» Public Sex

The coke bottle
Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with just about any female willing to try it (little did I know that it wouldn't happen for several years to come), I somehow befriended someone who would later become one of my better male friends in School.

His name was Ryan. Before you get excited, no I did not bum him, nor did he bum me and, sadly, this part of the story more revolves around him than me.

Anyhoo, being at an all-boys school certainly wasn't helping my heterosexual case at all, but little did I know that Ryan was, in fact, gay. I had no problem with this, he had always been a good friend to me in a strictly friends-only sense and in fact I was a little bit intrigued. I'd never met a gay person before, despite Ulster apparently being the gay capital of the world (if that statistic includes lesbians, it sure as hell explains a lot on my end, but I digress...).

The day Ryan came out to me was an interesting one. He didn't confess his love to me or anything, I just had a damn good intuitive sense about things. For instance, being young boys we would naturally imply that the other loved the cock. One day, as per normal, I said something like "Ahh Ryan you big Gay, you love the cock". Naturally, he responded "No I don't!", for fear of being assaulted by any of the Chavvy types that might be listening nearby. I then replied with "sure you do, I bet you had a lovely big cock right up your arse last night and everything", to which he replied "...n...no!".

What was that?
A pause?!?

"Wait a second!"
"w...wha-?"
"y..you....you did! You really did!".
My voice quickly died down, yet there was clear exclamation.

I had always suspected Ryan was a bit gay, that was half the reason I teased him about it, but he always denied it. Until now.

"You're gay, aren't you? Just admit it!"
"...ok....yeah...but don't tell anyone"

Ryan was gay. Suddenly the world made a lot of sense, for the brief few seconds before he made his next comment:

"I lost my virginity last night"

At this point, I'm still in a little bit of shock at Ryan finally coming out, then he lands that bombshell. I'm all for equality, but I didn't really need to know that. I think my brain was still processing it.

"We did it in the hedge just outside 'spoons"

Ahh the local drinking establishment. Low-brow enough to serve those who are barely 16, let alone 18. Suddenly things start to make sense.

Ryan then proceeded to go into quite graphic detail about how he got bummed in this hedge for the first time. My fragile brain was beginning to crumble under the pressure.

Amidst Ryan's descriptions, he added "...I had so much fun, I dropped my bottle of coke!".

That was the end of his story and now I had some of the best graphic imagery of one of my best mates getting bummed for the first time. Fan. Tastic.

Skip forward about a week and suddenly, my ship had come in. One of the local, not-quite-so-posh girls got drunk enough to kiss me. With Tongue. Woo-hoo!
Next came actual gropage. I could have came right there and then and still been brimming with joy, but I didn't expect her to do that thing where they wink at you with her tongue sticking out. I knew what this COULD mean, but while I was busy processing it, she was already tugging at my arm.
She drags me off away from the other people who were out having a drink and a spliff that night, around the corner.
Soon enough, we reach a hedge that she pulls me into. She pushes me onto my back and that's when it REALLY starts to get heated. This was it. This was my big moment. Mr Wrigly and I were about to set sail, I was about to become a man. And she was pretty hot, as well. I didn't care that she was a bit skanky, I didn't care that she was quite drunk and I was completely sober, I wanted this, I wanted this so bad. I did care, however, that something was sticking into my back.

"Hold on a second, love" (Because in Belfast City, everyone is either "mate" or "love").

I reach under and pull something out. It was a half empty Coke-bottle.
I immediately realised where I was. I was in the bushes outside wetherspoon's. I was holding the bottle of Coke Ryan lost. I was in the exact same spot he lost his Anal virginity.

And that's when the images came. They were graphic enough without knowing the scenery, now I knew the layout, how hidden it was, what you could see. I was probably looking at the exact same telegraph poll he was when he was on his back (Yes, apparently gay people can do it like that as well, you just have to raise their legs a...nevermind). I could even see what looked like hand prints in the dirt. Hand prints. Pretty dug in, too. He must have been ridden pretty hard.

Hard. I remember that feeling. That feeling that disappeared the second I realised what the object poking into my back was. I wasn't the only person to be "Poked in the back" in those hedges.

Fuck.

Mr Wrigly had gone home for the night, cowering away in fear at the nasty thoughts going through my head. It didn't take long for "the one" to get bored and hop off to go look for a "real man" who could "get it up".
My chance. Gone.
All because of a Gay boy called Ryan. Who incidentally became a complete whore and figured since I was the only one who knew about him, that he could tell me everything. EVERYTHING.

I wouldn't lose my virginity for 2 more years later.

Fuck.


