» Lost...

The Eiffel Tower
Me and a work mate (a bloke, not a bench) were on a jolly with work in Paris and we got a day off. We're staying in a hotel just round the corner from the Palais Versailles and we can see the Eiffel tower from just outside, so we decide to get in the car and drive into the city centre and go have a look.

As we approach the city centre it starts to rain, then the cloud starts to get lower until we can no longer see the Eiffel tower. No problems, think I, we've got a road map somewhere in the car. I pull it out and start working out directions.

A couple of hours later, we're on a motorway heading towards Rouen, absolutely miles outside Paris. Turns out it was a map of the Paris underground, not the road system.

We never did find it. I'm sure it's there somewhere. Anyone spotted it?
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 15:26, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Poor smokers...
When I was really poor I used to work for one of the bigger double glazing companies, walking round knocking on doors trying to get people to buy windows. It was soul destroying - the constant streams of abuse I got off people would regularly reduce me to tears. And, I was completely crap at it - in 9 months I nearly (but not quite) sold one single front door. As I was so crap, they stopped paying my the basic rate of £30 per week after a few months, so I worked for about 4 months for absolutely no money.

(For your information, when somebody knocks and asks if you want double glazing when the front of your house plainly already has it, before balling the poor chap out, remember that they've got no idea whether the back of your house is double glazed too!)

As I'm sure many of you smokers out there also did, during this time I resorted to scraping together peoples fag ends from pub ash trays, would wrap them up in a page from my Gideons Bible (Hell, here I come) stuck down with just the right quantity of spit. Bronchial hilarity ensues.

Sorry, that wasn't funny in the slightest. Cock.

/Edit: Very cheap way to get drunk, we called it a depthcharge... Take one pint of lager/bitter/cider/tizer/anything, and one measure full of Benelyn (y'know - the cough medicine - don't bother with the non drowsy version), dump the measure in, try not to waste the froth, and lose entire days of your utterly worthless existance.

I think I need to cheer up a bit before I post again.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 12:23, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

Two stories
One of them is not mine, but...

A friend is visiting another friend's elderly Irish mother. They are watching the telly, and on it is a wildlife program showing some zebras that had stopped at a wartering hole only to be attacked by a crocodile. The venerable lady's response to this was "Look at those poor ponies being eaten by them sharks" (somehow it works better if you try to say it with a broad Irish accent)

My grandmother (yes, I'm middle class enough to have a grandmother instead of a granny, nan etc.) on my mothers side is 93 and completely lucid, and a match for anyone mentally. Some years ago my mother was visiting her and her next door neighbours (let's call them Jeanette and Dougie for the sake of a little privacy) came round for a cup of tea. They chatted for a while, then Jeanette & Dougie stood up to leave, but just before setting off, Dougie said "Oh, I nearly forgot, you left these at our house last week" and handed my grandmother a pair of her knickers. Sometime later that day, my mother questioned this rather peculiar transaction, only to be told "Didn't you know dear? I've been having an affair with Dougie and Jeanette for years."

I'm dead proud of my grandmother - she's grand.
(Fri 12th Mar 2004, 12:50, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Crap presents
I once bought my wife, fo Christmas, four 1 litre bottles of various dayglo coloured poster paints. Apparently this is not a good present. S'funny, because I thought they would be great fun.

My family has a tradition of recycling presents, y'know, taking that pointless present you got last year off Auntie Bob and sending it to someone else the next year. There's one paricular book that was in circulation for about 15 years until someone wrote "Christmas 1998" on the inside cover, essentially making it non recyclable.

The present that pissed me off the most was from my father. One year he bought me a Black & Wrecker Workmate which really irritated because I thought I'd never use it. Needless to say it turned out to be the most usefull present I've ever had, still going strong 8 years later.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 12:21, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Ouch, hurty penile pain
A female friend of mine was giving her b/f a handjob some time ago and was a little too vigorous, tearing his frenulum (the bit that goes between Darth Vader's hat and his shoulders so to speak) and causing much bleeding.

Now any penile bleeding, due to the extra perssure of the blood in the area, is undoubtadly absolutely terrifying, so they decided they needed to get him to hospital. Unfortunately they had both been drinking, so they went and asked his mum downstairs to give them a lift there, and obviously needed to explain what had happened.

This has happened to two frends of mine, and I've seen the stains from one of them (not this particular one) and the blood covered three entire cushions from a three seater sofa. Just think how you'd feel in the circumstances...

edit/ Oh, and I've got a mate who's g/f 'assists' him with the use of an orange - not that anyone's ever caught him, but I'd laugh my tits off if they did!
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 15:30, More)