» Public Sex

The coke bottle
Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with just about any female willing to try it (little did I know that it wouldn't happen for several years to come), I somehow befriended someone who would later become one of my better male friends in School.

His name was Ryan. Before you get excited, no I did not bum him, nor did he bum me and, sadly, this part of the story more revolves around him than me.

Anyhoo, being at an all-boys school certainly wasn't helping my heterosexual case at all, but little did I know that Ryan was, in fact, gay. I had no problem with this, he had always been a good friend to me in a strictly friends-only sense and in fact I was a little bit intrigued. I'd never met a gay person before, despite Ulster apparently being the gay capital of the world (if that statistic includes lesbians, it sure as hell explains a lot on my end, but I digress...).

The day Ryan came out to me was an interesting one. He didn't confess his love to me or anything, I just had a damn good intuitive sense about things. For instance, being young boys we would naturally imply that the other loved the cock. One day, as per normal, I said something like "Ahh Ryan you big Gay, you love the cock". Naturally, he responded "No I don't!", for fear of being assaulted by any of the Chavvy types that might be listening nearby. I then replied with "sure you do, I bet you had a lovely big cock right up your arse last night and everything", to which he replied "...n...no!".

What was that?
A pause?!?

"Wait a second!"
"w...wha-?"
"y..you....you did! You really did!".
My voice quickly died down, yet there was clear exclamation.

I had always suspected Ryan was a bit gay, that was half the reason I teased him about it, but he always denied it. Until now.

"You're gay, aren't you? Just admit it!"
"...ok....yeah...but don't tell anyone"

Ryan was gay. Suddenly the world made a lot of sense, for the brief few seconds before he made his next comment:

"I lost my virginity last night"

At this point, I'm still in a little bit of shock at Ryan finally coming out, then he lands that bombshell. I'm all for equality, but I didn't really need to know that. I think my brain was still processing it.

"We did it in the hedge just outside 'spoons"

Ahh the local drinking establishment. Low-brow enough to serve those who are barely 16, let alone 18. Suddenly things start to make sense.

Ryan then proceeded to go into quite graphic detail about how he got bummed in this hedge for the first time. My fragile brain was beginning to crumble under the pressure.

Amidst Ryan's descriptions, he added "...I had so much fun, I dropped my bottle of coke!".

That was the end of his story and now I had some of the best graphic imagery of one of my best mates getting bummed for the first time. Fan. Tastic.

Skip forward about a week and suddenly, my ship had come in. One of the local, not-quite-so-posh girls got drunk enough to kiss me. With Tongue. Woo-hoo!
Next came actual gropage. I could have came right there and then and still been brimming with joy, but I didn't expect her to do that thing where they wink at you with her tongue sticking out. I knew what this COULD mean, but while I was busy processing it, she was already tugging at my arm.
She drags me off away from the other people who were out having a drink and a spliff that night, around the corner.
Soon enough, we reach a hedge that she pulls me into. She pushes me onto my back and that's when it REALLY starts to get heated. This was it. This was my big moment. Mr Wrigly and I were about to set sail, I was about to become a man. And she was pretty hot, as well. I didn't care that she was a bit skanky, I didn't care that she was quite drunk and I was completely sober, I wanted this, I wanted this so bad. I did care, however, that something was sticking into my back.

"Hold on a second, love" (Because in Belfast City, everyone is either "mate" or "love").

I reach under and pull something out. It was a half empty Coke-bottle.
I immediately realised where I was. I was in the bushes outside wetherspoon's. I was holding the bottle of Coke Ryan lost. I was in the exact same spot he lost his Anal virginity.

And that's when the images came. They were graphic enough without knowing the scenery, now I knew the layout, how hidden it was, what you could see. I was probably looking at the exact same telegraph poll he was when he was on his back (Yes, apparently gay people can do it like that as well, you just have to raise their legs a...nevermind). I could even see what looked like hand prints in the dirt. Hand prints. Pretty dug in, too. He must have been ridden pretty hard.

Hard. I remember that feeling. That feeling that disappeared the second I realised what the object poking into my back was. I wasn't the only person to be "Poked in the back" in those hedges.

Fuck.

Mr Wrigly had gone home for the night, cowering away in fear at the nasty thoughts going through my head. It didn't take long for "the one" to get bored and hop off to go look for a "real man" who could "get it up".
My chance. Gone.
All because of a Gay boy called Ryan. Who incidentally became a complete whore and figured since I was the only one who knew about him, that he could tell me everything. EVERYTHING.

I wouldn't lose my virginity for 2 more years later.

Fuck.


P.S. Sorry about the length, but Ryan thought the girth was fantastic.
(Fri 24th Apr 2009, 22:48, More)

» Sacked

I should have got sacked....
I used to work as a security guard, mainly on building sites.
Best place I ever got to guard was a printing press for the Irish news.
That is, it was the best when I found out they had computers installed and running on what was, at the time, a stupidly large connection.
They were just sitting there, not being used, how could I resist?

With nobody else around, I would use the computer to do whatever the hell I wanted. I downloaded porn, films, played counterstrike, you name it. Hell, I even stuck on an FTP and used it to host all kinds of crazy shit.

One day they figured out that something was wrong, they checked all of the computers and found all of the stuff I had downloaded and installed.
Luckily for me, I wasn't on Duty. But another guard, a Russian named Constantine who could barely even use the radio, let alone use a computer, was on duty and because he happened to be on duty when they found the stuff, he got the full blame. And the sack. And taken to court. And eventually deported back to Russia.

I'm going straight to hell.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 17:25, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Unexplainable?
About 3 years ago, I lost my virginity.



....That's about it.
(Tue 8th Jul 2008, 18:15, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Never let anyone use your computer..
Being the techie guy that I am, I have a PC and a laptop running in my little room in my halls.
It's rather handy, when friends come over I can quite happily sit at my big, beefy PC while they can use the lappy for their own internet pleasures.
Or so you'd think.
The problem is, all sorts of people use my laptop and not one of them ever botheres clearing the cache.

It never occured to me that this might be a problem until one group of friends found out that they could see the laptops entire search history.

Items such as "how to female ejaculate" and "hard core gay porn" were there, of course, but the most interesting one which I cannot explain is "Hello Kitty porn". I don't even think I want to know.....
(Sat 11th Feb 2006, 7:59, More)

» IT Support

It basically went downhill from here...
"Ok, Open My computer"

"................YOUR computer?"
(Sat 26th Sep 2009, 16:23, More)