» Teenage Poetry

My poem is cool
There was an old man that lived in a box
He had dirty hair and didn't change his socks

Although he was poor, he did like his meat
So he'd catch all the pigeons and have them to eat


RRRRAAAAWWWWWW

I even had drawings to go with poem
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 16:22, More)

» Too much information

A coupla years ago
My ex missus had to go home back to North Wales because her Mum had gotten quite sick. Not sick as in dying but sick as in she caught some bug. Anyway, said ex goes back to help her Dad out with caring for Mum. A few days later ex asks me to go up there to help out as well as her Dad had now gotten sick. I couldn't go up straight away as it was a weekday so arranged to go on the weekend. COme the time of the weekend everyone is pretty much better but i still have a paid for ticket so go anyway.

When I get up there. I was making idile chat with her Dad saying things like "It's good that everyone is better now" and ask how he's feeling. I expected the usual "Oh I am fine now", instead I got told everything in quite gory detail.

It turns out that the Mum was sick in bed and needed to go to the toilet. Unfortunately, the Dad was at the shop getting medicine so the Mum decides to empty her bowels anyway all over the bed. Not easy clearing stools but a pool of brown gunk. The Dad got back home carried the Mum into the bathroom and washed her, changed the sheets and put her back to bed. This happened a couple of times before the Dad unsuprisingly got sick.

He proceeded to tell me that when he got sick he was trying to care for both him and her. She said she needed to go to the toiler. He went to help her. The strain of lifting her up made him shit himself. He didn't just leave it there. He repeated again with more emphasis "I shit myself".

I was standing there with a pained look saying things like "Oh that is terrible" but in truth the insides of my cheeks were bleeding from biting too hard. I had to get out of the house which I did by pretending my phone was ringing not just to laugh but to get away from the smell in there. It smelt of days old shit and vomit!

There are other occasions where he has told me too much information
(Sat 8th Sep 2007, 20:54, More)

» Personal Hygiene

My old flatmate was a stinky bastard
Mark was his name, he stank badly. Unfortunately in our flat for a period of a couple of months, we had problems with the hot water. It was fine for me as my parents house was just round the corner so I would pop round there for showers /baths etc. Anyway, he didn't have this luxury and as he was so stinky my parents would not allow him in their house. This guy was unbelievable. My friends never used to come round as the flat stank so much. For the entire time we were there he never changed his sheets once. His room was piled high with clothes that he wore and wore again without washing them. He would cycle to and from work building up even more of a sweat and not showering. Our flat smelt foul. It got to such a stage that I could no longer face entering the flat. I spent most of the last 2 months of our tenancy round at my parents. He never once emptied the bins. I always had to do it. I remember going away for 2 weeks and coming back to find 6 black bags sitting in the kitchen. There were soooooo many flies. He used to wank in the living room at night (caught him twice) and leave the tissue on the coffee table.

He now lives with a bunch of Australians so I guess he fits right in.
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 14:16, More)

» Conned

I love conmen
When I was younger I used to do such things as changing the price tags on footballs to get the best ball for the price of the cheapest ball.

I still do stuff like that now, just not so blatantly. One of the things I do is when buying a suit, I will put the trousers over the blazers coat hanger so that it looks like it is a complete suit. I have done this several times and got away with it every time.

I love it when people try to con me. One that comes to mind is a young kid asking me for some change to get home. I asked him how old he was. He told me 16. I told him that as this is London, people his age get free travel. He scuttled off. He asked me the same thing two weeks later. He got the same answer.

In Wembley there used to be this guy who asked me every night for a pound for something to eat. One night I was queuing in the McDonalds in Wembley Park when he asked me the same question for the second time in the space of an hour. I asked him how could he possibly be hungry again after a gave him a pound for food not even an hour previously. He looked at me very suprised and left sharpish.
(Sat 20th Oct 2007, 2:17, More)

» Heckles

Destroyed by comedians...
Went to some comedy club in Camden, Jonglers I think. Anyway, me and my mates all decided to stay out as late as possible to avoid us having to sit near the front. After about 15 minutes I looked at the ticket and realised they were already numbered. Oh crap we thought. I came up with the slightly drunkard brilliant decision that I would pretend I was a mong, purely so the comedians would not pick on us. Anyway, we get into the club and find we are sitting on the second row right bang in the middle. Prime location for the comedian to rip into us. 'Don't worry lads, if they say anything I will do the mong thing' said I. 'Definately do it Clivicus' said they. So, as soon as the comedians get started he asks me a question. 'Whats your name, you sitting all there in an awkward manner' said the comedian. 'My name is Clivicus' says I in my best mong voice. Comedian pauses, knowing that he probably cannot rip into me due to the fact it being un PC. I think to myself 'that showed him' and then proceed to turn my head to the right only to see my mates all laughing. I then turn my head back to the left thinking 'oh shit' to then await the onslaught of comments from the MC and the comedians.

Mind you I did alright and actually got one of the comedians to stop his act midway and just stand there, not knowing how to respond to my heckle.

Length and girth still the same as it was before
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 17:10, More)