» Shame

Illuminous Horse of Course!
I once spray canned the words "I AM A CUNT HORSE" in massive letters on the side of a horse in illuminous green paint. Obviously I was very drunk.

However I nearly had a seisure 2 days later when I saw said Horse in the same field being scrubbed by a geezer as I flew past on the Blackpool - London train
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 16:14, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

Jehova Smehova
A Few years ago, i answered the door to what looked like 2 extras from men in black. I instantly knew what they were going to say, so I just closed the door.

As there is glass in my door I could see that they were still there, and lo and fucking behold they pressed the doorbell again.

Now one of my hobbies is junior football and the day before we had been at a tournament, run by our club, as if by magic there was a loudhaler thing there, as I had used it the day before to announce games and other bits and bobs.

As all the thoughts of what I could say to the 2 said dressed men were going through my head, they pressed again, "ding dong" went the bell.

So I picked up the loudhaler opened the door at light speed and shouted with the haler on full volume

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOOR YOU JESUS LOVING CUNTS.

They went.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 13:06, More)

» Conned

Nintendo Wiiii
In the height of the release of the Wii Console, I couldn't get one anywhere. I therefore had to revert to Ebay.

I found one and paid over the odds for it, and yep you guessed it - the fucking thing never turned up. Cue torrents of abuse from Mrs Hoogs and what a gullible pleb I was.

After weeks of emailing this twunt I had no joy. I then thought, "I wonder if he uses MSN Messenger" - Well tickle my tits till Friday he did. However I added him under a different address and msn name.

I told him i had been given his mail address from someone on ebay, and had he any Wii's for sale. Halfway through the conversation he added a mate who dropped a right fucking bollock.

He copied and pasted the guys address in the 3 way conversation, only turned out he lived 20 miles away.

Needless to say I had my Wii and some cash after I drove to his house with 3 mates and threatened to slit his throat.

The fucking robbing cunt.

I then had him banned from ebay

Length? - ram it
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 23:05, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Cooookiiiiieeessss
Growing up in the late 70's and 80's I was partial to a bit of the old Sesame Street.

Favourite characters were Grover, The Honkers, The 2 headed monster etc etc. However out of them all it was THE COOKIE MONSTER

Now for those of you who haven't seen him - he is a big furry blue monster, who had a caring side and a stressed side, all subsided though when he got Cookies.

He loved them, NOM NOM NOM NOM and cookies would fucking fly everywhere. Quality

Here goes (i can feel my anger growing)

Last week ALL copies of DVD's that had early episodes of Cookie Monster going radio over cookies have been pulled from the shelves.

Apparantley it promotes obesity.

AAAGGGGHHH HOW?

Bert and Ernie loved rubber ducks, doesnt make me want to go and fuck something rubber.

So listen up you fat fucking pie eating cunts. Get to the fucking gym and stop stuffing your fucking faces you massive land slugs.

I want my monster back

FUCKING WANKERS.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 15:25, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Cousins - Pffffttt
I once had full penetrative sex with my cousin after taking lots of Ecstacy at Shelleys Nightclub in Stoke in 1990.

She screamed like a fúcking banshee, mind you I would if I was having my back doors banged like a screen soor in a hurricane.

Drugs eh? - who'd have em
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 12:10, More)