» My Worst Date

All my own fault
After talking to a woman from another office in our building a few times I arranged to meet her on the Saturday at the bar that is on the ground floor of our building.
However after going and getting completely ratted on the Friday I was in a lary mood all day on the Saturday, and ignored my mates advice to cancel and arrange another time.
I got there on time, and after twenty minutes when my date turned up, the first words out of my mouth were "Have troubles finding the place."
Anyway we got a drink and a seat and were getting on OK, so I went to get more drinks, and I look at the woman next to me at the bar, only to find it was my ex-wife's matron of honour, Louise. Unable to help myself I said, "What the fuck are you doing in Manchester (comes from Leicester), I didn't realise they'd relaxed quarentine rules." After a torrent of abuse i went and sat back down.
A couple of minutes later Louise came over and carried on. Eventually she blurts out, "You didn't think I was in quarentine when you were fucking me did you?". "I don't know, I was drunk."
At this point she went to launch her drink all over me, but being a typical women couldn't aim for shit and soaked my date instead.
I did what any reasonable person would at this point, and burst out laughing.
Needless to say my date went home, and avoids me whenever possible now.
(Sat 23rd Oct 2004, 23:41, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

About 10 years old, and would have worked a lot better then
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman sat in a bar. The Englishman goes to the bar and orders the drinks and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Englishman replies, "Yeah, fair enough mate", takes his drinks and goes and sits back down. Half an hour later the Scotsman goes to the bar, and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Scotsman replies, "Good on you mate, whatever takes your fancy." He takes the drinks and goes and sits back down. Another half an hour passes and the Irishman goes to the bar, and the Englishman and Scotsman watch as Mike Tyson goes up to him, they see them speak, and then the next thing they know, Mike Tyson punches the Irishman, who flies across the room and lands in a heap on the floor. A couple of minutes later the Irishman has picked himself up and makes it back to the table with drinks and the other ask him what happened? "Well, I was stood at the bar when i felt a tap on my shoulder, so I turned round and there's this bloke there, and he starts saying I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." The other two say, "Yeah he said the same to us, but why did he punch you?" "Well, I said, I'm not surprised mate, if I had all that money, I wouldn't fuck niggers either!"
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 9:27, More)

» Local Nutters

Vinnie
A couple of years ago, we had someone move into our house who at first seemed normal but was patently mad.

He was into Classical music and Charlotte Church and used to play CD's at ridiculous volumes at all hours of the day and night. He also claimed he was in a brass band, and had a big fuck off Tuba, though it was obvious he couldn't play it and would have got a better sound out of a big fuck off Tuna.

In three months he lived with us, he never once washed any of his clothes and only had three changes of clothes. Whenever he used the bathroom, he come out and still stink, but the bathroom used to be covered in water, the floor, walls and ceiling would all be soaking, it would seem the water went everywhere except on him.

He also had an obsession with Wheelie bins, and he was always dragging ours into our lounge and sitting on it, or opening it and jumping up and down in it. He also used to go out in the middle of the night and pinch other peoples bins and bring them in the house as well.

Then there was his early evening routine of going and lying in the middle of the road in his underpants swearing at passers by.

He lived on a diet consisting entirely of Mint Viennetas, and always used to leave the empty wrappers and bowls in the middle of the living room floor.

Turns out there was a reason for all this, one of my housemates caught him taking some tablets and asked what they were for, only to meet gat the reply "I say that they're for stress, but my doctor says they're for schizophrenia." We still got him evicted though.
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 13:45, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Back in the day
When i used to work for the Benefits Agency, we had this "customer" whose name was Yusuf Kunt, who insisted that we call him Yu.

Cue great hilarity when he came in on counter and we had to call Yu Kunt up to the window.

Again, going back some, i knew someone called Penny who was getting married to an Adam Nurse, hence they would be A. Nurse and P. Nurse.

And then a couple of months ago I met a girl called Leanne who was getting married the next day to a Mr Perrin, so she was about to become Leanne Perrin
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 11:07, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Space shuttle explosion special
What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts (Got escorted from the premises when I told this at Kennedy Space Centre)

What were the last words on the Columbia? Who let that bloody woman drive?

Did you know that the pilot's eyes were blue? Yep, one blew this way, and one blew that way

What was the last thing to go through the pilot's mind? The dashboard

What is the favourite drink of Space Shuttle astronauts? 7 Up

Texas police have found a badly burnt penis up a tree... Experts reckon it's a shuttle cock
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 9:10, More)