» Darwin Awards

my father was a little lazy...
..what am i saying? he's still pretty lazy. anyway. so he's sat there with his cuppa. just added sugar and reckons it needs a stir. reaches to mantlepiece and grabs stick-y type thingy which then whirs up the sugar in the tea ready to drink.

i'm sat on the couch nearby.

i notice what he's used.

i notice it's a thermometer.

i also notice it was full of mercury when put into the tea.................but empty when removed.

i stop him with the cup at his mouth about to drink, very movie style, and against his protestations remove the poisoned tea from his possession.


carefully poured the tea out the cup, there, in the bottom, liquid metal.

he's still here.... i'm kinda broke.

inheritance? hmm, anyone got a thermometer?
(Sat 14th Feb 2009, 0:20, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Gold. Plastic. Chocolate. Crap
My uncle and aunty, bless 'em, bought my sisters and me the best ever crap present.

Gold coloured plastic spoons with their ends dipped in chocolate.
Seriously, plastic spoons.
The chocolate was meant to melt in the tea/coffee/boiled milk when we stirred it making a lovely chocolatey drink. They did work, however the spoons melted in the dishwasher afterwards.
Arse, i'm still short on teaspoons.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 18:50, More)

» My Worst Vomit

What's that smell?
Thursday. On this particular Thursdayy night there was a lot of alcohol, and most of it was consumed by yours truly. I slept like a baby, literally, you know the way babies vomit on themselves? Well I did just that in my bed.

Woke up Friday morning, reeking of vom. Woke up late for an important, obligatory tutorial. No time for shower/bath. Had to hastily wash face and apply a heck of a lot of aftershave to hide the smell.

Sat in the tutorial ten minutes, saying nothing. Left to 'use the bathroom'. Didn't return for 40 minutes as hugging toilet bowl chucking up even more liquid. (the tutor even sent a fellow student in to check on me, poor bastard - the smell in the toilet was horrific).

But that's not where it ends. Rather than head home to wash, I had to row in a 2000m time trial. Couldn't let the team down (although, honestly it would have been better had I not even turned up_. The sweat caused the smell to pulse from my skin, my entire rowing crew complained.

And finally, we crossed the line in the boat, everyone puffed out. Except me, I just leaned over the side of the boat and chucked my guts once more for good times' sake. And my fit as f**k coach was there waiting for us, and thought me to be the worst, most unfit weakling.

And all because I wanted to get p*ssed.

Gave up drinking that Friday I did.

Needless to say took it back up on Sunday.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 18:53, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Not Really wanking, but my mum thought it was
Well I was sitting at the old computer, eating one of those Muller Crunch Corners, having just cracked one out about five minutes previously.
So I'm watching some movie (think it was Mallrats) when I decide, save cleaning up a spoon, I'll pour the chocolatey bits into my mouth. So I tip, forgetting I hadn't eaten the yoghurt bit. Of course, my chest is accordingly covered in white yoghurt post-tipping, and who walks in at that moment, but my mum. Needless to say she makes her excuses and walks out.

Hope this counts as being caught at it, I don't want her to think I'm addicted!
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 19:57, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

Not me, but had me laughing
Have been searching all day for the clipping I kept, still unfound.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when on the front of my local newspaper there's a picture of a young girl taking part in an egg and spoon race. The look of concentration on her face perhaps inspired my paper to write the headline:

"Egg and Shhh-Poon"

Hmm, bit dodgy if you ask me.
(Thu 10th Feb 2005, 18:15, More)