» Secret Santa

One Christmas day...
I bought the girl I loved a bird and a tree, then she dumped me the very next day, so in revenge I followed up by buying all sorts of nonsense presents including swans, milkmaids and lords. She went loopy.
(Sat 16th Dec 2006, 13:05, More)

» Food sabotage

An autobiographical tale, or Pwned - whichever, I suffer.
I'd like to introduce you to my missus. I've spoken about her on here before. In my eyes she's legendary, having an arse that is fouler than Satan's breath and more productive than a whole series of Japanese automotive plants.

So I guess I should have known I would have been in for hell this morning whilst cooking up a spicy molé last night with chipotle, jalapenos, chili flakes and fresh chili, topped off with an astringent salsa and refried beans. And I wasn't attempting to sabotage her particularly - I just like to make a tasty stew and her guffery is just, normally, an unfortunate side effect.

Well, the hell started last night and I was treated to a series of under-duvet eruptions that smelt simultaneously fruity, but off - like a decomposing badger who'd dined on asafoetida and eggs.

Anyway, enough of all this extrapolation, to the meat of the story. I've just woken her up with a cup of tea and our little 'un aged 3 giving her a cheery good morning as well.

And me and the lad came back down the stairs - I've even put the bacon on - and I saw her rushing for the loo...

A slight smile playing on her lips.

She's been up there some time, still is, and she's called for a copy of her professional magazine to bide her time...

But I know her game...

She's brewed up a treat for me in there and there's no way I'm going up to find my throat being contracted and my nostril hairs singed.

So I sent up the little lad with the book, to act as a canary.

He hasn't come back down yet...

EDIT: Shit, typing this, I've just burnt the toast. What a berk.
(Sun 21st Sep 2008, 9:08, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Rollocks
Hi, I'm Rob Manuel and my computer has just given away a list containing the email addresses of tens of dozens of subscribers to the B3TA newsletter.

Help?
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 19:38, More)

» Going Too Far

A very nice man
I used to work with a really nice bloke, I mean, really nice.

We were, as blokes, discussing losing our virginities. Now that's natural. Mine was embarrasing. His, well...

He was 15, at his girlfriend's house. Her parents out for the night, and as such free licence. However, as a nice bloke, it had taken a fair while to reach the stage of nudity and no-return.

And her Dad came back in.

And when the nice bloke recounted this to me, I was obviously impressed, 15 years old and 'active'... And the 'rental was moderately nice about the whole situation, white leather couch and 'all. However...

I said that if I caught him in such a compromising situation with my daughter, I'd kill him... Cutting off his diseased testes and would culminate with shooting him quite dead.

The poor, nice lad looked horrified and said 'crikey, why?'

I told him my daughter was four years old.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 7:10, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Went out with a lass
The 'rentals had a lovely house in the sticks, with a wing for each child (x2) and an Aga in the kitchen.

The pool wasn't heated, but I think they've sold up now.

When she got a Rover for her 18th birthday she went ballistic because she wanted a Golf GTI.

It's all right 'cos I shagged her up her shit-hole.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 22:36, More)