Profile for dave likes cheese:
grumpy, cynical, loves cheddar.
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grumpy, cynical, loves cheddar.
Recent front page messages:
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Best answers to questions:
» Unexpected Nudity
Unexpected cock-slap to the face
I dont wear pants...Havent done for years.
I was helping my brother in law a while back with some DIY. we were fitting new plasterboard to a small bathrooms ceiling. I was crouching on a small scaffold, my B.I.L passed me the sheet of plasterboard and I held it in place. He prepared to climb up onto the scaffold next to me, and as it was a very small scaffold, had to get pretty close to do so. He was leaning in towards me preparing to hoist himself up when the crotch of my tracksuit trousers failed with a comedy ripping noise and my cock n balls, which had been squished up a bit due to my position, burst forth and slapped my brother in law firmly across the nose.
He hadnt been expecting that.
I laughed so hard I had to drop the board.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 21:23, More)
Unexpected cock-slap to the face
I dont wear pants...Havent done for years.
I was helping my brother in law a while back with some DIY. we were fitting new plasterboard to a small bathrooms ceiling. I was crouching on a small scaffold, my B.I.L passed me the sheet of plasterboard and I held it in place. He prepared to climb up onto the scaffold next to me, and as it was a very small scaffold, had to get pretty close to do so. He was leaning in towards me preparing to hoist himself up when the crotch of my tracksuit trousers failed with a comedy ripping noise and my cock n balls, which had been squished up a bit due to my position, burst forth and slapped my brother in law firmly across the nose.
He hadnt been expecting that.
I laughed so hard I had to drop the board.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 21:23, More)
» DIY disasters
locked in
Im converting the old barn opposite me into a house just now. I have got the upstairs floors in and recently put up all the partition walls and internal doors upstairs.
I had been sanding and treating the floorboards in the bedrooms. Its tedious stuff - sand, hoover up dust, apply varnish, wait for it to dry, sand, repeat for 3 more coats.... I just got on with it and let my mind wonder far and wide.
I was in one of the bedrooms merrily sanding away, and I came to the bit behind the door. I shoved the door shut and it snicked closed. In that millisecond of the echo fading away, I knew Id screwed up.
I have recently installed the doors.
I have not yet fitted the door handles.
I was confronted with a closed door with just a wee square hole where the handle would fit. No handle. No tools, nothing to force the mechanism. I was trapped in the room. The door opens in towards the interior of the room, and I had done a nice solid job of fitting the frame to the studding of the wall, so forcing it would require a big effort and would destroy the frame, door and probably a decent bit of the partition walls I had just fitted. It has lift-off visible hinges, but the door has to be open to lift it up.
ah.
The window.....
I live alone here and am quite isolated. Nearest neighbour is maybe 1/4 mile away and with the wind blowing, well outside shouting for help range. My dog was in the garden, but lacks Lassie-like skills in retreiving help. The road is access to my house and the neighbours only - no passing traffic to scream at.
damn.
The window... yes, it has a handle fitted and is big enough to fit through....
But im the equivelant of slightly over 1.5 storeys up and the ground below is rocky. Im no stuntman or paratrooper so dropping would have likely resulted in broken bones.
My van was parked maybe within leaping distance, but my chunky body landing on its flimsy wet roof from such a height would likely result in a badly dented van and broken bones.
"I need a rope" i thought. No rope present.
Inventory check....
electric sander with cable - hmmm possibly. Nope, too thin, too short.
broom. err?
me, fully clothed. now there is an idea -
Braced the broom handle diagonally across the window frame. Tied one sleeve of my fake AllBlacks rugby top to it and let the rest out the window. Hmmm not long enough. Trousers.... off came the shabby old shell-suit bottoms. One leg tied to the free sleeve and the other dropped. Hmm, that looks manageable.
I was commando under the trousers though, so am now sporting just a t-shirt and trainers. ssssssexy.
The isolation saved my dignity though. Only my dog was faced with the sight of my flabby, semi-naked self fearfully shuffling over a window ledge, turning round baring my hairy arse to the world and daintily decending the rope*
*Barely controlled slide.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 19:44, More)
locked in
Im converting the old barn opposite me into a house just now. I have got the upstairs floors in and recently put up all the partition walls and internal doors upstairs.
