» Mugged

so much for doing good...
came out of a pub in a slightly dodgy area of bristol one sunday night. had been in there all of 5 mins returning a pair of glasses i'd accidentally picked up the previous night.

i start walking home
- i hear two guys coming up behind me

i carry on walking
- they're walking faster than me, and talking loudly about some crap or other

i carry on walking
- they start to pass me, except they're going past one on either side

alarm bells start to ring
- at that moment, one hits me across the throat with his arm and the other pushes me onto the floor

i stay still, stunned, trying to breathe and trying to speak
- they go through my pockets and run off


very professionally done - i didn't even see their faces.
taught me the element of surprise counts a lot more than any skills in martial arts i may have.
(Mon 19th Jun 2006, 21:44, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

variation on a theme
what do you call a woman with no legs?
- dirty cunt.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 18:09, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

school's out...
a friend of mine is a teacher. his school was recently fitted out with lots of new networked computers, with free broadband access given to the pupils at breaktimes. a few months afterwards, the headteacher wanted to know what sorts of websites the children were looking at so he asked the head of IT to give him a summary of the access log from the last few weeks.
turns out the most viewed website was the jobs section of the times educational supplement.
(Thu 28th Apr 2005, 19:37, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

more child abuse...
i used to collect baby jokes when i was younger. i expect all of these have been posted already, but i feel i need to say my bit, if only to justify that my youth wasn't totally wasted...


What's red and dances?
- A baby on a burner

What's red and hangs?
- A baby on a meat hook

What's green and hangs?
- The same baby six months later

What's black and blue and goes round and round?
- A baby in a tumble dryer

What's blue and bubbles and goes round and round?
- A baby in a washing machine

What's blue and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a fish tank

What's red and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a microwave

How do you make a dead baby float?
- Take your foot off its head

What's red and screams and can't turn around in a lift?
- A baby with a javelin through its head

What's the difference between a cartload of sand and a cartload of dead
babies?
- You don't unload sand with a pitchfork

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
- A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What do you do after you've had a baby?
- Pull its nappy up

What's worse than having sex with a five year old?
- Him telling you he's had it better
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 23:31, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

sucking skittles
requires:
1 pack of skittles
1 underground train ticket (or similar)

very simple to play:
roll the ticket up in to a tube (the bad pun works best with the ticket type described above). put the number of skittles you think you can suck up in one go in a line on the table. proceed to "snort" them (into your mouth, mind).

warning:
skittles striking your teeth really hurt.
can cause serious choking if you're not careful. : )
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 15:40, More)