» Teenage Parties

Poor Sod
Greg's parties were always eventful - someone crying, someone having sex with someone they shouldn't, and copious amounts of drink.

It was new year, I was about 16, and we'd started off on the Stella before gradually moving to the vodka and Bacardi (all provided my Greg's kind parents). My boyfriend of the time wasn't a much of a drinker, but decided to let rip and consume loads, seemingly unaware of how many people he groped, dribbled on and talked utter shit to. It came to countdown time,and we were all so carried away we forgot about the poor sod until 3, 2, 1, Bleeeeeerrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!! With excellent timing, he threw up right on the bongs of big ben. Someone prodded me and said "Eerrr, I think you'd better see to your boyfriend, he's not well." I look over to see him leaning over a huge, steaming pile of extremely sour-smelling vom. Even in his drunken state, he had thoughtfully managed to aim the sick in an empty pizza box on the floor.

We folded it up, and ran over to the park at the end of Greg's estate in order to chuck it over the fence into the canal. I lobbed it too far, and out of the darkness came a manly shriek of horror, followed by an 'Oh my Goooodddd!!!"

We legged it, wondering if ever there could be a worse start to the year than being attacked by flying vomit.
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 22:17, More)

» When I met the parents

Oh Dear
First time I met a boyfriend's parents, I was a bit nervous and so had a few 'snifters' of vodka to calm me down. We'd gone for dinner, and when I get nervous I have no appetite, so I thought the vodka would make me eat and stop me appearing rude. Yeah right.

Unfortunately, by the time I got there I'd lost all sense of myself and had somehow lost the ability to use cutlery. The main course was a pretty tough piece of pork, and no matter what I did I couldn't cut the bastard thing. I tried desperately to pull it apart with my knife and fork, when the knife slipped away, the fork sprang back, and I got a face and a lap full of pork and gravy. Cue amazed/shocked/disgusted stares from every side of the table. Then I threw up, all over myself, my plate, and the table.

Relationship didn't last much longer. But you guessed that, didn't you.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 12:43, More)

» Weird Traditions

Not funny
Every Sunday lunch, ever since I was about seven or something, my dad always tries to hide a sprig of mint from the garden in my dinner. He tries to find ingenius ways of hiding it, like piling the meat on top of it so I 'don't know it's there.' He then spends the duration of the dinner looking at me and chuckling to himself, the chuckles getting louder and louder when I go near the hiding place, until finally bursting out into fits of laughter when I discover said treat. It's been over ten years and he's still doing it, and it's still not funny now. My dad's a bit mad.
(Sat 30th Jul 2005, 22:41, More)

» I just don't get it

What's the Joke?
When I was younger, my Dad bought me and my brother one of those joke books (1001 jokes for kids or summat). There was this one joke that I never understood, and still don't, and neither does my brother or anyone else I've told it too, and it still annoys the hell out of me to this day, 15 years later. It goes:

'It was getting near to Jimmy's birthday, so Mum asked him what he wanted most. 'A ping pong ball mom!' Mum was confused, and spoke to dad about it. The next day, Dad asked Jimmy what he wanted - 'A ping-pong ball dad!' Dad was similarly confused. The next day, they both asked him, and still the reply was 'A ping-pong ball please!' Each time they asked him what he wanted, Jimmy would always say 'A ping-pong ball!' On his birthday, Jimmy opened lots of presents, including a new bike, but looked dissapointed. Then, Mum and Dad handed him a box, which he opened, and exclaimed 'Wow! A ping-pong ball! Thanks!' He then rushed upstairs, extremely excited. After a few minutes, mum and dad crept upstairs to see why Jimmy was so excited. Dad peeked around Jimmy's door, and exclaimed 'Ah! So THATS what you wanted the ping pong ball for'

And that's it, thats the joke. What the hell! Where's the punchline!? Why did he want a ping-pong ball? What was he doing with it? Why is it so important! Is it just me being thick or what?
It is some kind of postmodernist joke, y'know, it's-funny-cos-there-is-no-punchline? Is it funny cos you never find out why he wanted the bastard ping pong ball and that's the joke? WHAT IS IT! And why has this bugged the crap out of me for 15 years!!!

To this day, I can't hear the words 'ping-pong ball' without wincing.
(Tue 5th Apr 2005, 15:29, More)

» Injured Siblings

Oooh Loads
Me and my big brother have had loads of fights, but I think the worst thing happened when we were 'playing' while we were little. The object of the game was that someone would lie on the end of the bed with their feet against the wall, forming a bridge. The other would then crawl under it. I was the bridge, bursting for the loo and having so much fun that I didn't want to go and spoil it. I tried to hold it in, but he crawled under me, reeaaallly slloowwwly until I couldn't hold it any more.

So yup, I pissed on his head.


Other occasions:

- When I was four he hit me in the head with a trowel - I still have the scar

- When he was 10 we were fighting and I bit a huge chunk out of his back

- When I was six I went through this stage of pulling his pants down in front of visitors, because it was really funny

- We played 'cardboard darts' which involved throwing my dad's darts into a cardboard box. He threw the darts, while I stood at the other end of the room holding up the box. He threw, the dart missed, and I had to go to hospital with a dart stuck in my hand, which was now pissing with blood

I luv my bruvva!
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 20:03, More)