Profile for plankton:
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Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
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- a member for 11 years, 1 month and 15 days
- has posted 822 messages on the main board
- (of which 20 have appeared on the front page)
- has posted 1 messages on the talk board
- has posted 65 messages on the links board
- (including 18 links)
- has posted 10 stories and 4 replies on question of the week
- They liked 14 pictures, 3 links, 0 talk posts, and 0 qotw answers.
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Recent front page messages:
After Buck Rogers came off the air
Tweakie found his real home in the B&Q stocktaking department
(Thank-you magic donkey for the FP)
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 14:03, More)
Tweakie found his real home in the B&Q stocktaking department
(Thank-you magic donkey for the FP)
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 14:03, More)
Relations between Tony Blair and the Media has reached an all time low...
(Thu 27th Mar 2003, 9:58, More)
(Thu 27th Mar 2003, 9:58, More)
I knew I shouldn't have registered him with a posh Kennel Club Name....
(Mon 16th Dec 2002, 8:59, More)
(Mon 16th Dec 2002, 8:59, More)
Best answers to questions:
» Celebrities part II
Mispronounced names
Many years ago I was with some mates and we were bored, so since one of our Dads was the head greenkeeper at a golfee course that were holding a pro-am compo, we decided to go along and waste time there, hoping to spot a few childhood idols.
They were all there, Tarby, Brucie, Carson, so we decided on a dare game.
We would act the enthusiastic fan and ask for autographs, but with one rule - when asking for the autograph, you had to slightly mispronounce or mispell the name of the celeb.
My turn, and it is the mighty Reg Varney.
"Hello Mr Varnish, can I have your autograph?"
"It's Varney, what shall I write"
"'Best Wishes, Reg Varnish' would be great Mr Varnish"
"It's Varney. Now can I get on with my game."
We got brushed off by Frank Carton and Jimmy Tarbrush. Bastards.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 14:34, More)
Mispronounced names
Many years ago I was with some mates and we were bored, so since one of our Dads was the head greenkeeper at a golfee course that were holding a pro-am compo, we decided to go along and waste time there, hoping to spot a few childhood idols.
They were all there, Tarby, Brucie, Carson, so we decided on a dare game.
We would act the enthusiastic fan and ask for autographs, but with one rule - when asking for the autograph, you had to slightly mispronounce or mispell the name of the celeb.
My turn, and it is the mighty Reg Varney.
"Hello Mr Varnish, can I have your autograph?"
"It's Varney, what shall I write"
"'Best Wishes, Reg Varnish' would be great Mr Varnish"
"It's Varney. Now can I get on with my game."
We got brushed off by Frank Carton and Jimmy Tarbrush. Bastards.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 14:34, More)
» Urban Legends
I once sent out a message on a bulletin board
saying "it's a well-known fact that you can't touch the back of your left knee with your right elbow. Try it, you'll find it impossible!"
It's a wonderful thought imagining tens of people falling about on the floor all at once to prove me wrong and then posting "That's not true - I can do it".
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 21:52, More)
I once sent out a message on a bulletin board
saying "it's a well-known fact that you can't touch the back of your left knee with your right elbow. Try it, you'll find it impossible!"
It's a wonderful thought imagining tens of people falling about on the floor all at once to prove me wrong and then posting "That's not true - I can do it".
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 21:52, More)
» B3TA fixes the world
My jezza moment
* University only for the top 20%, the rest can do apprenticeships, agriculture or get a job, any job. Free for the top 10%, double price for everyone else. Triple for the Scottish for not letting us go to their universities for free.
* Welfare and Benefits only allowed after 5 years residency and then only if you have contributed at least 5 years basic rate tax or are medically unfit to do a desk job, tested every six months. If you don't qualify, then you have to work for it. Every year a first name is selected and then anyone with that name doesn't get any money all year. Randomness keeps people on their toes.
* Being a fatty is not a disability or your "bones", there are no obese people in countries where food is scarce.
* Removal of all safety features on cars, replaced with internal spikes and razor blades. That'll slow everyone down and made them more careful.
* All MPs to have to have been in a real job for at least ten years before being allowed to do it. No expenses, but a good salary that is performance-linked, decided by electorate. Real jobs does not include working in politics or unions. Local constituents able to call re-elections every year if a majority feel MP is under performing. Failed MPs to be made to work in PR for Greggs the Baker for the rest of their working life.
* Anyone called Tarquin to be put in a barrel of pickled herrings.
* If you are on benefits or welfare you are not allowed to vote for the incumbent Government. That'll stop political parties buying votes through state handouts and get them focused on getting people working again.
* Every year a tenth of the population pay no tax. Save it up and do something special. Like buy a lifetime of baked beans.
* No one in any walk of public life to earn more than the Prime Minister. They run the country, how could your job be worth more?