P.S. Sorry about the length, but Ryan thought the girth was fantastic.
(Fri 24th Apr 2009, 22:48, More)

» The Great Outdoors

Bit of a pearoast, but people enjoyed it before...
Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with just about any female willing to try it (little did I know that it wouldn't happen for several years to come), I somehow befriended someone who would later become one of my better male friends in School.

His name was Ryan. Before you get excited, no I did not bum him, nor did he bum me and, sadly, this part of the story more revolves around him than me.

Anyhoo, being at an all-boys school certainly wasn't helping my heterosexual case at all, but little did I know that Ryan was, in fact, gay. I had no problem with this, he had always been a good friend to me in a strictly friends-only sense and in fact I was a little bit intrigued. I'd never met a gay person before, despite Ulster apparently being the gay capital of the world (if that statistic includes lesbians, it sure as hell explains a lot on my end, but I digress...).

The day Ryan came out to me was an interesting one. He didn't confess his love to me or anything, I just had a damn good intuitive sense about things. For instance, being young boys we would naturally imply that the other loved the cock. One day, as per normal, I said something like "Ahh Ryan you big Gay, you love the cock". Naturally, he responded "No I don't!", for fear of being assaulted by any of the Chavvy types that might be listening nearby. I then replied with "sure you do, I bet you had a lovely big cock right up your arse last night and everything", to which he replied "...n...no!".

What was that?
A pause?!?

"Wait a second!"
"w...wha-?"
"y..you....you did! You really did!".
My voice quickly died down, yet there was clear exclamation.

I had always suspected Ryan was a bit gay, that was half the reason I teased him about it, but he always denied it. Until now.

"You're gay, aren't you? Just admit it!"
"...ok....yeah...but don't tell anyone"

Ryan was gay. Suddenly the world made a lot of sense, for the brief few seconds before he made his next comment:

"I lost my virginity last night"

At this point, I'm still in a little bit of shock at Ryan finally coming out, then he lands that bombshell. I'm all for equality, but I didn't really need to know that. I think my brain was still processing it.

"We did it in the hedge just outside 'spoons"

Ahh the local drinking establishment. Low-brow enough to serve those who are barely 16, let alone 18. Suddenly things start to make sense.

Ryan then proceeded to go into quite graphic detail about how he got bummed in this hedge for the first time. My fragile brain was beginning to crumble under the pressure.

Amidst Ryan's descriptions, he added "...I had so much fun, I dropped my bottle of coke!".

That was the end of his story and now I had some of the best graphic imagery of one of my best mates getting bummed for the first time. Fan. Tastic.

Skip forward about a week and suddenly, my ship had come in. One of the local, not-quite-so-posh girls got drunk enough to kiss me. With Tongue. Woo-hoo!
Next came actual gropage. I could have came right there and then and still been brimming with joy, but I didn't expect her to do that thing where they wink at you with her tongue sticking out. I knew what this COULD mean, but while I was busy processing it, she was already tugging at my arm.
She drags me off away from the other people who were out having a drink and a spliff that night, around the corner.
Soon enough, we reach a hedge that she pulls me into. She pushes me onto my back and that's when it REALLY starts to get heated. This was it. This was my big moment. Mr Wrigly and I were about to set sail, I was about to become a man. And she was pretty hot, as well. I didn't care that she was a bit skanky, I didn't care that she was quite drunk and I was completely sober, I wanted this, I wanted this so bad. I did care, however, that something was sticking into my back.

"Hold on a second, love" (Because in Belfast City, everyone is either "mate" or "love").

I reach under and pull something out. It was a half empty Coke-bottle.
I immediately realised where I was. I was in the bushes outside wetherspoon's. I was holding the bottle of Coke Ryan lost. I was in the exact same spot he lost his Anal virginity.

And that's when the images came. They were graphic enough without knowing the scenery, now I knew the layout, how hidden it was, what you could see. I was probably looking at the exact same telegraph poll he was when he was on his back (Yes, apparently gay people can do it like that as well, you just have to raise their legs a...nevermind). I could even see what looked like hand prints in the dirt. Hand prints. Pretty dug in, too. He must have been ridden pretty hard.

Hard. I remember that feeling. That feeling that disappeared the second I realised what the object poking into my back was. I wasn't the only person to be "Poked in the back" in those hedges.

Fuck.

Mr Wrigly had gone home for the night, cowering away in fear at the nasty thoughts going through my head. It didn't take long for "the one" to get bored and hop off to go look for a "real man" who could "get it up".
My chance. Gone.
All because of a Gay boy called Ryan. Who incidentally became a complete whore and figured since I was the only one who knew about him, that he could tell me everything. EVERYTHING.