I had been sanding and treating the floorboards in the bedrooms. Its tedious stuff - sand, hoover up dust, apply varnish, wait for it to dry, sand, repeat for 3 more coats.... I just got on with it and let my mind wonder far and wide.
I was in one of the bedrooms merrily sanding away, and I came to the bit behind the door. I shoved the door shut and it snicked closed. In that millisecond of the echo fading away, I knew Id screwed up.
I have recently installed the doors.
I have not yet fitted the door handles.
I was confronted with a closed door with just a wee square hole where the handle would fit. No handle. No tools, nothing to force the mechanism. I was trapped in the room. The door opens in towards the interior of the room, and I had done a nice solid job of fitting the frame to the studding of the wall, so forcing it would require a big effort and would destroy the frame, door and probably a decent bit of the partition walls I had just fitted. It has lift-off visible hinges, but the door has to be open to lift it up.
ah.
The window.....
I live alone here and am quite isolated. Nearest neighbour is maybe 1/4 mile away and with the wind blowing, well outside shouting for help range. My dog was in the garden, but lacks Lassie-like skills in retreiving help. The road is access to my house and the neighbours only - no passing traffic to scream at.
damn.
The window... yes, it has a handle fitted and is big enough to fit through....
But im the equivelant of slightly over 1.5 storeys up and the ground below is rocky. Im no stuntman or paratrooper so dropping would have likely resulted in broken bones.
My van was parked maybe within leaping distance, but my chunky body landing on its flimsy wet roof from such a height would likely result in a badly dented van and broken bones.
"I need a rope" i thought. No rope present.
Inventory check....
electric sander with cable - hmmm possibly. Nope, too thin, too short.
broom. err?
me, fully clothed. now there is an idea -
Braced the broom handle diagonally across the window frame. Tied one sleeve of my fake AllBlacks rugby top to it and let the rest out the window. Hmmm not long enough. Trousers.... off came the shabby old shell-suit bottoms. One leg tied to the free sleeve and the other dropped. Hmm, that looks manageable.
I was commando under the trousers though, so am now sporting just a t-shirt and trainers. ssssssexy.
The isolation saved my dignity though. Only my dog was faced with the sight of my flabby, semi-naked self fearfully shuffling over a window ledge, turning round baring my hairy arse to the world and daintily decending the rope*
*Barely controlled slide.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 19:44, More)
» Stalked
clingy
Im being stalked by a dog. No, thats not derogatory, a proper dog with 4 legs and fur.
I found her living rough and starving near my sisters house. I went back and gave her some dog food, so she followed me home.
I never let her in the house, but she refused to leave, just sitting in the garden staring at me through the glass door.
She didnt move for 2 whole days, sleeping in the garden at night and spending all day looking through the door.
I gave her more food and water while she was there, but didnt let her in the house untill it started raining. She just sat there in the pouring rain, looking even more miserable. Im a sucker for animals so had to let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention was to feed her up a bit and find a new home for her.
Four months later, she isnt officially "my dog", but I am definately "her master" whether I want to be or not. She refuses to let me out of her sight, and when I put her outside she sits against the door shivering with anxiety untill either I let her in or go outside too.
Being in the same house isnt enough for her though, she has to be in the same room as me. Even going for a crap means having to leave the door open. If I close it, she leans against it and makes it rattle with her shivering untill i open it again.
I am currently away on business, so left her at my sisters house, where she had a very anxious day when I left, and seemingly she just spends all day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable sulk.
I like dogs, so having one is fine, and I guess Im stuck with her now, I just like to be able to choose my dog though, not the other way round!
Need to work on the separation anxiety issues though.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 9:25, More)
clingy
Im being stalked by a dog. No, thats not derogatory, a proper dog with 4 legs and fur.
I found her living rough and starving near my sisters house. I went back and gave her some dog food, so she followed me home.
I never let her in the house, but she refused to leave, just sitting in the garden staring at me through the glass door.
