» Shit Stories

ooh i thought of another one.
i was walking my dog, and suddenly felt the urge...

so i took cover and did a huge steaming poo. it was steaming cos it was winter.

my dog started eating it almost before it had completely departed from my body.

it was the most disgusting thing to watch. but watch i had to. he ate every bit of it.

he died a little while after that, caught some viurs, pulvo virus, probably from me.

ah well.. you know what they say... eat shit - and die.

be warned.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 22:41, More)

» Shit Stories

i once spurted a fountain of liquid poo of such ferosisty
it covered the resteraunt toilet and the cistern and the wall behind it.

(i never actually sit down in communal toilets)

the worst part was, because i was so drunk, i took photos of the disaster area with my phone and then proudly showed them to my mother in law when i got back to the table.

i'm amazed i had such a steady hand to take such clear, yet revolting snaps.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 22:37, More)

» Booze Related Disasters

it was a normal night... a night like any other...
i was in a club. the gloucester in brighton.

some goody song came on and so i joined floor for a mosh.

and we jumped up! and down.

and up! and down.

and i jump UP! then get knocked down by some munter hunter dislocating my knee and everyone fell onto me making sure that my knee stayed dislocated. properly.

...and then they all trod on my leg a few times whilst they attempted to get up.

cheers.


so anyway.. i get onto my foot, eventually, and hop over to some corner to nurse myself.

the pain is hooj. i hop to the bar and order double vodkas and orange two at a time to stifle it.

i got very drunk. the pain didn't go away. - i did hook up with some chick whilst sitting on the floor.

can't remember much about that though. lifes a bitch ain't it?


anyway.. 2 am and my mates just think i cant walk cos im drunk. so they DRAG me to a party 2 miles away (which wasn't even happening) forcing me to suedo walk and completely ignoring my protesting the fact i could not do so.
finally they let me rest and i pulled my trousers up (big flares) to expose this:




they called an ambulance, but not before one of my 'mates'had stolen my mobile fone from my trouser pocket (WHILST I WAS WEARING MY TROUSERS).

i remained off work and bed bound for 5 weeks. and the bruising was still visible FOUR MONTHS later.

the moral? don't let the buggers get you down. and if they do... get up before they all fall on you!
(Fri 19th Mar 2004, 12:52, More)

» Darwin Awards

So, when i was a kangaroo back australia, born to a one legged boxing kangaroo mother
with no legs and an astronaut father with wandering cock syndrome who was never home, i used to look up at the moon wondering if my father was up there, somewhere and so, late one night i decided to look for him in earnest.

now, as you're probably quite well aware the moon is quite far away, about a trillion miles, and the diffracting effect of the atmosphere makes it look round, when of course it is actually triangular.

but anyway i digress, in order to get to the moon some sort of propulsion device was needed, i spent two hundred years grinding up children so i could feed them to my Orc* workers, who being dedicated but slightly thick beasts, built me some kind of wooden staircase, but not just any staircase, they said, a revolving staircase on a track circum navigating the planet which, when completed, would reach the moon and then move with it as it orbited the planet. it was fool proof.

as it turns out they cocked the whole thing up, and the stairway missed the moon by quite a long way, ending up in heaven. i climbed it anyway, with my bowed kangaroo leggies, excited as anything, only to find myself confronted by the purly gates, jolly old st nick was standing in on the desk for the day and i sat on his knee and he gave me a present then told me i had to be dead to be in heaven, and in fact was so already, for just stepping on planet heaven kills all mortal men. i tried to argue with him saying how half kangaroo i was but he merely stroked his beard and hypnotised me.

he gave me a second chance though, even made me fully human, and i parachuted down to earth using an inflatable piano** and then wrote a song about it and then santa came to visit me and we became lovers. however, i never found my father, if you're reading this dad, you're a fucking liar, santa is real.

it's all true.

* sorry Orc is indeed not spelled with a k
** does not work with non inflatable pianos
(Sun 15th Feb 2009, 14:27, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

i was once doing a picture (in PSP5 of all things)
...it wasn't going well and anoyed me so much i saved it as 'Fuckanal.psp'

there was nothing 'Fuckanal' about the actual picture, but when showing my computer illiterate mother something unrelated the file and its heinous name was in view on the screen.

i felt a hot flush and as quickly as possible closed the offending window.

i have no idea if she read it. and i'll never ask her either.

but what must she think of me if she did?
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 11:24, More)