» Picky Eaters

No, you're not allergic.
People who claim to be allergic, or that they can't eat things, when they only have a real or imaginary intolerance are the lowest of the low. Every time one of them claims they are allergic to something that will only make them a bit gassy, they piss someone off and make them more likely not to be careful when someone like my brother is around. My brother is _actually_ allergic to peanuts. Unlike a housemate who claimed to be allergic to them WHILE EATING A WHOLE BAG (they refused to believe this meant they weren't), my brother's throat begins to close up if someone opens a jar of peanut butter in the room. We discovered his allergy when he projectile vomited on a priest after eating a mouthful of nutty fudge. How we laughed, until we had to rush him to hospital for adrenalin so he could breath.

And people tell you the most unbelievable things when you have to bring it up. On holiday, a family next to us by the pool requested a bowl of peanuts for the children to throw to the birds. We asked them to be careful, as said brother was allergic. "Oh," they said, "We think little poppet here is too." as they passed another handful to the child, "but the doctors won't give us an epipen." *$%@ You think your child needs to carry a fucking needle and adrenalin around with them in case they see a peanut? And you're practically smearing them with nutty dust?

Sorry, not funny, but these fucking people could get him killed, and I'd really rather that didn't happen. I wouldn't even care if they thought they were allergic, if they actually took reasonable precautions. More people avoiding peanuts would be a good thing for actual sufferers. But no, they create the impression that a peanut allergy is something that ENABLES YOU TO EAT PEANUTS WITH NO BAD EFFECTS. Or maybe a slight twinge in your tummy, poor pet. And then someone doesn't keep the cake slices seperate and a teenager dies.

I'd... better stop now.
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 0:24, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Robbed some friendly guys
Was visiting America with a friend. We'd met some guys in a bar, but weren't really interested in anything other than chatting and drinking. Had some fun conversation, visited various bars, they took us back to their hotel room....

In my defence, we were very drunk and I thought they were going to rape us. My friend was clearly oblivious to any connotations of going drunk to some random guy's hotel room and sitting on his bed trying on his T-shirt. I managed to convince them to leave us alone in the room while they went to fetch beer from their car, then dragged my friend from the room to the fire escape - with the T-shirt and baseball cap one of the guys had just won in some competition and was very proud of.

We fled down the fire escape and ninja'd our way out of the hotel, peeking round corners for them. Even before we left the hotel, I was feeling guilty about the hat and shirt, and nearly took them to hand in to reception. However, fear of being spotted by the guys on their way back ruled that out.

I still feel slightly sick every time I think about this; the guys will never trust the English again. One of them, at least, seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and I hate having done this. It wasn't intended as a scam, but it seemed to become one. However, I would be more remorseful if we'd stayed, so I suppose it's all good...
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 14:38, More)

» Top Tips

Quantities of mucus
Need quantities of something that looks like mucus? Make up some thick Bird's custard and add a splash of blue food colour. The resemblance is frightening, including the way it thickens as it cools. Salt can be added for a more realistic taste if necessary.
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 20:01, More)

» Kids

Morton's fork
My mother is busy cooking and doing washing while her children have thankfully taken themselves quietly off somewhere. The doorbell rings and she opens the door to a neighbour.

"Did you know your children are on the roof, naked?"
.
.
.
.
.
"Yes."

In fact they weren't naked - they had their knickers on. So that's alright.

I believe the time between politely closing the door and dragging the small, barely-clothed fiends through the window could have been measured in microseconds.
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 2:18, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Small boys
My younger brothers used to like playing in their rooms together, but needed to distinguish this from playing on computers or with toys.

This explains why my little brother would announce in a loud voice, "Come on, let's go and play with ourselves in my room." or "Can I go on the computer? I've been playing with myself since lunch.".
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 15:38, More)