» Food sabotage

a hearty lunch
In biology class, we were experimenting with fruit flies (which basically involved killing them all, as far as I could tell) on slabs of agar jelly (to keep them alive).

An hour later, eating my packed lunch, my chesse sandwiches tasted decidedly odd. I persevered, much to the amusement of my 'friends' at the table. In a moment of great comedy, Fred had put agar in my sandwiches. And chucked the cheese, which was worse.

Revenge was sweet when the next day he was sitting at a different table in the dining room and opened his lunchbox to find not the delicious ham sandwiches his mother had prepared, but instead a sheep's heart between two slices of bread.

No one fucked with my lunch again.
(Tue 23rd Sep 2008, 9:10, More)

» Crap meals out

my mother's sausages
My mother brought home a pound of sausages. Very strange sausages. Swiss, or something, but my memory is hazy on the origin. My memory is not hazy about the smell. They stank. Of dick cheese. I kid you not. As she merrily fried them, the retch inducing stench of unclean helmet infused the entire house. My dad made himself scarce (thanks, dad) while my brothers and I sat at the table utterly refusing to eat such things. I think the stalemate lasted about an hour before my mother finally caved.

Apologies for it not being out, but the worst meal out I've ever had is only something like the food not turning up, or something.

Best meal? Spaghetti with mussels at the Studio cafe in Elstree and Borehamwood. yum yum yum
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 10:50, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

silk purse from a pork sword
My friend told me a story where his mate had, in full view of all his friends in the pub, stuffed £1.59's worth of coppers down his foreskin, and closed the top over.

I clumsily tried it later on, much to my shrieking-in-pain chagrin, as the edges of the 2s and 1s nipped and pinched my tenderest skin in numerous places.

(I eventually stacked them up so that there were no gaps - gaps mean nips - and stuffed the resulting column down. 22p, not too shabby with a full close-over)
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 16:54, More)

» Missing body parts

appendix, ear, elbow
The first part I lost was my appendix. Woke up one morning, and started vomiting. Still vomiting 3 hours later, dad decided I needed to have my appendix taken out. It was full of worms, apparently, which sounds quite apalling.

Fast forward many years to a drunken fight where my attacker bites off the top part of my left ear. Clean as a whistle, but now not terribly pretty. (one of the only other fights I've been in I lost the contents of my bowels - but I did win the fight against an enormous drugged up pimp).

More years pass, and I fall off my push-bike at 3mph hopping up a kerb. Result, two broken arms, and I now have a stainless steel radial head, because the other one was rubbish and had to go. Quite frankly, the new one is pretty shit, too. I creak like a church door.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 12:52, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

ferries
When I was a kid, living in Belfast, we used to get the Larne Stranraer ferry quite often. I would quite often be copiously sick. I always got sea sick, still do. And air-sick. And coach sick, bus sick, taxi sick. Unless I'm driving.

The worst time was one January going back to Uni. It was very choppy. Stormy even. I tried to stick it out inside, but I knew the only way I'd feel better would be to a) get some fresh air, and b) have a good spew over the side. So out I went, lurching to the railings. I dangerously leaned over and began to chunder. A few minutes in, I was beginning to feel slightly better, when along came the most enormous wave, and I became drenched head to foot in the ice-cold water of the Irish Sea. I was no longer feeling better - I was beginning to think I might be the first person to die of hypothermia on a three hour ferry crossing. As soon as I went back inside, the need to chunder overtook me. Outside was now too cold, so I spent the remaining two hours in a ferry toilet in a gale (if there is a better vision of hell, I can't imagine it) vomiting and shivering. Oh, and then I had a 7 hour coach journey, but I slept through that, thank christ.
(Mon 11th Sep 2006, 14:00, More)