» I'm glad nobody saw me

Panic on the throne.
I'm a guy with a poor sense of direction.
Me, not exactly new to the job, have a righteous call to nature, so I flee to the restroom, jump into a stall, and launch my rockets. In walks another, chooses a stall next to mine and lets fly a thunderous piss which I thought was kind of odd because:
1) Men just cannot piss that hard.
2) I usually piss after dropping my bombs.
It was when the stall next to mine uttered "*ahem*" two octaves high for a normal male that I realized I was in the wrong room.

So I waited, and waited, and waited for the place to be empty, and then dashed out.

No one saw me. Also, girls are gross.
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 23:05, More)

» Trolls

I tell people who keep bees that they are putting the public in danger.
I ask them if they know bees sting, and that it hurts. I ask them if they know they can swarm and kill people. I ask them if they are sure it's legal to keep bees.

In reality, I don't care, but bee keepers are very easy to troll.
(Fri 20th May 2011, 20:11, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Late one evening I was about to leave work when I had to take a dump.
So I went to the men's room, took a seat, and promptly had a nose bleed.
A real gusher. Like realizing your hair is on fire while swimming, I heartily
blew gallons of blood on reams of toilet paper, feeling lucky to be so
positioned. I finished up, zipped up, and waited for the little electric eye
to flush, which it didn't. I started pressing the manual flush button like
I was trying to win something. No good. What was left was a horror scene,
a bowl deeply red with blood and piles of shit and fo bandages all in a heap.
Extravert medicine, it was.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 20:20, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Being super smart and good at computers didn't prepare me for the knuckle dragging joke coworkers played on me.
Because I rebooted twice, tried different mice/keyboards, and cursed a few times before I realized they had taken a screenshot of my environment and set it as the background image, and closed all other windows, so nothing appeared to work.
(Sat 14th Jan 2012, 2:06, More)

» Winning

I make winners!
Whenever I buy something from the corner store, and the change includes some unwanted copper coated zinc, I throw the pennies on the sidewalk for children to find and pick up. A friend of mine suggested the practice and it makes me feel dirty inside.
(Sat 30th Apr 2011, 1:00, More)