» Petty Sabotage

A warm tingling feeling in the nether regions
I was living with my mate and his girlfriend in Glasgow. Should be a laugh, I thought, they're both up for a good time.
Little did I know before I moved in that the girl was sex mad. She would talk about sex all the time, constantly have her tits out to show us (the boyf found this amusing), but the worst thing was that when we went out, she would go into the lounge and pleasure herself with her vibrator.
Not that bad, I hear you say.
Yes, but she would leave it sticking to the couch, or on the coffee table. The last thing you want to see when you're tucking into a plate of sausages is a large, pink, glistening vibrator looking at you.
My revenge?
Some cotton buds, some Tiger Balm, and a light coating on the vibrator.
Strangely, I never saw her little pink friend again.
Sorry about length, I'm new to this game.
(Tue 10th May 2005, 13:06, More)

» Going Too Far

Real life grave robbing
My mate, who shall remain nameless, and who I don't know if any of you lot grass me up, had a little problem with his mental health.
In order to help himself he thought that shooting up large amounts of speed into his veins would help him.
Obviously that didn't work so he became a rent boy. As he was straight.
Nope, still mad as a bucket of frogs.
Aha, I know, he thinks, I'll start to dabble with the black arts, paganism will sort me out!
So one night, whilst hammered, he went with his brother to a local graveyard, dug up a corpse, removed the head and put it in a bag.
Back home he had to boil the head to remove the flesh that was still on it, dry it out, and then he had a really nice candle holder.
That, my friends, is going too far.
100% Gadjietrufact
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 11:22, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over when....
1 - Jar-Jar Binks appeared on the screen and said "me-sa". I knew then that my love of Star Wars was gone forever.
2 - I couldn't be arsed getting up for work at BK on time so toddled in late to find fire engines outside the store. Someone tried to do my (highly skilled, honest!) job, couldn't o manage it, and set all the oil vats on fire. Suffice to say, I knew I wasn't going to be getting that notoriously difficult 5th star, and my career with them was over.

Come of folks, cheer up! We've all got each other, a predilection to drinking too much, and it's the weekend!
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 10:30, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

B3TA customers/ patrons/ parasites
If you want food that doesn't contain any additional extras -
1. Grow your own vegetables.
2. Tend your own livestock, then kill it (may not apply to veggies)
3. Cook it in your own immaculate kitchen, following careful food hygiene practises.

Otherwise, stop fecking whinging!
We don't care about you punters that come in, you're stopping the kitchens from being a place to skive in and it means we have to clean them after we've made your food.
We still get paid if we make 1 or 100 dishes, you're not special, you're just another gaping mouth to feed. Yes, you can lose your job, but there's loads more jobs, as there's always drunken fools wanting fed.
Having said that, I'm glad I don't do it anymore. IT does tend to involve less bodily fluids.

PS - Oh, you'll want a story. Ok, here goes.
Was working in BK in Bristol, having a lovely day. In comes some snobby girl with her mum, dressed up to the nines, and giving my staff a load of grief. She asks for a burger with extra ketchup. I send it out, it comes back with a complaint that there's not enough ketchup on it.
Cue 1/2 bottle of ketchup in the burger. We all peered over the shake machine and watched as she bit into this burger, which promptly exploded over her lovely white blouse. Strangely she didn't complain.
(Thu 27th Jul 2006, 16:32, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

They thought I was dodgy, I was just being helpful, m'lord!
I went into work one day at BK, and on the way up the stairs to go to the staffroom to get changed, I see a young girl, crying her eyes out.
I go up and ask her if she's ok, and she says "No, I've lost my mummy".
Being a helpful chap, I tell her to come with me and we'll go and see the manager. She was scared so I held her hand and started walking down the stairs.
"What the hell are you doing?" I hear shouted in my direction. A woman comes running down the stairs, grabs the kid, and marches off before I have chance to explain my deeds.
I think nothing of it, go and get changed and then start my day as normal.
A few hours later I get asked to go into the office for a chat with the manager. The manager has just received a call from the police saying that a woman had reported a "weird looking character" who tried to take her kid and claimed to work there. My manager, bless her, deduced that it could only have been me, considering at the time I had flame orange dreads and a double nose piercing.
Oh, how we laughed!
Next time I'm going to ignore the kid and let's see if the mum likes seeing her daughter on the front pages of all the newspapers.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 8:59, More)