» Housemates from hell

Am i evil?
Take one house,
fill with poor stoner friends.

Wait till food starts to go missing (not very fcukin long!)

Make chocolate rice crispy treats, and tell everyone not to eat them on pain of death.

leave in fridge, near to affor mentioned pot smokers.

neglete to inform friends that said rice crispy treats were made with a heroic dose of ex-lax chocolate.


wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
roll on floor laughing then accuse person(s) who cannot stray from toilet for more than 20 minutes. (if your kind/weak you'd make sure their was plenty of TP in stock, alas - I'm evil)

Reading this through I think I've just made a case for myself as the housemate from hell...

still, worth a giggle.
(Wed 11th Apr 2007, 23:55, More)

» Terrible Parenting

lies / subterfuge
As a child (all through primary school), I could never understand why i kept being sent to "play" with a lad called Simon that i REALLY didn't like.
Simon was an only child - spoilt, arrogant and generally a twat. (plus his mother couldn't cook for shite - malt viniger on salad!?!)

looking back on it now, seems it was always my dad's idea to go round there. (cue suspicion)

Turns out, that the dirty fucker had been having an affair with said mother of Simon (lets call her Denise - for that is her name)
and against all sense of decency, put me smack bang in the middle of it. (apparently my mum knew about the affair, but was told it had ended BEFORE i started school!)

what a bastard eh?

but wait, it gets better/worse...

**Denise is pregnant**
Turns out she has a husband who, for some reason he was never there when we would visit... (i wonder why)
(cue more suspicion - do i now have a half brother???)

Roll forward 15/20 years. Unaware of any suspicion, my dad still (unprompted) mentions Denise and Simon occationally. It's quite funny really, the sad fucker is using her name as a password for his e-mail...

I don't hate him for having an affair,
I do for the way he used me as a decoy.

/end of therapy sesion.
(Tue 21st Aug 2007, 0:12, More)

» We have to talk

Slightly different wording

but amusing enough, nonetheless.

Was out with the other half a couple of days ago and suddenly, out of the blue, a question pops into my head. I turn to the byrd and says 'Can you answer me something?'

Oo golly, thinks she. We'd been having something of a debate (we don't argue about couple stuff, just foolish petty things like the nature of truth, the limits of radical feminism and the intelect of anyone that joins the army). I'd been thinking about our latest "debate" (the army one) and was concidering the pro's and con's of dating a politically-inclined feminist (Either way, the conversation could turn pretty serious), so I put down my food and - pause for dramatic effect - the big Q...

'Why does your mate Lucie wear all that horrible white stuff round her eyes? It makes her look ugly'

'exit tension'

And a look of relief appears on her face as she remembers that not everything is as dramatic as it is in her head.
(Mon 23rd Apr 2007, 22:26, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Parents should not drive range rovers!
primery school

kid in the year below me is running late for school,
his stepdad has dropped him off in his range rover.

boy crosses road behind said range rover as step dad reverses out of parking space.

keiran never had a chance.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 16:15, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
Aids
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 12:52, More)