» When animals attack...

Dogs...ooh and then one about tortoises
I used to be a paperboy for my sins...I once went to a door to chuck the shitty newspaper through the postbox and the owner of the house opened the door...their dog jumps out and proptly bites my knee...I promptly kick the cunt in the balls...the fucker runs away yelping...I walk away with a sore knee but a sense of triumph...

and the tortoise one...

I went to some crocodile reserve in Mauritius a few years ago...we wander around and eventually get to see the giant tortoises...one spots me and walks towards me with a hungry look in it's eye...I move away assuming it just wants to get past...it turns and carries on moving towards me...I move away a bit more this time...it turns again to face me and carries on...
this carries on for about 10 minutes until my wife finally stops cooing over one that she's feeding...and we fuck off to look at the monkeys...I've never been chased so slowly in my life...

apologies for a shite answer, but the question isn't particualrly inspiring!!!
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 14:52, More)

» Useless advice

Not necessarily advice
but my mum told me when I was young that women don't poo...I've no idea why she told me this...but seriously, I was convinced that women didn't poo...it still freaks me out to think think that they do...
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 16:50, More)

» Hidden Treasure

I leave work tomorrow
well I get made redundant...so in true time honoured tradition I've been finding valuable treasure...you may call it theft but to the morally deprived of us it becomes redistribution of wealth....anyway the current list includes
4 canteen chairs
1,000 or so work branded pens
Other assorted pens and stationery
Folders
Flipcharts
Halogen Lights
200 instant plastic coffee cup things
£110
A box of Kelloggs Frosted Wheats

I'll miss the place so much I want to bring as much home with me as I can...
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 17:01, More)

» Job Interviews

Joke Face
I once went for a job interview for a major bank where they asked me what I thought were my strong points...I'd naturally said "well I have a good sense of humour" to which the guy said "go on then, make me laugh" so I disengage my brain and say "You don't need me to make you laugh mate, all you've got to do is look in a fucking mirror"...the interview went downhill from there...
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 17:03, More)

» Useless advice

Teacherly Advice
My old Physics tutor used to say "The angle of the dangle is directly proportionate to the heat of the beat"...wise words...

and as for the Clean Underwear-Hit by a bus advice...I don't think it'd matter...I'd probably shit myself with fear moments before being hit anyway...so that goes down the pan really...
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 11:46, More)