» On the stage

Luckily I didn't have any boobs yet
Well, when I was in the fifth grade, the ribbon holding up the top of my ballet costume broke on stage and I had to dance offstage holding it up so the teacher could tie it back together. But the audience thought it was part of the dance cause I didn't act like anything was wrong, I just danced very calmly on my toes right offstage, got it fixed, then danced back on.

In high school, I tried out for the school play and I was so bad they made me the director.
That is all.
(Mon 5th Dec 2005, 3:09, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

I went out to a keg party
with my ex girlfriend and her scabrous new girlfriend. I was tripping on mescaline. The people had a carpeted stage in the basement and some ugly girl was on it playing a guitar and singing wretched original songs.
The performer stopped and asked me and scabrous new girlfriend to stop talking. She actually asked us our names first and then asked us by name to stop disrupting her performance.
Ex girlfriend, who was the butch type, said [isoscles brown] is going to sing now and took her guitar. We played Angel From Montgomery and then I spent the rest of the night in a corner with two guys telling me about some zombie movie they'd rented from the store I worked in.
I meant to say the shushing guitar player was pretentious but reading what I wrote five years after it happened makes me realize I'm pretentious too. Tee hee!

P.S. Did anyone else get a pop up from the Cloaca site with animation of Mr Clean with no torso or legs and exposed intestines telling you to buy one of these machines to improve the look of your home's interior; I believe he also mentioned something about it being a good investment. I shit you not!
(Thu 29th Sep 2005, 7:09, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Just remembered this
Not really a lie per se, but my brother was a terrible baseball player when we were in elementary school so my dad would tell him alternately that he played baseball like Michael Jackson, or Elton John.
Me: "Daddy, I didn't know they played baseball."
Him: "Well, if they did, they'd play like your brother."
This is pretty funny to me now.
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 20:26, More)

» Essential Items

My divorce papers
and the paper that states I have temporary custody of my little boy pending the big divorce hearing in a couple of weeks. So my redneck mouthbreather fuckass soon to be ex husband can't walk up to my mother and take my kid if she is out without me. Waah.

But you know me, I hate to complain.
Joke about your length here.
(Sun 30th Oct 2005, 1:32, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

I saw some young hipsters driving an antique hearse
and it occurred to me it might upset someone who has just lost a loved one to see the hearse, complete with bumper stickers which demonstrate how cool the occupants are, etc, used for joyriding.
Also, on an unrelated note, I heard a cover of the Cure's Lovesong done to some kind of faux ska beat and wanted to eviscerate the band doing it. But that might hurt the feelings of someone whose loved one has recently been eviscerated, so I didn't.
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 20:31, More)