» Clients Are Stupid

Amazing
While discussing a lady in my work with an I.T. representative who had dealt with her inane queries on many occasions :(e.g. "How do I turn this on? - Press the ON button" and the likes). We went to another pc in the office and tapped into her pc, we (or he) sent a fake windows error message to her screen saying.

"WINDOWS HAS ENCOUNTERED A MAJOR FAULT. GET UNDER THE TABLE. NOW."

Believe it or not, she did, and stayed there until someone asked her what she was doing.

Laugh?, I nearly died.
(Tue 30th Dec 2003, 15:17, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Dance of the flaming Arsehole
My friend decided (in an advanced state of drunkenness) that he would attempt to run the perimeter of my back garden (20 to 30 metres). Simple enough you say.

Not when he has his trousers and kecks at his ankles with a few sheets of A4 paper (rolled up) shoved up his erse and set alight. The point of the game is to reach the end of the course without scorching your ringpiece.

He made it about 1 metre.
Thus ending the game.
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 16:41, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Football (soccer) fans
Working for a Football Club on a match day has its MANY annoyances. Here is a conversation I had with one 'supporter' 15 minutes before kick-off for a high profile game that had been sold out for over a week.

Me : Hi, can I help you
Him: Yeah, I need two tickets for today
Me : Sorry sir, we're sold out
Him: What? Completely?
Me : Yes, sold out last week
Him: Not even two left
Me : No, we're sold out, there are no tickets left
Him: Not even two restricted view seats?
Me : No
Him: Ok, just give me two seats sitting apart from one another
Me : ?? We don't have any, we're sold out
Him: Ok, Just give me two for the ???? stand
Me : ?? Sir, WE HAVE NO TICKETS, WE ARE SOLD OUT
Him: WHAT?? THAT IS F*/KING SHOCKING, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, I'M A SHAREHOLDER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
Me : Bye now


Or this guy who phoned on a day our computer systems had crashed.

Me : Sorry sir, I can't get access to your file as our computers are down
Him: I just want information on my Season Ticket seat, can you do that
Me : We'll see, where do you sit? whereabouts are you situated (Meaning, where is your seat?)
Him: Oh, eh, Ah'm in a pub doon the gallowgate
Me : ????

There are too many more too mention
(Tue 30th Dec 2003, 11:20, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Brotherly love
My brother and I were babysitting our younger sister while our parents were at a neighbours house. (She was about 8 and we were 14 and 16) We convinced her that night was the night plastic bags came alive and ate people. (over active imaginations)

We had previously placed a plastic bag in the middle of the living room and tied a piece of string to it, trailing it under the couch we were sitting on and up the back. She was shit scared from our 'scary' story.

We pointed out the bag on the floor and almost immediately I tugged on the string, the bag flew toward our couch.

My sister saw this, panicked, shrieked, and leapt about 5 feet to the seat opposite us. (an exceptional jump for an eight year old).

She told our parents and they nearly pished themselves.

She hates us now. Oh well.
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 10:43, More)