» Airport Stories

Best excuse for holding up an entire plane ever
You know how much people hate that one person who you can't take off without, and they prepare their best tutting faces to stare you down as you scuttle red-faced to your seat.

A few years ago I was that passenger, but you could see people hastily modifying their expressions of bile-filled rage as I was wheeled through the plane by a nurse, to be strapped to a stretcher attached to the back three rows, bruised and battered with my leg in plaster ankle to groin.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 21:27, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

took my clothes off for money
I got through uni by life modelling in various draughty art schools. It's easier for girls, as there is no fear of the stray erection (supposing you might get turned on by harsh strip lighting and having grannies looking startled as they accidentally catch your eye).

Downsides included having to wash charcoal dust from the most surprising places, the class with the mad woman who would wander round and dribble instead of drawing, and the deadly cold.

Upsides were free cups of tea, and reclining poses, where you are basically being paid to have a nice lie down. In the nude. In a room full of people. Hmmm. I think the money is rather better at Spearmint Rhino. At least there you then don't have to see twelve or fifteen wierdly distorted drawings of the saggy areas you are less than proud of...
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 20:40, More)

» Weird Traditions

public school was rife with this kind of thing...
... but possibly the wierdest and most impenetrable was on pancake day, when an event called the Greaze took place. Under the eyes of the Dean of Westminster Abbey in full ceremonial dress, and other dressed-up local worthies (local to the Palace of Westminster), boys from each house would compete for honour and glory for their house by scrapping over a horsehair pancake which would be tossed in their midst from a big iron frying pan.

An incredibly violent melee would ensue, and whoever was in possession of all their limbs and the largest portion of pancake by weight was the winner. Quite what they won escapes me, but the face of the Dean during the fight is burned on my memory forever - he looked like the whole thing gave off a very bad smell.

The other random bit of it was that after several deaths in the 17th and 18th centuries the school had special dispensation that if anyone died during the event that was ok. Which is nice.

The worst part is that most of those people I saw flailing around on the floor after a giant pancake are on their way to running the country now. This frightens me.
(Thu 28th Jul 2005, 12:47, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Pissed one afternoon in Covent Garden - can't remember why
Found these green snakeskin effect high heeled boots for only £5 - I couldn't understand why they were so cheap.

Obviously now I know - cos they're basically horrible. I still wear them sometimes to amuse my friends and confound strangers in the street. They make me look like I'm trying to look like a cross between Mick Jagger and Gary Glitter, which can never be a good thing, especially as I'm a girl
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 20:35, More)

» Jobsworths

Ever tried to get something out of a travel insurance company?
I had a motorbike crash in spain and had to be rushed to hospital, patched up, slung into bed with a broken knee and hands too bruised to put any weight on (eventually both turned out to be broken too). Astoundingly, despite being passed out most of the time at the side of the road, I had managed to scoop up my insurance documents, and gave them a call as soon as I could get someone to manhandle me into a wheelchair, to say I needed their help.

The so called emergency helpline were not so helpful though. Various people repeatedly told me that I had to continue my holiday, and it was not their job to get me home just because I'd had an accident, despite the fact that I couldn't move without help and the spanish hospital wanted to get me on a plane home as soon as possible so they could use the bed. When I tried to tell tham about how my injuries made that impossible, they'd write it down and promise to call back, but never did. When I called back the information would have mysteriously vanished

Ok I was up to the eyeballs in morphine so not as forceful as normal, but you'de hope they'd be trained for that. It took my sister, a forceful exec type, flying down to Spain and rescuing me, calling the insurers every hour on the hour, faxing documents to them repeatedly and literally carrying me into a hotel when the hospital chucked me out, to get anything out of them.

Eventually they sent out a nurse and flew me home on a stretcher in state, but it makes you wonder what would have happened if I hadn't have got the documents.

Did they refund my sister's unnecesary, last minute and stupidly expensive flight that she wouldn't have had to take if they had done their job properly? Of course not, because it wasn't a direct cost relating to the accident. Nor the hotel bill while we waited for them to organise the flight.
(Sat 14th May 2005, 22:53, More)