» Encounters with Royalty

Liz's Garden Party
My family were invited to the Queen's Garden Party in Edinburgh a few years ago.

We had to wear posh togs, with hats and everything. It was a lovely day, and we got free tea and cakes. After about an hour of getting there, people started lining up to meet the royals.

My brother and I decided to get a good view near the front. We must have been standing for at least an hour, all the while being prodded by flamboyantly dressed Security with big sticks, asking us to move back whilst we waited for the Royals to show.

There were loads of old folks and wheelchair-bound war veterans who had been invited, and were very excited at the prospect of a royal handshake. They pushed through the people that had been waiting and arranged themselves at the front of the crowd.

Eventually Liz, Phil and Andrew showed up, shaking a few hands and having a natter on the way round. Andy looked a bit miffed in his Navy uniform, and made a hasty retreat to the Royal tea tent. Liz met a few brave children and old folks. The nearest I got to a royal was good ol' Phil. As one old wheelchair bound lady wheeled towards him, he asked her if she could do a wheelie. He then told us that, if we got invited again, we should all get a wheelchair so we could barge our way to the front, 'like this one'.

He then started telling us that you can get wheelchairs in America that can push people who weigh up to 400lbs.
' I wouldn't like to be the one pushing her !' he chortled before bidding us goodbye, wished us a good day and sauntered off to his next set of adoring fans.

Gawd love 'em !
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 15:45, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Silver service
I worked as a silver service waitress when I was about 16 at the local hotel. Not only were most of the chefs complete cnuts, but all the kitchen porters were all the chavvy school drop outs. The hotel owners liked to pass the establishment off as 3-star verging on the 4th, but the food preparation left a lot to be desired.

I saw them re-use vegetables and potatoes, as well as stirring in the skin that developed on soup and mayonnaise on a regular basis. Half the veg weren't prepared properly, so I'd regularly have to hide vegetables with big black bits all over them as I was serving the customers.

Unfortunately, I had to go to my school prom there. We got the cheapest menu options, and I was very careful only to eat certain parts of the meal. For dessert, we had profiteroles. I was a bit unsure as I had never seen them served in all my 2 years of working there, but my mate who was working that night assured me that they were left over from the wedding the night before.

The worst was by far the annual Christmas parties, as you had not only the self appointed 'funny guy' who took the piss out of you all night, but all the randy young men trying to look down your top and feel your arse as you were clearing their(often untouched) dinner away.

It was horrible. Never, ever, EVER again.
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 14:54, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

ouiji board stuff.....
I'm afraid i do indeed believe in the ghosts etc - not entirely sure what, but i do believe there is a point between life and death that you should not cross. This is why i have never played ouija boards myself, and instead thrive on other people's stories.

This is a bit vague - one of my childhood friend's dad told me this years ago. Apparently, a group of his uni friends all decided to have a go on t'board. They managed to contact someone and were having a nice wee chat.

Anyway, the conversation with said alleged dead person got a bit freaky. One of the female participants asked ' what do you see ?' To which the glass spelt out 'The Devil'. (from reading the posts for this particular QOTW, it seems a pretty standard answer).

So the girl asks 'where do you see it ?' The glass spells out 'the mirror'. (not the newspaper, although i suppose,in retrospect, quite apt)

So the girl went over and took a look in the nearest mirror, turned hysterical, promptly screamed the place down, and had to be sedated and carted off by an ambulance to a psychiatric unit.

My dad has seen quite a few ghosts, so i think that's where i got the interest. During his time in the RAF, one of his beds was haunted by a chap who had slept there previously but committed suicide a few years before. He endured a year or so of having his pillow snatched from under his head and thrown across the room early every morning.

Once you have had a brush with this sort of stuff, you stop needing scientific evidence or proof to back up that what you have seen or experienced is 'real'.

Believing in supernatural phenomena is a choice, but claiming other people are retarded or stupid for doing so is unfair and 'retarded' in itself.
(Fri 21st Apr 2006, 16:38, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Ain't life grand / £ 1,000

Well this isn't really about me carrying but still apt...

A young lad from my inbred hometown had a job in one of the local pubs.

One day, he was sent to next door to the post office to deposit some cash - £1,000 i believe.

He ran off with it, and has not been seen since. Apparently the police launched a search for him.

We hear he is now officially homeless.He was interviewed on Scotland Today a while ago about his views on his life as a tramp.

So much for trying to keep a low profile.
(Fri 23rd Jun 2006, 12:22, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Disappearing black eye
My mum used to work as a Receptionist, and the temps they used to send to help her out were all complete twunts. One, however, somehow managed to stay on permanently.

I went home for 5 weeks before going travelling, and this girl never worked more than a few days combined the whole time. She lied about funerals, illnesses, family problems and car crash accidents, including a black eye which magically disappered overnight. She never threw a sickie herself, and instead chose various members of her dysfunctional family to call my mum with various conflicting stories, as well as occasionally roping in her thick-as-pig-shit boyfriend to cover up her tracks. She usually just went shopping.

Her most lengthy lie was when she lied about possibly having polycystic ovarian syndrome. For weeks, she complained about stomach cramps and vomiting and eventually 'had to be hospitalised'.

Although my mum knew this was a bunch of crud, she had to play along. After a few weeks, the site manager wanted to sent the stupid bint some flowers and when they rang up the hospital, they found out she was in a completely different ward than she originally claimed, and was actually staying in the maternity ward.

She returned to announce that she was pregnant, and seemed to forget all of her other illnesses and operations she claimed to have had. So she then left on maternity leave and is for some reason still considered a valued member of staff.

She nearly gave my poor mum a nervous breakdown with her constant lying and backstabbing, so I hope something VERY VERY BAD happens to her one day.

Thankyou please.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 12:50, More)