» Airport Stories

Crash!
I was on a plane that crashed. Thankfully rather than being at 36,000 feet we were on the ground at an airport and doing probably about 30mph.

We were off on a skiing holiday and after an pretty boring charter flight we landed at Lyon airport. We were taxiing to the terminal when there was a huge crash, the plane lurched to the left, a stewardess fell over and my mate Mark shouted, "Yes, I've always wanted to go down the slides!". I was on the left of the plane and couldn't see out the window what was going on. In fact, it's all a bit of a mistery until one of my friends on the other sides of the plane called out, "Bloody hell, we hit the sodding lamp post!!!".

Yes, our highly trained pilot had driven the plane into a lamp post and torn the end of the wing off. Numpty.


(Sat 4th Mar 2006, 21:39, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Expensive Champagne
Friend of mine from work took his good wife away on a weekend in Paris. He ordered them a bottle of £70 champers which he thought was a bargain. It was only when he remarked how good value the coffee was at 50p a go that she pointed out that he had his maths wrong and the coffee was actually £5. The light bulb went on and he realised that his bargain £70 bottle had just cost him £700! He did say that he wondered why two waiters had come to the room when the bottle arrived...
(Wed 31st Oct 2007, 15:36, More)

» Festivals

Melinda Messenger's norks
A few years ago, a mate of mine worked for a music press agency. As such he was always sorting us out with tickets. I forget the exact festival (Reading I think...) but he got us backstage passes one year. It's hardly rock and roll but the bogs are fragrant and, more importantly, the queue for the bar is non-existent.

One one trip to the bar there was a short blond lady being harassed by some drunk bloke. I didn't pay too much attention but as I got to the bar the girl (who seemed to be on the verge of tears) turned round, grabbed my arm and said "It's ok, I'm with him, bye". The bloke stumbled off and I looked round at my new found friend only to find it was the then-newly-famous Melinda Messenger! In a short skirt. And very tight top. She gave me a kiss (on the cheek!) to say thank you and signed my T-Shirt.

In case you're wondering, they were (and I'm sure still are) magnificent...
(Tue 9th Jun 2009, 16:39, More)

» God

I almost ran over a Jehovah's Witness the other week...
I'd been out shopping with the Mrs and rugrat in tow and had just arrived home. I swung the car into the drive quite quickly not expecting a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses to be walking in the other entrance to our drive way at exactly the same time. God was surely on their side as I had to perform some Lewis Hamilton heroics to avoid running them over. I hope God is also on the side of their washing machine as by the look on face of one of them I think he may have soiled himself. They left pretty quick...
(Tue 24th Mar 2009, 10:21, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Oh apple blossom...
Mr Clark the art teacher. What a legend. He only lasted a few terms at school as he couldn't control a class and seemed to be a bit under the influence most of the time. I'll never forget when he said to one of my mates "X, your mother is a fine figure of a woman"

But he was our hero for one incident.

He had a habbit of giving people strange nick names. There was one guy in the year thought himself to be a bit of a ladies man but was a little rich kid and right stuck up cock. Good old Clarky nicknamed him Apple Blossom. Dunno why. Anyway, we had our end of year exams in the big hall like you do, and as Apple Blossom made his way to his desk he dropped his pencil case spilling the contents everywhere. From the back of the room Mr Clark shouts for all to hear, "Oh Apple Blossom, what have you done you poor dear!". Apple Blossom turned bright red and the rest of the room burst out laughing at him.

He didn't last much longer but did come to say hello one day as he stumbled back from the local in his lunch hour...
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 15:10, More)