She didnt move for 2 whole days, sleeping in the garden at night and spending all day looking through the door.
I gave her more food and water while she was there, but didnt let her in the house untill it started raining. She just sat there in the pouring rain, looking even more miserable. Im a sucker for animals so had to let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention was to feed her up a bit and find a new home for her.
Four months later, she isnt officially "my dog", but I am definately "her master" whether I want to be or not. She refuses to let me out of her sight, and when I put her outside she sits against the door shivering with anxiety untill either I let her in or go outside too.
Being in the same house isnt enough for her though, she has to be in the same room as me. Even going for a crap means having to leave the door open. If I close it, she leans against it and makes it rattle with her shivering untill i open it again.
I am currently away on business, so left her at my sisters house, where she had a very anxious day when I left, and seemingly she just spends all day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable sulk.
I like dogs, so having one is fine, and I guess Im stuck with her now, I just like to be able to choose my dog though, not the other way round!
Need to work on the separation anxiety issues though.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 9:25, More)
» Vomit Pt2
It almost killed me.
Last summer, vommiting almost killed me. Looking back after the event, I reckon it was the rat poison that did it.
I often have rodents living in the roof-space of my house, so this particular day I was doing the usual routine of throwing poison about the loft. It comes in wee sachets containing a paste that smells like marzipan. Once finished, I put everything away, and must have been distracted by something else, as I cant recall washing my hands. A serious error.
I made a sandwich for lunch and went about the rest of the day. Later in the evening, I felt a bit of a headache coming on, but didnt think much of it - A shower and a good nights sleep would sort that out. I had the shower and went to bed.
I woke up very suddenly at about 3am with that "I need to shit RIGHT FUCKING NOW" feeling - I had been seconds away from fouling the bed, but managed to get up and run to the toilet in time. I sat and fired liquid into the bowl for a couple of splattery minutes.
Having the shits isnt the end of the world is it? I certainly wasnt worried, although I didnt remember eating anything dodgy. It was as I was wiping up that I got the stirring guts sensation that suggested puke was imminent too.
I was wondering what might have brought this on as I turned round and assumed the position - on hands and knees infront of the pan.
My stomach was churning and my guts started heaving - the vom was on its way, so I opened wide and prepared for it...........nothing came out. Dry heaves, perhaps? my guts were going through the motions alright, but nowt was rising.....then I felt movement, slow, almost slithering movement in my guts. I could feel the puke rising so hideously slowly through my tubes....my stomach was pumping like mad, but the puke was taking its sweet time coming up - it was a horrible sensation.
After a couple of minutes of this, the puke finally reached the home straight and I felt it rise slowly up my throat and into my mouth. I opened wide and expected the usual splatter with perhaps some coming out my nose too, but no....no. It was horrible. This THING came slowly out of my throat. It was a long, solid mass slowly being extruded out of my mouth. It drooped down towards the pan.
Aside from the horror at this fucking thing coming out of my mouth, I started having really serious difficulty breathing - I could only catch the odd tiny gasp of air as this stuff, the consistency of warm plastecine, flowed out from my throat.
I was gripping the rim of the bog and my feet were thrashing around as I wondered what the hell was going on...what was this stuff? why the hell wasnt it coming out like normal puke? why couldnt I breath properly?
And still it kept coming, until I had a solid mass dangling from my throat down to the surface of the water in the pan. What to do now? My stomach was still pumping madly and more and more stuff was oozing out. Ths went on for pehaps a couple of minutes although it felt like eternity. I decided to bite off the length that was dangling - the feeling of it on my teeth was horrible. It was quite firm, warm and sticky and it was still coming.
By then, my breath was coming in the odd wheezing, whistling gasp and I was fairly certain I was about to die - in perhaps a week or so, my sister would come round to the house and find me naked on the toilet floor with this monstrous stuff sticking out my throat - what a way to die.
I was shivering, shaking, crying and still gasping for breath, and onwards the puke extruded....I bit off another length, which dropped into the pan with a soft splash and still more came out...How long could this go on for? To my relief, a few more inches wormed their way out and dropped into the pan. It was over. I drew in massive, gasping lungfulls of air - overjoyed at still being alive, and found myself feeling....absolutely right as rain. No after-effects, no more heaving, I felt perfecly normal.