* No more taxes. 40% is more than enough if governments would stop wasting it.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 11:10, More)
My jezza moment
* University only for the top 20%, the rest can do apprenticeships, agriculture or get a job, any job. Free for the top 10%, double price for everyone else. Triple for the Scottish for not letting us go to their universities for free.
* Welfare and Benefits only allowed after 5 years residency and then only if you have contributed at least 5 years basic rate tax or are medically unfit to do a desk job, tested every six months. If you don't qualify, then you have to work for it. Every year a first name is selected and then anyone with that name doesn't get any money all year. Randomness keeps people on their toes.
* Being a fatty is not a disability or your "bones", there are no obese people in countries where food is scarce.
* Removal of all safety features on cars, replaced with internal spikes and razor blades. That'll slow everyone down and made them more careful.
* All MPs to have to have been in a real job for at least ten years before being allowed to do it. No expenses, but a good salary that is performance-linked, decided by electorate. Real jobs does not include working in politics or unions. Local constituents able to call re-elections every year if a majority feel MP is under performing. Failed MPs to be made to work in PR for Greggs the Baker for the rest of their working life.
* Anyone called Tarquin to be put in a barrel of pickled herrings.
* If you are on benefits or welfare you are not allowed to vote for the incumbent Government. That'll stop political parties buying votes through state handouts and get them focused on getting people working again.
* Every year a tenth of the population pay no tax. Save it up and do something special. Like buy a lifetime of baked beans.
* No one in any walk of public life to earn more than the Prime Minister. They run the country, how could your job be worth more?
* No more taxes. 40% is more than enough if governments would stop wasting it.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 11:10, More)
» Job Interviews
Book keeper
Years ago I had the misfortune to work in Milton Keynes. Actually it wasn't that bad, but why refute the myth?
Anyway, I was writing software for robotics and underwater vehicles and natty stuff like that and we needed a new book keeper for accounts. So, like good citizens, we put an ad in the paper.
First contestant came along. All his life's belongings in a Tesco bag and a top CV. "I think I could do your book keeping because I have a collection of books at home and I keep them all tidy and in alphabetical order". "Spot the Dog" seemed to appear rather more than would be expected for a library belonging to a 30 year old man with above the ankle trousers. Actually, combined with the Simpsons socks it was a definite fashion statement that I may adopt at some stage.
Obviously we got the PA to tell him to go away as the rest of us were hiding in the office in case he was one of the care in the community homicidal maniacs we read about in the Daily Mail. Eventually we hired a mad woman who eventually became one of my closest friends due to her ability to turn a blind eye to my exhorbitant phone bills and bar bills.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:14, More)
Book keeper
Years ago I had the misfortune to work in Milton Keynes. Actually it wasn't that bad, but why refute the myth?
Anyway, I was writing software for robotics and underwater vehicles and natty stuff like that and we needed a new book keeper for accounts. So, like good citizens, we put an ad in the paper.
First contestant came along. All his life's belongings in a Tesco bag and a top CV. "I think I could do your book keeping because I have a collection of books at home and I keep them all tidy and in alphabetical order". "Spot the Dog" seemed to appear rather more than would be expected for a library belonging to a 30 year old man with above the ankle trousers. Actually, combined with the Simpsons socks it was a definite fashion statement that I may adopt at some stage.
Obviously we got the PA to tell him to go away as the rest of us were hiding in the office in case he was one of the care in the community homicidal maniacs we read about in the Daily Mail. Eventually we hired a mad woman who eventually became one of my closest friends due to her ability to turn a blind eye to my exhorbitant phone bills and bar bills.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:14, More)
» Job Interviews
False pretences
Oh yes, we have the perfect position for you Mr Plankton. Logica, big company, great benefits and suits your coding skills right down to the ground.
Of course i check the web site, see all the nice photies of satellites and concorde and pole dancers and hop in the spitfire to toddle down to Leatherhead.
"Morning Mr Plankton. We need someone with excellent real-time programmning skills for our new division. Waste flow control at sewage works - it's a great role"
Me. "Errr.... I somehow can't see that on my CV. Bye"
Damn it all to hell. I could have been to King of Poo Programming.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:21, More)
False pretences
Oh yes, we have the perfect position for you Mr Plankton. Logica, big company, great benefits and suits your coding skills right down to the ground.
Of course i check the web site, see all the nice photies of satellites and concorde and pole dancers and hop in the spitfire to toddle down to Leatherhead.
"Morning Mr Plankton. We need someone with excellent real-time programmning skills for our new division. Waste flow control at sewage works - it's a great role"
Me. "Errr.... I somehow can't see that on my CV. Bye"
Damn it all to hell. I could have been to King of Poo Programming.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:21, More)