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Shut up!

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» Accidental innuendo

Just before Christmas last year...
...I was in one of those DIY teddy bear factory type shops, buying a stuffed monkey for Mrs Strings.

Anyway, I chose the skin of it and went to get it stuffed.
You get the joy of stepping on the pedal to start blowing the stuffing down this tube and into the teddyskin held by a nice young lady.

First step is to get a little heart for it out of a bucket on the side of the machine. So I stepped forward to retrieve such heart. As I did, I accidentally stepped on the pedal, the tube proceeded to spray white fluff all over this poor woman.

As she was picking it out of her nose and mouth, all I could think to say at that moment was...
"I'm sorry, That's never happened to me before!"

Cue my mate pissing herself and telling me that I'm a bad man!!
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 12:56, More)

» Pure Fury

A few years ago...
...I was visiting the urinal at my local pub. During my beer fueled wee I happened to let out a rather violent sneeze, which sent my glasses flying from my face. My glasses went hurtling slightly to my right and bounced off the penis of the chap standing next to me.

Now, confusingly he assumed not only that I had managed to do that deliberately, but that it was some sort of weird homosexual mating ritual.
I was very angrily informed that if I tried any more of that "bender shit" that he would rip my balls off and feed them to his dog... Confusing visit to the toilet that one!

By the way, I left the glasses in the urinal and got more ordered the next day.
(Thu 26th Sep 2013, 20:42, More)

» Guilty Laughs

A few years back, I was on the bus to work....
...early one morning. As the bus was about to turn a corner a monumentally fat middle aged woman stood up to ring the bell.
As the bus turned, sharply and a little too quickly, said woman lost her footing and toppled back onto the seat. Although she managed to get herself wedged between her seat and the back of the seat in front.

As the other passengers and the driver frantically try and free her, she actually begins to sob and wail, all the time waving her fat legs in the air.
And I sat at the back of the bus, unable to move, because the pain from laughing was so great. My face hurt, my chest and stomach hurt... but I couldn't stop laughing.


She was finally freed and sent on her way, and I was treated to glares, scowls and harsh words from the other passengers.

I did feel guilty afterwards... Was still funny as hell.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 21:13, More)

» Sorry

I'm sorry to the young lady, who's name escapes me now...
...that I was engaging in a numerically named sexual position with, a few years back.
Looking back, a vindaloo may not have been the ideal meal to have on our date. And although I was rather proud of the sniper-like accuracy at which I fired the intestinal gas up your unsuspecting nostrils, I feel it ruined the moment somewhat. A feeling which was confirmed by you rushing to the bathroom retching as you fled.

I am also sorry for getting dressed and leaving at that moment, going back to the pub and copping off with someone else...
I am also a little sorry that I did not fart up her nose as well.
(Sat 19th Jan 2013, 23:05, More)

» B3TA Most Haunted

My old shed was haunted...
...things would keep being moved around and any food that I left in there kept going missing. The wife said that it was probably a mouse, but I had to tell her that such things don't exist. I had a good laugh at her expense that night.
I decided to get an expert opinion, so Bob from B&Q came down and had a look. He reckoned that it was the ghost of a Scottish nobleman who died as the result of a hideous wanking accident involving a ferret and a map of Swindon.
Bob set up some ghost traps and burned some basil leaves to cleanse the shed's meridian lines... or something.
Come morning, we had caught the ghost. Small furry bastard with a long tail. Put him in the bin.
(Thu 13th Sep 2012, 19:20, More)
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