» Fire!

Not a fire but it got very hot.
Whilst in halls at Uni one flatmate had a penchant for collecting/stealing strange objects.

Anyway he had acquired this pickled dog foetus in a jar which was pretty revolting.

Before we went out one night he placed it on a lampshade next to the bed of a girl we lived with, thinking it would be funny for her to roll in drunk, get into bed and be greeted by a deceased baby dog in a jar.

Problem was, the lampshade was on and while we were out it heated up ths jar to the point that it COOKED the foetus and then EXPLODED, covering the poor girls pillow with weird pickling juice and a shrivelled up tiny dog.

She wasn't best pleased.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 11:47, More)

» Shame

One or two things (winces inwardly)
1. I broke my friends nose at a party. We were doing that thing where you stand back to back, linking elbows and you lift the other person onto your back. I did this to her, I was drunk, I fell over, on top of her. I had her arms wrapped in mine so she landed on her face.... oh I remember the blood.

2. One halloween, I was about 16, had a drunken snog with a boy. We wandered off from this party, down the road and ended up falling into a hedge right outside a Church. (I think being halloween we were looking for ghosts or something.) It was pitch black but then! We are startled out of our drunken fumbling by bright car headlights. The next day at school, in my RELIGIOUS STUDIES class, my teacher, who is a VICAR comments that she saw an 'awful sight' last night, 2 teenagers having sex in a hedge. I don't know to this day if she saw my face...

3. I told a Tunisian man to fuck off, when I was on holiday there aged about 14. This is apparentely a VERY HUGE insult over there and he jabbed me with his index finger, in my mouth! He made my gum bleed! I did feel very shameful.

4. The worst comes last... I was at school at the time. One night doing homework in my bedroom, I must have had an open school book on the floor. I had my rag and was changing my panty pad (I told you this was bad!!) and I threw it on the floor of my bedroom. I was a bit of a skanky cow at the time. So I'm in school the next day and the time comes to take out our text books.... I'm sitting on the FRONT row of the classroom and put the book on my desk, lo and behold it opens to reveal a used panty pad for the whole world to see.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 11:43, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Poetry
On announcing our engagement my future MIL piped up with this little ditty:

"Change the name but not the letter
Marry for worse and not for better"

And as both our surnames start with W I can only assume she thinks we are doomed.

But then again she also believes that burying a steak in the back garden can cure a sore throat.
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 11:45, More)

» Crap meals out

Spidie Goodness
Had fish & chips the other day, unwrapped it to find a severed spider leg amongst my chips. I know it was a spider's because it was black, hairy and jointed. After sifting through to check the rest of the hairy beast wasn't lurking in my dinner I carried on. Its all extra protein, as my father would say.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:44, More)

» Teenage Parties

Ahh the parties of yesteryear
in my *ahem* younger years I have been known to vomit into my own lap after eating lots of tortillas and smoking a bong while in a room full of strangers I had just met that night, I considered them cool and was desperately trying to impress with my hardcore smoking abilities which backfired terribly...

Also at a school party, I broke my friends nose while trying to swing her over my head in a linky-elbows trick that was a total disaster.
At the same party a boy I fancied came up to me for a snog, opened his mouth and a crane fly flew out and into my face. And again at the same party, another guy force fed himself a load of stale bread then threw it up and fed it to his dog. And I then fell asleep in the dog basket.

Another time I actually saved the day when a friend decided to microwave a lightbulb at a party, thinking it would light up in some kind of scientific way. He accidentely programmed the timer onto 10 minutes not 10 seconds and I ended up dashing across the room using a plastic tray as a shield to unplug the thing which was sparking nastily. A lesson was learnt I'm sure.
(Wed 19th Apr 2006, 22:40, More)