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- a member for 5 years, 10 months and 6 days
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- has posted 29 stories and 1 replies on question of the week
- They liked 13 pictures, 1 links, 0 talk posts, and 100 qotw answers.
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» The Police
He jumped without a parachute
My dad used to be a copper. One day he was called to the local parachute school where a bloke had plummetted to the ground after his chute failed to open. Said parachute school is on the border of two counties, so officers from two forces turned up.
As they stood over the dead guy, firmly embedded in the earth, my dad, who will do anything he can to get out of paperwork, decided the corpse wasn't in Nottinghamshire - it had fallen into Leicestershire, and tried to get the other rozzer to deal with it. The Leicestershire copper argues the body was in Notts and therefore not his juristiction either. After a heated argument, the OS map comes out, they unfold it over the bonnet of the panda car , work out which square they're standing in, work out the scale then pace out the required number of steps from a local landmark to determine where the county boundary is in this field. Turns out the stiff was in Leicestershire by three paces. Me dad went home.
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 8:21, More)
He jumped without a parachute
My dad used to be a copper. One day he was called to the local parachute school where a bloke had plummetted to the ground after his chute failed to open. Said parachute school is on the border of two counties, so officers from two forces turned up.
As they stood over the dead guy, firmly embedded in the earth, my dad, who will do anything he can to get out of paperwork, decided the corpse wasn't in Nottinghamshire - it had fallen into Leicestershire, and tried to get the other rozzer to deal with it. The Leicestershire copper argues the body was in Notts and therefore not his juristiction either. After a heated argument, the OS map comes out, they unfold it over the bonnet of the panda car , work out which square they're standing in, work out the scale then pace out the required number of steps from a local landmark to determine where the county boundary is in this field. Turns out the stiff was in Leicestershire by three paces. Me dad went home.
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 8:21, More)
» Take my Mother-in-law...
MIL - mad as a box of frogs
My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a kitchen in less than five and a half hours and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs, one for downstairs and one for outside.
Yes - outside.
In the winter, those pesky birds drop seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere. The solution? Hoover the lawn.
Oh yes.
Mad as a goose on stilts.
(Fri 9th Sep 2005, 19:09, More)
MIL - mad as a box of frogs
My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a kitchen in less than five and a half hours and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs, one for downstairs and one for outside.
Yes - outside.
In the winter, those pesky birds drop seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere. The solution? Hoover the lawn.
Oh yes.
Mad as a goose on stilts.
(Fri 9th Sep 2005, 19:09, More)
» The Police
Contemptous hacks
As a group of trainee journalists in Peterborough the early 90s, we spent a lot of time sitting in the magistrates' court practising our legal training.
One day, m'learned friend the prosecution was questioning plod about what happened when he stumbled across a dodgy pair breaking into a warehouse.
Plod gets out his notebook and says, in that deadpan, Mr Cholmondley-Warner voice, "I was proceeding in a westerly direction when I heard the phrase "Stone me, it's the Rozzers".
We never heard the rest of the story. All 11 of us pissed ourselves laughing and were escorted out of the building for being in contempt of court.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 17:41, More)
Contemptous hacks
As a group of trainee journalists in Peterborough the early 90s, we spent a lot of time sitting in the magistrates' court practising our legal training.
One day, m'learned friend the prosecution was questioning plod about what happened when he stumbled across a dodgy pair breaking into a warehouse.
Plod gets out his notebook and says, in that deadpan, Mr Cholmondley-Warner voice, "I was proceeding in a westerly direction when I heard the phrase "Stone me, it's the Rozzers".
We never heard the rest of the story. All 11 of us pissed ourselves laughing and were escorted out of the building for being in contempt of court.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 17:41, More)
» Best Comebacks
Plebs on the bus
A mate was on a packed bus heading home after a gruelling day's work. Also on there were three generations of chavs - a grandmother, her daughter and the daughter's 3-yr-old daughter. The child/antichrist was running up and down the bus screaming and treading on people's toes. The grandmother grabbed hold of her and told her to keep quiet to which the little dear replied "fuck off" and carried on screaming.
At this point the driver gets up and decides to chuck Ilkeston's answer to the Waltons off the bus. The woman went off on one and said she was staying.
The rest of the passengers had by now had enough and one bloke got up and told the woman to do everyone a favour and fuck off.
Woman: How dare you use language like that to me?
Passenger: Sorry love. I'd never heard the phrase till your charming daughter said it"
She got off the bus. The bus cheered.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 15:11, More)
Plebs on the bus
A mate was on a packed bus heading home after a gruelling day's work. Also on there were three generations of chavs - a grandmother, her daughter and the daughter's 3-yr-old daughter. The child/antichrist was running up and down the bus screaming and treading on people's toes. The grandmother grabbed hold of her and told her to keep quiet to which the little dear replied "fuck off" and carried on screaming.
At this point the driver gets up and decides to chuck Ilkeston's answer to the Waltons off the bus. The woman went off on one and said she was staying.
The rest of the passengers had by now had enough and one bloke got up and told the woman to do everyone a favour and fuck off.
Woman: How dare you use language like that to me?
Passenger: Sorry love. I'd never heard the phrase till your charming daughter said it"
She got off the bus. The bus cheered.
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 15:11, More)