» Accidentally Erotic

During last night's CSI
Watching CSI last night, I spot a character, supposedly a famous film star, laying down with his shirt off and start to feel a bit hot and bothered.

Me - "He's certainly well put together"
Housemate - "He's a corpse!"
Me - "Shit.."
(Wed 8th Feb 2006, 9:52, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Riding a bike while needing a piss
Once, at the tender age of ten, I was out riding my bike around the estate and realised I needed a wee. I really needed a wee. Desperately. I was so desperate for a wee that, as I furiously cycled to try and find somewhere to relieve my bladder, I very slightly wet myself. I was horrified to discover when returning from the bush I had found that a girl I knew was now riding about on my bike.

"What if some of my wee on the saddle goes up into her and makes her pregnant?"

For about 2 weeks after that I was terrified that I'd made this girl pregnant with my wee.

I was a very naive boy.

xx
(Sun 28th Sep 2008, 1:48, More)

» Cross Dressing

I can run around in heels...
As a transvestite, cross dressing is sort of my job. I can think of a couple of funny things that have happened while I've been out cross dressing.

One evening I was at the late lamented Full Tilt at the Electric Ballroom in Camden. There I was in my little black dress, fishnets, heels, wig, etc., sitting next to my best friend who was chatting to someone or other. As I was sitting there, minding my own business, a little fat skinhead, aged about thirty, came and sat next to me and started dribbling in my ear about the music. I didn't think anything of it until I realised that he was touching my knee an awful lot and it suddenly occurred to me "Shit. He thinks I'm a real girl!" Although I'm bisexual I didn't think he was (and he was a bit ugly), so I had to think of a way out of it without getting my face punched in. I jabbed my best friend in the side a couple of times until she eventually looked round and saw my predicament. She leaned over and asked me if I wanted to get a drink with her, so I nodded desperately and we ran to the bar.

He followed us. I didn't realise that he had until I was stood at the bar and I felt him pressing up against my back. I looked towards my friend with total fear, she realised what was going on and put her arms round me and said "Excuse me, do you mind leaving my girlfriend alone?". The skinhead pulled a face of "Ugh! Lesbians" and ran away. Hurrah.


Another time at Full Tilt, I got a phonecall, so ducked into the toilets and into a cubicle to take the call. The guys in the toilet were a bit surprised when I said "Okay, bye" in my fairly male sounding voice then emerged from the cubicle as a female.
(Tue 20th Mar 2007, 12:46, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

First year at uni
Okay, so I lost it even later...

It was the first term and I'd been hanging out in the common room of our halls with a bunch of folks for several weeks, one of whom was this slightly odd but fairly fit looking girl. We seemed to get on really well and late one night she asked me back to her room. I was already in my jim-jams (aww, bless), so I put on my dressing gown and wandered up to her room on the top floor where things proceeded to get incredibly tactile and VERY interesting.

She should never have left the telly on.

There was some crappy drama on that we weren't really paying attention to, when all of a sudden I heard a familiar voice. A girl who I'd been at college with and who'd gone on to be an actress (she can currently be seen playing Naughty Rachel in Green Wing) wandered across the screen. I jumped up (massive hard on not withstanding), pointed at the screen and proclaimed "I know her!".

The girl I was with said that was very nice, "anyway, I'd better go to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow" and I was ejected from the room. Fuck.

It turned out later that this rather dippy seeming nice girl was in fact completely nuts and something of a slapper, so I escaped alright, I suppose.

Didn't lose it for another 5 1/2 years though (yeah, I know, tragic)
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 13:56, More)

» Council Cunts

Runnymede Borough Cunt-cil
Living as I do in Surrey, I'm right in the middle of the bleeding stock broker belt. This means that despite earning a modest amount as a Library Assistant, I'm stung with a large council tax bill to cover the rich cunts and their mansions.

A couple of years ago I was unemployed for a couple of months. I had a few grand saved up, so didn't sign on immediately, signed up to many agencies, etc, and tried to get work, but do no avail. So, I signed on, and at the same time was given a form to apply for housing benefit with the local Borough Council. So, having filled in the byzantine paperwork, I decided to take it to the council offices personally, so that I didn't run the risk of Royal Mail losing it. I took along all the necessary paperwork and caught the train to Addlestone (a small hole in the middle of nowhere, the only thing it has going for it being a large Tesco). I found the offices, found the right desk, took a ticket and waited.

"Hello", I said to the amiable old biddy behind the counter. "I'd like to register for Housing Benefit. I've bought the forms from the Job Centre and all of the relevant paperwork"

"Oh good," replies the old dear. "And do you have the other form?"

"What other form?" I ask.

"The Council's own Housing Benefit form".

So, I was given another form to go away and fill in. It was only when I got home that I opened the form and found that it was EXACTLY the same form as I had alreafy filled in. It just had the Runnymede Borough Council crest stamped on the front. I filled it in, took it back the following day, then went back to looking for work and hoping for a job soon and for my rent to be covered.

However, the Job Centre, as usual, dragged their feet over sorting out my claim. When I had to go on Jury Service a few weeks later, because they'd not sorted my claim, I had to sign off and was not able to claim any covering money back from the Crown Prosecution Service, aside from my travel costs.

Cut forward a few months, and I have JSA, Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit. I then get a threatening letter from the council to say that because I had "earned £55 one week in November", I had to pay back money to them for being a benefit cheat.

What the stupid cunts failed to noticed was that the money I'd "earned" was in fact my own money being paid back to me because I'd had to spend it on travel to be able to do my civic duty in fulfilling Jury Service.

Cunts.
(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 20:48, More)