never played. and the Twigs had been awesome.

Oh were you ? I must have not seen you ?

The band "split up" not long after that and naturally half of Nottingham's underground rock scene were devastated. That was the end. Unless they decide to "reform" of course.

So, if you're ever lucky enough to see TWIGS graffiti, remember they were once the next big thing to come out of Nottingham.
Well they would have been had they ever existed.

*names not changed to expose the guilty.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:18, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Zak
My Weimaraner was a gorgeous boy, ridiculously handsome, winsome and woosome, if not a little bit dim.

He was a typical Weim, very muscular and powerfully legged. Sometimes his front legs would get carried away with themsleves with the result that rest of him didn't always stop in time. Many a jaunt in the fields ended up with the floppy-eared fool either cartwheeling (literally) down hills, great sweaty paws flapping all over, nosediving into hedges or head-butting stiles.

Anyway, so to my act of untintentional cruelty :

I'm not very good with heights, I can't walk over railway bridges without coming out in a cold sweat, but this particular day I needed something from the loft (can't remember what it was) and I needed it badly enough to put up the extending aluminium ladders and go up there - MYSELF !

Anyone who's owned a Weim will know that they are incredibly nosey dogs and need to know exactly what you are doing and how they can help/get in the way. I don't know how he did it but he quietly followed me up the ladders and suddenly I was faced with the triumphant lolling-tongued grin of my big stupid dog.

Well I could just about get myself down the ladders but there was no way could I schlep seven and a half stone of heaving Weimaraner down at the same time. I knew there was no chance of him re-negotiating the ladder rungs in a downward fashion, so what to do ? "I'll get me down first and then worry" thinks I, so I very hesitantly wobbled my way down back onto the landing (did I mention this was at the top of the very steep stairs ?)and looked up to see Zak's quizzical jowly features staring down at me from the loft hatch. He was obviously aware of the dilemma too and to give the dog his dues he did try a couple of solutions before settling on the front-paws- either-side-of-the-rungs-back-paws-on-the-rungs technique. He started inching down slowly, slowly, it was working !! Then he just stopped. "He needs encouragement from his mummy" I thought and started yelling motivational rubbish at him "come on Zak good doggy best doggy dog, oooh does he want some beefy beef good boy ? come on then boysie come to your mummy !!!" Well it certainly worked, the legs went into super-uber-mega-overdrive. If you can imagine smooth leathery paws on aluminium with 110 pounds of dog behind them you can imagine the speed with which he whizzed down those ladders, and of course the legs did.not.stop. I watched in awe as he hurtled past me and down the stairs at warp speed straight into the door at the bottom. "BWONK"

He wobbled a bit and then slowly turned to meet my horrified gaze, a single trickle of blood from his right nostril. He sat down, stood up, sat down again and went "Ummmmmm"

He was okay though and lived to top his high flying gymnastics with ever more daring feats of stupidity.

I loved that dog.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 12:43, More)

» Dentists

Tales from the surgery - squitty mouth !
One day a nice chavvy lady bought her equally chavvy son to our surgery, insisiting that "Ee needs to see the Doctor straightaway 'is marf as rottid !!" After a poke about and surpressed gagging from both myself and dentist, he turns to the lady and calmly tells her that her darling son is suffering from pyorrhea (advanced gum disease). She replied with a totally straight face "Is that why 'is breff stinks o' shit then ?"
(Fri 3rd Nov 2006, 14:34, More)

» Injured Siblings

Tra la la !
I was four and my lovely little brother, about 6 months old, was sitting in his highchair looking unbelievably cute (peachy baby skin, huge brown eyes and wispy blonde hair). I thought it might be fun to turn his cute little head from being a soft peach into a mushy tomato.

With my plastic spade.

To the tune of "Banana Splits" - Tra la la ..la-la-la-la.. tra la la.. la-la-la-la ! over and over again until the spade snapped.
Even though it must have really hurt, he didn't cry once but when I was finally compelled to stop due to the spade breakage, he looked up at me and said "La".
One of my friends snitched to my Mum and I got banned from playing in the sandpit for the day.
Small punishment methinks.

I'm so sorry Jamie, so so sorry.
(Mon 22nd Aug 2005, 11:49, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

Smug Yorkshire Nana - Mid Eighties
(the era, not her - she was two hundred years old) would sit, smile and nod knowingly to herself whenever "the threat of nuclear war" etc. would rear it's head in conversation. Faced with the inevitable question "Nan it's no laughing matter you know ?" She said "Well luv I've nowt to worry about, them bombs an fallout stuff'll not touch us up here".
"EH ???"
"Well tha knows Sheffield's a nuclear free zone..... an besides which all them CND girls are lisburns"

When she found out eventually that "gay" actually meant something other than "bright and cheery" she would whisper things like "ooh your friend Michael's a nice lad fer a Pansy Potter, but eee's a bit Gay-A-Y int ee ?"

Condiments were "condoms" - "Pass them condoms over luv, yer Grandad'll not touch his pork unless it's got pepper on"

She was also responsible for the death of at least 20 electric kettles, due to her boiling eggs, minced beef and packet sauces in them.

Awww bless.... (?)
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 15:01, More)