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I rather enjoy toast.

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» Petty Sabotage

I used to know a girl...
who at the age of six thought she could get away with drawing on the walls if by writing her brother's name next to any pictures she had drawn.

Her brother was 14 at the time.
(Sun 8th May 2005, 10:25, More)

» Shame

The boyfriend
and I had gone to the opening of the brand new sparkly city library, which had been greatly hyped during the six years it had taken to build the damn thing. Particularly impressive was the children's section, complete with a wall-to-wall aquarium, life size cast of a t-rex skeleton, and columns made to look like stacks of alphabet building blocks that tiny children play with. My boyfriend, while very intelligent, lacks a verbal filter. He pointed a column across the room and read the letters.

"A...B...F?! WHAT kind of A FUCKING RETARD gets that wrong?!"

At which point I was forced to grab my boyfriend by the wrist and lead him out the building as he protested. You see, he had failed to notice the preschool-aged boy with Down syndrome accompanied by his scandalized-looking grandmother standing directly in front of that particular column.
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 4:47, More)

» Shame

DIEt.
I had taken a job at a coffee shop, and thusly found myself with an innocent crush on my Chris Martin lookalike supervisor (innocent, as I already had a John Cho lookalike boyfriend).

Erring to the side of rotund, I found myself very self-conscious about joining my coworkers in snacking on the sweets that are very abundant in a coffee shop, even though I was dying to (I would wait until the end of my shift and sneak things out). One day, the aforementioned supervisor asked me why I never joined in the collective nosh, and I quickly lied and said that I was diabetic. The response worked better than I thought, as not only did it create sympathy, it was also an implied justification of my huge ass. I started bringing salad to work with me every day to eat under the admiring eye of my supervisor, who praised me from time to time for my bravery in dealing with a difficult disease while the others stuffed their faces.

So one day we had this gigantic chocolate cake of madness at the store, and I had forgotten my salad, and was STARVING. I had decided to coordinate my break with when my favorite supervisor was leaving so I could sit in the back room and indulge myself. Six hours into my shift, the time came, and I was so famished that I couldn't even be bothered to get a fork and plate: I just shoved the fucking thing in my face, figuring that I could just wash up before returning to the floor, when I heard the most terrifying words ever.

"Hey, I fucking forgot my coat."

I whipped around in shock to see that a.) my supervisor had returned, and b.) my reflection in the giant back of room fridge, revealing that I had chocolate smeared all over my face.

He found the whole situation to be hilarious, but I was never able to look him in the eye again. Ah, well, it's what I get for being a fatty with a wandering eye.
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 4:31, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Say uncle.
I wanted to go out early for my anniversary with my boyfriend, so I told my boss that I needed a few days off because my uncle had a heart attack and my family needed me to fly out to go to the funeral (we were intending to go off to some lovely beach resort for the weekend). My boss bought it. Success!

.....imagine my delight when I got a call at two in the morning from my father saying that my uncle had a heart attack and I needed to fly to the funeral.

Karma is a huge bitch.

Whee.
(Sat 10th Jun 2006, 6:40, More)

» Pure Ignorance

A Dance of Ignorance.
I have a coworker who was home-schooled and boasts of his superiority to the rest of us who received "mainstream education" every chance he gets.

The same fellow accused me of making up Helen Keller, said that hydrogen is not flammable "because it's the wet part of water", and when the movie "Goodbye, Lenin" premiered at the theatre across the street, he proudly announced "They spelled it wrong. It's L-E-N-N-O-N," and stood smugly with his arms folded while the rest of us shook our heads in disbelief. I needn’t add that he was highly disappointed when he watched it and none of his favorite songs were in it.

Also, my parents split and my father remarried a Christian evangelist when I was in junior high school. She brought with her a daughter from a previous marriage who was three years my junior. One day we were returning from a forced church excursion when my stepsister asked “Mommy, when the cats die, will they go to heaven?”
“No,” my stepmother replied cheerily, “because the bible says they have no souls. But there will be animals in heaven because the bible says that the lion and the lamb will lay down together.” To this, sullen twelve year old me spoke up.
“Doesn’t that just mean that the strong and the weak will be created equal?”
“NO!” My stepmother shrieked, flames curling at her nostrils “it means that there will be LIONS and LAMBS!”
Shortly thereafter, I decided to follow in my mother’s footsteps and became a Jew.
(Thu 13th Jan 2005, 4:45, More)
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