» Stalked

Wolfy
[EDIT: Light-hearted stalkeration here! I admire anyone who's had a real situation and got through it]

At Sonar Festival 2005 in Barcelona, my friends and I stayed in 3 different hostels in one week. At one of them we were not too far from the beach, and spent a few evenings there. The hostel was shit and wouldn't let you drink there, so we barely spent any time there at all, but what little time we did we managed to attract the attention of some Australian backpacker of about 22.

He was a perfect stereotype, with sandals, surfer beads, lot of Quicksilver/Billabong/Mambo apparel. He had ridiculous sideburns and these huge watery blue eyes that looked like he'd been Mace'd. He may as well have been because it turned out he was a clingy, clingy bastard...he became known as Wolfman due to his Wolverine-esque haircut and sideys.

We're all down the beach and this guy shows up. We all try to be welcoming, but are frankly disappointed at his arrival; he had been bothering us at the hostel and trying to wake us up, trying to convince us to try and sneak him into the festival, yadda yadda. This night, we've just clubbed together and bought €50 of beers between our group of 8 or so, and Wolfy just starts in on them, blathering shit. When he's distracted, we hide the beers post-haste. Then we scatter and pair off, trying to get rid of him some how.

As the evening progresses, he somehow finds the well-stashed beers and gets through ALL of the remainders, stumbling around us as we subtly move further up the beach, hoping to lose him. We politely ask him to cough up some cash for more beer as he's got through most of them, but he says he's broke. Eventually, he passes out on the sand like a snow-angel.

Big mistake. Our friend Guy is seriously pissed at Wolfy and decides to put on a show:
"Oh man, I could really People's Elbow him right now!"
We all laugh, but before we can come to our senses and realise that to do so would mean to wake him up, and that ideally we should just grab our shit and run right now...
...Guy is running back and forth across the breadth of the sand, rebounding off imaginary ropes, finger in the air, whipping his arena of imaginary fans into a frenzy, before plummeting like a jumbo full of elbows down onto Wolfy's chest.

We didn't think he was going to *actually* land on him. But he did. Wolfy doubled up like a bear trap, his watery, under-cooked egg eyes bulging, ready to projectile vomit but just holding it back, winded and paralitic, "HURRRRGH!" Guy's off down the beach, but running back now, crying with laughter, skidding down next to Wolfy: 'Oh sorry mate! That was ME! I fell on you by accident!' And then he's off again, cackling like a camp banshee, sprinting off down the beach, towel in hand.

Well, cue the night from Hell. Wolfy latched onto us, the remaining people, and became a curse. The streets were pretty empty, no taxis around, so we had to walk for miles to get back to the hostel. He spent the whole time stumbling around, demanding more beer, shouting at the top of his voice, following us. He even started trying to crip walk and making gun motions at passing cars- not the best idea in Spain. He screamed at us when we tried to walk faster, then ran all over the roads when a car came by, trying to flag it down, then dancing in front of it. We finally got a taxi, got back to the hostel, where he promptly passed out. We left a porn magazine wide open on his chest for everyone to see and helped ourselves to €20 from his wallet for beers, taxi fare and general cunt-tax.
(Sun 3rd Feb 2008, 22:57, More)

» Heckles

Charlotte Church
Amazing, if a little predictable:

Friend of a friend sees Charlotte Church walking through London, shouts some drunken slur along the lines of 'Get yer tits ahht!'

CC: 'Fuck off you cunt!'
FOF: 'That's not the voice of an angel!'

[ed] And also more of a comeback. Apologies.
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 2:04, More)

» I witnessed a crime

First day of Secondary School
I was 11, it was the end of my first day of secondary school. I commuted to school from my village on the train with a lot of other kids. Waiting at the station with them, I had a couple of minutes spare, so went to the platform toilet.

I walk in.

There are two men standing in the middle of the large tiled room.

They have belts around their biceps, and hypodermic needles deep in their forearms.

They see me, look straight at me, say 'Shit!' loudly...and turn 45 degrees to the right.

What am I supposed to do? I'm 11, in school uniform, and 2 junkies have just seen me staring at them shooting up, not even in the cubicles (which I presume had blue lights in) but in the middle of the room.

I walked as calmly as I could to the urinals, and pretended to pee for the next minute. I'm standing there assessing the situation, convinced that any second one will come up and grab me, threaten to jab me if I tell anyone.

Instead, laughter: 'He didn't even fucking see me! The little dick didn't even SEE me!' More shrieking laughter. That's right smackie, obviously I didn't see a thing.

I zip up, not having released a drop, and walk out. As I leave the room, I realise that, as I'd entered and witnessed the tableau, I'd nearly said something smart-arsed like 'Jesus guys, put it away'. I am thankful I wasn't that arrogant, even if I was that young.

Yet now I look back and think about how I probably dealt with it much better then than if I had been in that position now.
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 21:49, More)

» Heckles

Alien vs Predator again

Heard this from a board elsewhere; Philly audiences are hard to please at the best of times. In Alien v Predator, when the guy who plays Spud in Trainspotting starts talking about his wife and kids, some huge black woman in the audience just says in a very loud voice:

'Oh, you gon' die!'

Sure enough, he does.
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 2:39, More)