» I was drunk when I bought this

Retail Therapy
I am the king of random booze related purchases (and a lovley feifdom it is too).

I *popped* out for some more beer at half time during the 2003 rugby world cup, was asked to pick up a packet of 20 tabs for a ciggie challenged mate of mine. I returned from a "Tesco Extra" with.

- A 7 foot rubber plant
- A 'Barbie' lunch box
- A partially consumed bottle of Sambuca (which incidentally, Tescos staff take a dim view of you swigging from the bottle whilst shopping)

Upon arriving at the tobacco kiosk, the pimply knave serving me seemed confused at my request for a tin of snuff.

/lurk
(Fri 10th Jun 2005, 11:21, More)

» Toilets

Fresh breath poo
Several years ago now I got utterly totalled at a friends BBQ and after imbibing a dangerous selection of bottled beers we slid into that most catastrophic phase of drinking "the spirits cabinet".

I proceeded to drink a whole bottle of Get 27 mint liquer to myself. Which is a vivid green colour.

My ablutions the following morning were quite something. The stools, whilst not being remarkable in size/shape/texture had an errie green glow to them, smelled strongly of mint and left my body with what I can only describe as a "cool menthol tingle".

I also had a scary lack of a hangover
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 15:35, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Lucky Money
A few years ago, I lived in Hong Kong, and as a sort of flea-bitten backpacker, I was moving from one badly paid bar job to another.

I'd been paid from the job I'd just left (at a hellhole Irish pub but that's another story) and needed to cash the cheque they'd given me.

To cash the cheque, I needed to go to the branch of the bank it was issued at - this happened to be the headquarters of the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (that's now HSBC) in Central. It's a pretty mad building with escalators on the inside and outside of the building.

A mate of mine at the time, a chap called Brett, came along with me as we were off for a pint afterwards.

A we get onto one of the escalators, Brett suddenly bends down and picks something up that was sat at the bottom of the escalator, and deftly puts it into his pocket, and gives me a wicked grin.

I cash my cheque and we leave the bank building... Brett shows me what's he's picked up, a massive roll of bright red 100 Hong Kong Dollar bills, $12,000 to be exact, which at the time was about £1,200.

So we went out and got absolutely wrecked that night on cocktails...

Which was nice.
(Thu 22nd Jun 2006, 15:19, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Oooh one I can post on....
Growing up - a few years ago now, I happened to encounter the foulest, most fetid beast ever of woman born.

His name was "S", and it is with a certain fear of reliving the memories that I recount this tale.

This was a person seemingly trapped in the nightmarish period of mid 1980's Heavy Metal.

He only wore faded Iron Maiden t-shirts and one of two pairs of jeans, which he literally lived in - sleeping in them. His hair was a long matted greasy clump, and washing was an optional activity - but these are minor details.

The true horror came from his diet. He literally lived on Pot Noodles, frozen microwave meals, and cheap "happy shopper" cola. This coupled with chain smoking cheap cigarettes and never *ever* brushing his teeth resulted in the worst rotten maw I have ever witnessed.

I happened to bump into him about 5 years later, and the horrific sight before me will stay with me for ever.
His teeth were rotten stumps encrusted in deep layers of plaque, and his gums were so infected and swollen he could barely speak - think Marlon Brando in "The God Father". In fact Shaun Ryder was an advert for Peal Drops compared to this.

He was stick thin, and his flesh had a cadaverous quality of the nearly dead, and yes - he was still wearing one of those Iron Maiden t-shirts.

Seriously kids, brush twice a day.

Length etc.

/lurk
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 14:40, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

The bench.
Whilst on holiday snowboarding in Les Deux Alpes, myself and rather strapping rugby player mate of mine (a 6'4", 330lbs, tight-head prop) took a shine to a *very* large cast iron and wood bench outside a bar.

Cue the pair of us carrying said bench for about 1/2 a mile through the centre of the resort in freezing conditions.

For reasons that are too complicated to explain at this juncture, we were both wearing full Scottish Highland Formal wear (Kilt, Bonnie Prince Charlie jacket etc.)

The look of utter bemusement on the faces of the two local Gendarme, as they drove slowly past us was priceless. They simply looked at us with Gallic indifference, as if two men in kilts carrying a bench, in the snow was perfectly normal.

The next morning we attempted to move said furniture to a better spot outside the chalet we were staying in and neither of us could lift it. It ended up being dumped at a bus stop for a courtesy coach.

Length, Girth etc.
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 16:27, More)