» Mini Cabs From Hell

East London cabs
Top tip 1 : When drunk and getting a mini cab home in East London always make sure you have lots of pound coins in your pocket ( try not, whilst in the pub, to change your fruit machine winnings into large notes ). That way when you find out it's an unlicensed cab and they quote an unreasonable rate at the end of your trip and they start larging it with you, you can give them the £8 they asked for a £3.50 fare. Oh, but always remember to say ‘ if you need it that much you cunt there you are... ‘ and strew your coins all over the road.
Ever seen a cab driver standing at the side of the road deciding whether to actually take the risk of picking up 8 pound coins strewn all over Lea Bridge Road at about twelve o’clock on a Saturday night. Priceless ! Mind you, went I went outside of my flat at 3 in the morning spliffed up I could only find five. It was still worth it

2 : Oh, when you ask East London mini cab drivers how much the fare is and they invariably say ’ how much do you usually pay mate ? ’, always say ’ a pound ! ’. It really wicks the fuck out of them. Pip, pip.
(Fri 28th May 2004, 0:44, More)

» Toilets

french cum and a gay ninja
I had been on holiday in Germany with my outlaws in wonderful town in the Black Forest. Found out the Germans to be very nice people, quite a revelation. So we a driving back to Blighty and therefore drive through France to get the ferry back. Needing a large poo we pull off at this desolate toilet at what passes as a French version of an A road. As I walk in, right in the middle of the floor is a splattered puddle of French cum on the floor. As if some seedy little Frenchman had decided “ not only will I have a wank in a public toilet but when I cum my duff I’m going to shoot it right in the middle of the floor so everyone can see it “. The trouble is when anyone talks to me about France THAT is the image that immediately pops into my head…shudder.

I was 20, it was the mid 80’s and my girlfriend, who was a hairdresser, takes me out clubbing to a gay club. No problem. I think it was when I was going the toilet I got worried about my attire. Tight black leather trousers ( I was a longhair ) and a t-shirt with a picture of Gnasher on it bearing the legend “ Gnash “. So, not to confuse the patrons I went to pee in a cubicle…it had no lock on the door. So I perform my ablutions with my foot against the door. I finish, start to lace up the front of my trousers ( oh, I forgot to mention that 80’s fashion detail ) and suddenly a bloke pushes in through the door, closes it behind him, smiles and runs his hand across my leather clad packet…all in one fluid movement, like some kind of gay ninja. Luckily it was the one moment in my life when the right answer came at the right time. I respond with “ fuck off or my boyfriend will kill you “. This gave me enough time to extricate myself from the cubicle. I get back to my pissed girlfriend and tell her what has just happened…her response “ Great ! Let’s dance “…and so we did. Ah, the joy’s of dating thick blonde hairdressers.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 19:16, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Cheshire innuendo
A buddy of mine, Ashley, he’s a nice bloke but…

He used to work at one of the swanky halls in Cheshire, serving dinner in one of the restaurants. Anywhoo. One evening, there is a big corporate dinner being held and Ash is serving the dinners. He tried to pass one of the plates of food to one of the guests, but one young lady was sitting there chatting as he tried to do so. I guess he meant to say, “ Excuse me, could you just move forward a little so can pass this to your friend ? “, what he actually said was “ Do you mind if I just come over your head ? “. Ash stands there mortified and goes bright red but the table erupted with laughter...and...apparently, he got a big tip at the end of the evening from the folks at the table. Quality !
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 20:48, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

not exactly heroes
In used to work for Boots and also Marks and Spenser in the West End. Served or saw many celebs.

When at M and S I did a year or two on the returns desk. Being a busy store, people would buy stuff, try it on at home, then bring them back. No problem. I have held in my hands one of Gloria Hunifords " bodies ", you know the type of thing with poppers in the gusset.

Joanna Lumley also handed me her unwanted bra. To my shock, cos I just had to check, she is only an A cup. Very disapointed. The Dept was also based on the lingerie floor...heaven !

Oh, and whilst working for Boots, I found myself sat on a till for the lunch hour. Mindlessly bored by this, I kept my spirits up by oggling chests of the female customers...as you do on sunny days in the West End. While humming and ah-ing on the relative mertits of one particular set of norks, I looked up and noticed they belonged to legal superwoman Helena Kennedy...and she caught me ! Such an icy look...which I well deserved !
(Sat 27th May 2006, 23:03, More)

» Childhood bad taste

Oh the shame…
13-ish: Always buying shoes with really thick soles because I thought John Travolta was cool ( Which he was in “ Pulp Fiction “. The same could not be said of his role in “ Grease “, which I was trying to emulate. ).

15-ish: Phoning my mum up, telling her I was not going into school and I was coming back home because I’d put too much patchouli oil on.

16: Skin tight black canvas jeans, white cowboy boots and a Motorhead England
T-shirt.

16: Being told to take off my leather jacket for my class photo at school. Unfortunately I was wearing a “ Girlschool “ T-shirt. I went to an all boys school.
Apparently there were a lot of upset dads who wanted to batter me to a pulp when they were printed.

17-ish: Flat cap ala AC/DC’s Brian Johnson and Legging ankle warmers ala Fame…at the same time. Also in the same year, a wine coloured velvet jacket with a plush snoopy toy in the top pocket, whilst wearing my girlfriend’s gipsy top…oh the shame.

Eyeliner !

If you have long hair DON’T let either female friends or girlfriends who are hairdressers practice on you. One styled my beautiful long locks into something resembling a WWII German helmet. The other, once it had grown back, gave me mullet !

And finally. Not exactly first records but… buying a single by Olivia Newton John and one by the Sex Pistols at the same time. The bloke at the record shop was good enough not to piss himself laughing.
(Sun 12th Dec 2004, 14:39, More)