» Festivals

The foot
We Went to Reading festival in 2007 with a guy that had lived next door to me for years who was a bit green when it came to drugs. This was to be his baptism of fire (quite literally) to a world of druggage to which he would never go back...

Got there on the thursday and set up camp with about 15 others, did the usual in getting everything set up and the fire going which was all good. Being the impatient lot we are, we bosh the acid on the first night but my aforementioned friend decided he did not want acid as it would be too heavy. Fair enough.

After a couple of hours he was getting a bit bored of watching us all stare at the fire making funny noises and laughing so unbeknownst to me asks another of my friends if he can have an E.

he has the E then after it does not work he asks for another, then another, then another.

In the space of an hour. AN HOUR. This man had never taken drugs before in his life. He came up and couldn't speak for about 2 hours, his face looked like it was about to explode and foam was coming out of his mouth. Any attempt to communicate was met with a wild stare and a growling noise through the clenched teeth of a madman, I feared for his life.

After 2 hours of trying to get the poor fucker to tell us what he wanted he shouted in the loudest possible way:

JOOINNT!!

after getting the joint sorted he decided that his feet were cold and wanted to to put them in the fire. Despite this obviously being a bad idea and everyone trying to discourage him from doing so, he kept putting his bloody feet in the fire!

On waking up in the morning it turned out that his foot had actually cooked inside his wellington. Like properly cooked. The flesh had come away from the bones and all you could see was meat and tendons, it was disgusting. I am at work now and don't have the picture, but when I get home you are all in for a treat!

BEHOLD THE FOOT!

This was about 3 months after the date in question. I can't find a more sickening one than this I'm afraid


(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 16:46, More)

» Get Rich Quick

Hmmm
I started a website, asked people to contribute sick jokes then dared to sell them all back to them in a book!

fnar
(Thu 31st Jul 2008, 23:57, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Expert in the field......
In no particular order of favouriteness:

* flicking ash into people who are cunts pints then watching them be ill.
* Countless rubbing of peoples phones in my arse crack when they are outof the office is also good if someone is particularly annoying me.
* Gluing all the tools in the woodwork shop in school to the shelves so no one can use them.
* Blocking the work toilet with large amounts of shite and bog paper. then flushing and running off.
* Changing the win95 logo.sys and logow.sys files to show goatse at college (that nearly got me booted out)
* also just randomly changing peoples homepage to goatse is a good one anywhere really...
* Working as an IT support person is easily the best job for sabotaging stuff as everyone trusts you implicitly even though you can actually be a bastard. If that moany secretary gets you down i find emptying paperclips into a pc then seeing how long it is before the users pc shorts and dies, then blaming them for pushing paperclips into their machines is a good one.
* Deliberately breaking stuff so i can go off site and do nothing for a whole day,(should have put that in last week, D'oh!) Also turning peoples network speed down to the lowest is funny too...

Such an evil git........

I blame my mother!!!
(Wed 4th May 2005, 11:36, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Radio One Fun
I got a pair of tickets for radio1s big weekend the other week which I was most excited about! So my friend and I set off for Maidstone with a six pack each on a train which was entirely unremarkable and on which nothing interesting happened....

AHA but that is not the train journey about which I am writing dear reader! no no no! I am writing to tell you about the train journey home from maidstone, which turned into probably my most embarressing and amusing night all rolled into one for a long time!

Picture the scene: The sun is beaming down and we have each drunka six pack drunk by 2pm prior to entry and we've had a couple of doobs in the big weekend place. Our lust for alcohol is so intense that we decide to create a terrible abomination to get ourselves more drunk, the cider with white wine top! A genius idea which involved splitting a mini wine bottle between our pints of cider.

This served it's purpose and we ended up wasted. So wasted that my friend thought it would be a grand idea to buy some strange pills from the man at the dance stage, and get jiggy with it to sounds of whatever repetitive booming was eminating loudly. Of course the medecine took it's effect and dues to the amount drunk and the days excessive heat I became something of a retarded zombie, lurching around and generally making a prat of myself. Now onto the train journey!

My friend has to walk me to the station because I can't walk more than 10 steps without falling into something. We finally get on the train which is absolutely packed and miraculously we get a seat opposite each other, all is going well until I feel the need to vom BADLY. I spew a little bit over my mate and of course he does the natural thing and laughs, meanwhile everyone else looks digusted. I thought that would be the last of it but NO, I spent the whole train journey being sick into my mouth and then swallowing it back down (not to say there was not any leakage of course) Every time this happened everyone would make disgusted sounded ERR noises and made such priceless comments as:

"I really dont like can we move please!" from the girl next to me, to which her boyfriend laughed and said no.

and the dad with his young son who said something along the lines of:
"thats what happens when you drink too much and do drugs Timmy"

They were all stuck with the puke monster as there was no more space on the train, it was about as bad as rush hour.....

No one would move to let me get to the toilet, not that I could walk anyway. Of course as soon as I got off the train I painted the platform with an orange cider broth, which had stained the floor up until this week.

I should feel ashamed at this, but strangely I don't.....
(Thu 29th May 2008, 20:56, More)

» Posh

Poshness sucks
I myself am from Kent, not a very posh bit I must admit, but I can speak posh if I wants to.

But anyway, the poshest person I've ever met is the leader of the the County Council at work, I installed his pc for him in his wood panelled office which even had a fireplace FFS! With a portrait of some guy on a horse surrounded by dogs and dead foxes or somethin. I think the painting was of himself but this thing was like 12 feet tall and 4 foot wide, seriously large! So surrounded by leather bound tomes of old council bollocks i trundled in with me trolley with his new pc, and said in my best estuary english:

(phonetic for you pedants)

"Awight maate, ha ya doin?"

to which he said:

"Excuse me!"

So I said:
"Awight maate! wherdya want the computer to go then"

He looked angry that a commoner was in his office so he just pointed to the desk and went out.


How I laughed as I wiped my schlong round his coffe mug.
(Thu 15th Sep 2005, 10:42, More)