» My Wanking Disasters

biggest mistake EVER
ok, takes a bit of explaining,but here goes: i like to go 2 town to hang out with sum ppl ino,smoke some pot, the usual. so one day i meet this guy, hu we'l call "adam" (cos thats his name). so this guy seems a little crazy but pretty kl an after spendin a few saturdays dossin with him i got quite friendly. so one day i invited him back to my house,an would he like to stay over. so he does an the very first thing he asks is "can i wank to your porn". the. very. first. fucking. thing. and he didin't stop wanking. every fucking half hour i had 2 leave MY OWN GODDAM BEDROOM for this bastard to squeeze his man-milk into tissues, then run past me saying "want a sniff before i flush it?". utter CUNT.
sorry for the length!:)!
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 20:32, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Captain *******
Due to the fact that this man is [remarkably]still alive and the fact that he scares the shit out of me he will remain anonymous, but anyone reading this from King Edwards School Birmingham CCF should know the legend by now...
This Captain was a Royal Marine in the Falklands War (and epitomises the Marine stereotype - about 5ft 2", harder than iron mans manhood etc etc)and has such annecdotes under his belt as the time he and his squad shot down a plane with small arms fire alone, but the most prolific legend is The Spoon. This story is told to all new recruits to instill the fear of The Captain in them, and goes a little something like this:
Said Captain and squad were low on virtually all supplies due to the sinking of the supply ship HMS Sheffield. so imagine their surprise when, while on a routine night-time recce (reconaisance) patrol, they stumble acros a base of about 300 Argentinian soldiers, with no sentries and all asleep. So here is the perfect opportunity to kill all the buggers that are going to kill you tomorrow because, unlike you, they actually have ammo! But of course, with about 10 rounds apiece and only a standard 8 man patrol they had no way near enough firepower to kill enough Argies to ensure an escape if the other Argies were woken. Well, our intrepid Captain looks about his person for a more stealthy/efficient weapon and realises that the only other instrument he has about his person (having come very lightly equiped for a recce patrol) is The Spoon that he always had with him for meals. Well, to such an inventive man, a Spoon is as good as a blade...
So, the legend has it, he killed (with The Spoon) every *other* man (meaning that the remainder would all wake up next to dead comrades), then in the morning popped over calm as you like, looked them in the eye, and asked for their surrender!
And so concludes the legend of Captain ******* and The Spoon!

as a footnote, the other officer leading our platoon would have got into the SAS had he not broken his leg on the final phase of the training. Needless to say its a rock and a hard place...
No apologies for length as the thought of The Spoon shrivels me...
(Mon 27th Mar 2006, 21:31, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

haven't seen it here as yet...
Q.what word beginning with "N" and ending with "R" do you not want to call a black person?
A. Neighbour!!
I don't know why people apologise on this QOTW; i love all the jokes!
(Sat 4th Feb 2006, 20:45, More)

» Useless Information

oh gd...
i have a reputation among my friends for knowing what they affectionately refer to as "dustbin knowledge" : useless for exams but interesting and [sometimes] useful to know. here's some of my favourites:
1.the gravitational pull of the doctor that delivered you is more than 6 times that of jupiter
2.tmesis (teh-mee-sis) is that practise of inserting one word into another (ie: absof*ckinglutely)
3.if all your DNA was streched out it would reach to the moon and back six thousand times
4. Antarctica is the only continent without snakes
5. Tobacco is the only legal product that, even when used correctly, harms your health
6. 99% of an atom is empty space
7. Picasso was an astrophysicist who tried to paint as we would see things in four dimensions
8. "Alice in Wonderland" and its sequel "Alice Through the Looking-Glass" were written by Charles Dodgson who was a mathematics professor at Cambrige Uni, again to do with astro-physics theories.
9. "Nylon" is called so because it was discovered in London and New York at the same time
10. Einstein dropped out of school at the age of 16
11. to make 1 kg of honey, a bee would need to visit 4 million flowers
12. Vatican City in Rome is the worlds smallest independant state with a population of 1000
13. 10% of the worlds population live on islands
14. a blue whales pork-soldier is roughly 6 feet long
15. the housefly only lives for fourteen days
16. you are 23.4 times more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery
17. a "jiffy" is a real unit of time: it is 1/100th of a second
18. peanuts are used to make dynamite
19. more people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks
20. only 8% of the worlds money is in circulation
apologies for length...no jokes though
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 13:14, More)

» The Onosecond

well...
i probably put this(or similar) in the worst sh*t stories,but what the hey...
so im at army camp at the begining of the summer holidays 2004,just about to have my bday wen i get food poisoning (on the first day might i add). to cut a long story short, much projectile diahorrea (sp?) and vomit later and im finally on the mend. after enough immodium to block up niagra falls i feel,for the first time in days,that its safe to fart without shitting.
the "onosecond" here being that millisecond gap between pushing just a little *while still being able to stop*, and realising id sh*t meself.
(Wed 1st Jun 2005, 21:24, More)