I wouldn't lose my virginity for 2 more years later.

Fuck.


P.S. Sorry about the length, but Ryan thought the girth was fantastic.
(Fri 30th Mar 2012, 13:48, More)

» Overheard secrets

Kind of uttering something other people weren't meant to hear...
This is a slightly tenuous link to the question, but since it happened a couple of weeks ago, I just had to tell someone.

I was walking through town one day and got to a set of traffic lights. While I was waiting for the light to turn green and signal my advance, I noticed that to the right of me was a lovely young family. There was a mum, a dad, a baby in a pram and a little kid that couldn't have been more than 3 or 4.

The little kid was holding onto his dad's hand (or rather, a couple of his fingers), like a good boy does, but with his free hand started to pat his dad's stomach, saying (in what you can imagine is a cute 4-year-old's voice) "heee, you've got a big fat belly!".
It was amusing, it made me smirk somewhat, but clearly the dad wasn't amused. He turned around, looked down at his Son, paused for a brief second and retorted with "...You're a twat!".
(Fri 26th Aug 2011, 14:37, More)

» Messing with people's heads

The Standby Burgler
This is going back a while, when I used to do Tech Support for a national ISP. I won't bore you with the "types" of customers you get calling in and merely tell you that a good 90% of them are out and out idiots, but most of them are aware of this, are polite about it and will happily listen when you tell them how they broke something themselves. There are, however, a few that are still complete idiots, but couldn't possibly admit to having done anything wrong.

One day, a man phoned in complaining that his connection had dropped AGAIN. "This happens every month!" he exclaimed down the phone to me. Of course, I have the full history of his account in front of me and I can clearly see that he's only phoned in once in the last 6 months to pay a missed bill. Nevertheless, I diagnosed the problem - his modem was on standby.

Now as stupid as that sounds, it was actually quite a common problem. The Modem in question was coloured black. There was a button on top of it that would put it into standby mode - this button was also jet black, so it blended in seamlessly. Even more annoying, the Modem "remembered" that it was in standby, so if you unplugged it and plugged it back in, it would go straight back into standby. It was incredibly easy (And common) for people to accidentally hit this button while tidying up, or rummaging around behind the PC or whatever, then mysteriously loose all internet access. Most people didn't even know the button existed.

I explained this to the gentleman. It normally gives the customer and I both something to laugh about, we then usually agree on how "stupid" a design it is and the customer goes away happy because it was such a simple thing to fix.

But not this time. "Ohh no, that couldn't possibly have happened", he retorts. "The modem isn't in a position where that could EVER happen". I tried to plead with the gentleman, if it wasn't him accidentally doing it, then it could have easily been someone else - the wife, a wayward child, even the family cat. Alas, it was not to be - "No! I wouldn't do something so stupid! It wouldn't have happened, the problem is from YOUR end!". Eventually, I gave up trying to reason with him - he clearly couldn't have made a really simple mistake, so I had to try a different tactic.

I say "Now hold on, where did you say you lived? Was it *checks customer's account to see exactly where he lives* Leeds?". "Yes, that's right" he replies.
"Ohh, well we have had a couple of people report being broken into and having their electronic devices put into standby"
"What?!"
"Yes, there appears to be an individual breaking into people's houses and putting their equipment into standby. He doesn't seem to take anything, but they still call him the standby burgler"
"Oh my God, do you think he's been in my house?!"
"Well now I couldn't say for sure, but it would explain the Modem going into standby all by itself...".
"I can't believe I've been broken into! I'd best call the police!"

And with that, the man hung up. I never heard from him again, so I can only presume that the police laughed at him so hard, he decided never to pretend to not be stupid ever again.
(Thu 12th Jan 2012, 15:35, More)

» Sacked

I should have got sacked....
I used to work as a security guard, mainly on building sites.
Best place I ever got to guard was a printing press for the Irish news.
That is, it was the best when I found out they had computers installed and running on what was, at the time, a stupidly large connection.
They were just sitting there, not being used, how could I resist?

With nobody else around, I would use the computer to do whatever the hell I wanted. I downloaded porn, films, played counterstrike, you name it. Hell, I even stuck on an FTP and used it to host all kinds of crazy shit.

One day they figured out that something was wrong, they checked all of the computers and found all of the stuff I had downloaded and installed.
Luckily for me, I wasn't on Duty. But another guard, a Russian named Constantine who could barely even use the radio, let alone use a computer, was on duty and because he happened to be on duty when they found the stuff, he got the full blame. And the sack. And taken to court. And eventually deported back to Russia.

I'm going straight to hell.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 17:25, More)