I brushed my teeth to get rid of the film that had stuck to them and went back to bed in a rather confused state. I slept fine and woke the next morning as normal, feeling great.
I dont really know what to make of it all. I assume I had traces of poison on my hands when I made lunch which caused this, but have no way of knowing for sure. Im bloody carefull with the stuff now as I really, REALLY dont want to go through that again.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 20:07, More)
It almost killed me.
Last summer, vommiting almost killed me. Looking back after the event, I reckon it was the rat poison that did it.
I often have rodents living in the roof-space of my house, so this particular day I was doing the usual routine of throwing poison about the loft. It comes in wee sachets containing a paste that smells like marzipan. Once finished, I put everything away, and must have been distracted by something else, as I cant recall washing my hands. A serious error.
I made a sandwich for lunch and went about the rest of the day. Later in the evening, I felt a bit of a headache coming on, but didnt think much of it - A shower and a good nights sleep would sort that out. I had the shower and went to bed.
I woke up very suddenly at about 3am with that "I need to shit RIGHT FUCKING NOW" feeling - I had been seconds away from fouling the bed, but managed to get up and run to the toilet in time. I sat and fired liquid into the bowl for a couple of splattery minutes.
Having the shits isnt the end of the world is it? I certainly wasnt worried, although I didnt remember eating anything dodgy. It was as I was wiping up that I got the stirring guts sensation that suggested puke was imminent too.
I was wondering what might have brought this on as I turned round and assumed the position - on hands and knees infront of the pan.
My stomach was churning and my guts started heaving - the vom was on its way, so I opened wide and prepared for it...........nothing came out. Dry heaves, perhaps? my guts were going through the motions alright, but nowt was rising.....then I felt movement, slow, almost slithering movement in my guts. I could feel the puke rising so hideously slowly through my tubes....my stomach was pumping like mad, but the puke was taking its sweet time coming up - it was a horrible sensation.
After a couple of minutes of this, the puke finally reached the home straight and I felt it rise slowly up my throat and into my mouth. I opened wide and expected the usual splatter with perhaps some coming out my nose too, but no....no. It was horrible. This THING came slowly out of my throat. It was a long, solid mass slowly being extruded out of my mouth. It drooped down towards the pan.
Aside from the horror at this fucking thing coming out of my mouth, I started having really serious difficulty breathing - I could only catch the odd tiny gasp of air as this stuff, the consistency of warm plastecine, flowed out from my throat.
I was gripping the rim of the bog and my feet were thrashing around as I wondered what the hell was going on...what was this stuff? why the hell wasnt it coming out like normal puke? why couldnt I breath properly?
And still it kept coming, until I had a solid mass dangling from my throat down to the surface of the water in the pan. What to do now? My stomach was still pumping madly and more and more stuff was oozing out. Ths went on for pehaps a couple of minutes although it felt like eternity. I decided to bite off the length that was dangling - the feeling of it on my teeth was horrible. It was quite firm, warm and sticky and it was still coming.
By then, my breath was coming in the odd wheezing, whistling gasp and I was fairly certain I was about to die - in perhaps a week or so, my sister would come round to the house and find me naked on the toilet floor with this monstrous stuff sticking out my throat - what a way to die.
I was shivering, shaking, crying and still gasping for breath, and onwards the puke extruded....I bit off another length, which dropped into the pan with a soft splash and still more came out...How long could this go on for? To my relief, a few more inches wormed their way out and dropped into the pan. It was over. I drew in massive, gasping lungfulls of air - overjoyed at still being alive, and found myself feeling....absolutely right as rain. No after-effects, no more heaving, I felt perfecly normal.
I brushed my teeth to get rid of the film that had stuck to them and went back to bed in a rather confused state. I slept fine and woke the next morning as normal, feeling great.
I dont really know what to make of it all. I assume I had traces of poison on my hands when I made lunch which caused this, but have no way of knowing for sure. Im bloody carefull with the stuff now as I really, REALLY dont want to go through that again.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 20:07, More)
