» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Morning Ma'am.....
Basic training in navy with a instructor more drunk than tramp'o'claus marching 30 pimply recruits about somewhere or t'other.
Left right left right l r l r l..........
you get the idea. Then a female orifficer appears heading our direction so he starts singing out
'The air was damp, my jeans where tight my balls where swinging from left to right, (salutes orifficer with a hearty morning Ma'am!) left right left right etc etc
Never saw him again after that.
Could always regale the story of the guy that used to eat bog freshners and sent his ex a shit in a shoebox all the way from the Falklands.....Grinners if you are out there and haven't died of some strange std then you are a sick sick man, funny though
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 21:01, More)

» Beautiful Moments

Stuck in traffic
needed a dump like you wouldn't belive, got home and had a poo that bought a strange sensation between pleasure and pain. Stood up to wipe and had one of those beautiful moments when you realise there is no poo, no skid marks and no need to wipe. Life is grand.
(Fri 11th Mar 2005, 19:12, More)

» Job Interviews

Coming second
I went for the job of prime minister.
When asked what qualities I had I replied with 'I'm a useles cunt'.

Unfortunately some bloke called Tony had beaten me to it.
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 21:54, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Never trust the girlfriend......
Girlfriend is mowing the lawn and cuts through cable. She comes into the house to tell me this so I go outside to cast my expert eye over the situation.
I shout for her to unplug it at the mains to which she replies 'Okay'. I then decide that the plug can be put back on minus the 4 foot of severed cable. Being highly intelligent and resourceful I use my teeth as a pair of wire strippers and some time later wake up to the smell of burnt flesh whilst laying down in the garden. I always check things are unplugged for myself now.
(Sat 27th Nov 2004, 16:42, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Anal probe (nearly)
Whilst on a drunken walk home I decided that a pub sign would be a good momento to take home. It was situated next to a main road in a field of wheat. I climbed up and started the process of dismantlting the sign when a cop car drives past and slows down. I jump the 10 foot or so off the sign to make my escape and realise that a rusty steel pole is about an inch behind me but just below the hieght of the wheat. It still brings a tear to the eye to think how painful death would have been with a rusty steel pole forcefully inserted up my rectum.
(Sun 28th Nov 2004, 20:07, More)