» Intense Friendships

Pooh sticks
My friend any myself used to play Pooh Sticks with a difference. My house was a 5-storey building with a soil pipe that ran up the entire height of the back of the building. Down at ground level, there was a pipe that came from the sink in the basement and flowed directly into this soil pipe. It was not glued on, and only held in place by a C-shaped bracket, so could easily be moved up or down, allowing access to the soil pipe.

So, what we'd do was to save up our pooing times until we were both allowed out to play. Then, one of us would rush up to the 2nd floor and curl one out. The other person would stand downstairs with a large twig (or twigs) inserted into the soil pipe and catch the brown bundle of joy. 2 floors up ensured that the poo was nearing terminal velocity by the time it reached the sticks. You can imagine the results. It was then customary to throw the prized catch at each other.

I haven't played with poo for nearly 20 years now.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 15:16, More)

» The best thing I've built

Cat-activated cat squirter
After suffering with a cat who insists on climbing on every kitchen surface and realising that a squirt of water was the best defense against paw prints everywhere, I decided to build an electronic squirter.

The device consists of an infra-red beam and sensor which, when interrupted by a cat*, activates a pump that takes water from a box and fires it in the direction of the cat*. For added scariness I've also wired in a device that creates a hissing sound when triggered**.

*or forgetful human
**I don't personally find it particularly scary.
(Fri 12th Oct 2012, 12:22, More)

» Urban Legends

Exploding chocolate and the reintroduction of the half-penny piece
Once worked in a newsagents. Managed to convince the two slightly dappy women who worked in there that certain chocolate bars would explode if not stored correctly. Back in the days when good-quality laser printing was the thing of (some people's) dreams, I created an official-looking letter from the Authorities. Said that one of two things would happen -either the chemicals in the wrapper would melt and cause a "torrent" of chocolate to run through the shop, or the wrapper would react so severely with the chocolate that it would blow a 2 foot-wide hole in the ceiling. I left very clear instructions on how the chocolate should be laid out. Came in the next day to find that my instructions had been followed to the letter!

Also managed to convince them through a similarly official-looking letter that the half-penny piece was to be reintroduced. Printed out a load of stickers that could be added to things and came in the following day to find that all the cigarettes had gone up to £2.75 and a half.
(Tue 10th Jan 2006, 16:00, More)

» Bad Smells

Sulphur tablets
As a sweet-loving 8 year old, my Dad took me into a pharmacy where I spied a packet of what, in my mind, was another delicacy that I'd never tried. I convinced him to buy these things called "Fruit-Flavoured Sulphur Tablets". The warning of "Consume no more than 3 tablets in any 24 hour period" meant nothing to me. I'm not even entirely sure I knew what the word "consume" meant!

30 minutes and about 36 tablets later I had finished the bag. Not the nicest sweets I'd ever had, but they were slightly sugary, so I was happy.

1 day later, cue an 8-year old child sitting on the toilet desperately trying to "go". But with anything that emerged from his backside resembling the smell emitted from those little glass stinkbombs you could buy, only worse. Much, much worse. The foul stench would cause me to vomit and even a towel wrapped tightly round my head did nothing to lessen the odour.

The next day, I learnt that I could have fun in class and get the place evacuated pretty quickly just by farting. I had never had this level of power before and I probably never will ever again.
(Thu 23rd Jan 2014, 12:32, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Sleet
Several years ago I was on the bus into college. on miserable December morning. The college had a large hairdressers' training school and was inhabited by everyone who didn't qualify for the local nitting courses.

Anyway, there are these two girls at the back and it started sleeting. The conversation between them went something like this:
Hairdresser 1: Oh Look, it's started doing that thing where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresset 2: What? Sleeting?
Hairdresser 1: Yeah, but there's a special name for it. It's where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleet
Hairdresser 1: NO! There's a special name. It's like when it... like rains and snows at the same time.
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleeting.
Me: It's f*cking Sleeting, now shut up.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 16:09, More)