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Profile for Rastus P Watermelon:
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» Customers from Hell

The customer *is* always right
"The customer is always right" is my motto, a maxim to live by in all industries.

The reason I say this, is because if someone comes along who is wrong, then they are obviously not a customer, and can piss off, and stop wasting my time.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 16:59, More)

» My sex misconceptions

navels
A late friend of mine once confessed, that when he was small, he had been misled into thinking that the way one impregnated a girl, was to touch her belly button.

From this, follows 17 years (and counting) of a certain group of men, most of whom are now over 30 and a few of whom are now fathers, so should know better, attempting to palpate the navel of any lady with whom we might be in conversation, and, upon success, saying "Ha! I've gotten you pregnant now"

Importantly, none of these men have admitted to tempting fate by playing this game with any lady into whose quim he has inserted his member. However, three of us have confessed a feeling of dread, having inadvertently made digital-navel contact during otherwise protected coitus, that tiny feet may follow.
(Sat 27th Sep 2008, 2:32, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Unconsenting Race
Often, when walking along the street, in order to keep the pace up, I pick a person some distance ahead of me, and a landmark some distance ahead of them and try to beat them to it - e.g. "Reach the sixth lamppost before the bloke in the grey suit." Sometimes, the people I overtake pick up the pace and seemingly try to race me to the next landmark they notice.

Sometimes, they notice before I reach them, and pick up the pace to beat me to my chosen landmark.

This is not the right game to play in the middle of the night, when the only other person on the street is a small blonde woman. Initially, I thought she was racing me, as she was going at quite a lick. It was only when she stopped dead as I was about to overtake, that I realised that I had probably scared the shit out of her.
(Wed 23rd Aug 2006, 16:28, More)

» Pet Peeves

Childbirth
Specifically, Women who consider childbirth the alpha and the omega of pain, and that a man, such as RPW, here, can't possibly understand pain in any way. My mother was one such woman, until I was about 18, and the severity of my condition was realised.

An ailment from which I suffer, occurs in 5 times as many men as women, and those female sufferers who have had children describe the pain of natural, anaesthetic-free childbirth as a walk in the park by comparison.

As well as the severity of this pain, here are other important comparisons:

(a) You chose your pain, despite plenty of warning that it will hurt a lot.

(b) Many of you even had to try quite hard to get yourselves in the appropriate state to experience this pain.

(c) Your pain happens maximally, for about a day about once every 10 months. After experiencing the first one, you can choose whether and when to suffer it again. My pain occurs in 3-4 weeks stints at least three times per year, every single year, from its onset when I was 14 until I eventually die (if I'm lucky, that is - 10% of us go on to develop the chronic version, where we have the joy of about 3 pain-free weeks per year). I understand that childbearing also has its discomforts, but I don't hear anyone describing the rest of the 9 months as agony.

(d) Your pain is easily relieved by happy-gas, and there are several pain-killing options readily and immediately available to you if that doesn't do the trick. There is no readily available relief for my pain, and the prophylactics all have dangerous side-effects, not just the tiny increase of a risk of cancer that some of the prophylactics for your condition have. You also have a choice of adverse-effect-free prophylaxis.

(e) The outward manifestation of your condition, causes people to coo, and generally fuss over you in a nice way. Mine makes me look like I have mental problems.

(f) You suffer some discomfort, and restless nights in the lead-up to you suffering this pain. For the 3-4 weeks when I'm suffering, I am awoken by the agony normally 3 times per night, and typically won't start sleeping until the last "daytime" pain goes away at about midnight.

(g) After your little bout of pain, you have a nice little trophy in the form of a baby. My prize is that I get to live like a normal person for 3 or 4 months, and then it starts again.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 17:32, More)

» I just don't get it

sp
People who add "(sp?)" after words they know they can't spell when posting on a forum.

There is nothing wrong with the odd typo or spelling mistake, but these people are announcing to the world "Even though I am aware of a shortfall in my knowledge of orthography, I am too lazy and/or retarded to do anything about it".

Google, other online tools, and a host of desktop applications are capable of making suggestions for a misspelt word. [CTRL-C CTRL-V ALT-TAB Enter] is 4 keystrokes, (sp?) is 5. wnakers(sp?)!
(Fri 1st Apr 2005, 16:35, More)
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