» I'm going to Hell...

A friend of mine
No really, a friend of mine (We'll call him Matt for that is his name), used to sell a lot of weed at school. On one occassion, a kid he sold it to took umbrage at the quantity/quality of the narcotics and decided the best course of action was to inform the head teacher of what was going on. Matt was duly summoned to the head's office and seeing the other kid sat outside, immediately twigged what was going on and damn near shat himself, painfully aware of the half ounce of grass he had in his rucksack.

The two sat outside the office for a while, exchanging frosty looks until the other kid was called in, to give his version of events before Matt had to face the music. Matt noticed that the other kid had left his bag behind and did the only sensible thing, transferred his stash from his own bag to the other guy's.

The other kid came out, Matt went in and was duly told to empty his bag. With his best look of innocence on his face, Matt emptied the contents of his bag and asked politely why he had been called in, there being very little of anything in there and certainly no drugs. The head told him he'd been accused of selling drugs to which Matt replied that the other kid had it in for him and was making up stories and in fact it was the other guy who was the drug dealer. The kid was called in, searched and found to have a large quantity of drugs in bag.

Matt was exonerated and lost about £30 worth of weed. The other kid was suspended and given the proximity to the GCSE's, missed rather a lot of important learning time and failed most of them as a result, thereby ending any aspirations he might once have had about going to college and uni thereafter. By all accounts he's now a Tesco lifer...

I've done some pretty horrible things in my time but essentially fucking up someone's entire life to avoid getting in trouble yourself takes some beating in my book.
(Tue 16th Dec 2008, 13:42, More)

» Toilets

I'm from Lewes...
...and in 26 years I've never found any porn in the public toilets.

I spent one summer working in the kitchens at the Glyndebourne opera house (As pretty much everyone round here does). Going to the toilet was always a nervous affair as more often than not as you were sitting there either a bucket of iced water would come over the door or a rook scarer (Proper bangers, none of that French shit) would come under the door. If you very unlucky, both.

One day the head chef decides to teach one particularly irksome kp a lesson. Said kp goes into the toilets for a shit and the chef follows him, along with about five of us going to watch. The chef pulls out not a rookie but a thunderflash, the kind of banger the army use to blind enemy soldiers in trenches apparently.

The fuse is lit and the banger rolled under the door which flys open as the kp bolts from the cubicle, trousers round his ankles and a turd half pinched out of his derrick.

It was more of a boom than a bang and bits of porcelain exploded across the toilet as the bowl was wiped out.

Suffice to say that was the last time military explosives were used for practical jokes at Glyndebourne.
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 14:53, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

After the sixth ball was bowled
I knew it was over.
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 11:41, More)

» Evil Pranks

The day I finished school...
...many, many years ago, we had all been told the day before that if anyone set off the fire alarms they wouldn't get their GCSE results. As such, everyone came up with all manner of other vindictive little pranks instead.

Me and a mate emptied a couple of tins of tuna above some ceiling tiles in our form room but the greatest prank, possibly ever in the history of our school was one bright spark who turned up with a screwdriver and spent most of the day swapping round the numbers on all the classroom doors.

Obviously when you've been in the building for years as most of the teachers had, you don't look at the numbers on the doors, you just know where they are. The new first years who arrived the following September however, by which time nobody had yet noticed all the signs were wrong, apparently had a devil of a time getting to their lessons for a couple of days before anyone realised what had happened.

Genius...
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 16:00, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Well not so much drunk as...
...on a horrendous acid comedown. I should have learned not to go shopping after doing acid when a mate of mine tried popping out for a loaf of bread and some milk and came back with a PS2 but I learned not.

The tape player in my car was fucked so I went to Halfords to get a cheap cd player. What I ended up with was a really expensive cd player, an amp, a fuck off massive sub, some silly, loud speakers and a glowing pink light sat on my dashboard.

Since then I've bought a Stone Island jacket and started appreciating Speed Garage music.

Shopping on acid makes you a chav.
(Tue 14th Jun 2005, 8:59, More)