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Englishman abroad in Spain, not allowed anything sharp.

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» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Army friends
An old marine friend of mine and four of his mates went for a weekend in Blackpool. Marines are a decent bunch but hard as nails: they have to be.
The idea was to get drunk, recover, get drunk again. On the first night they were more or less shitfaced going back to their hotels; Enter stage left 23 of Blackpool's finest examples of cro-magnon shithead.
Blackpool has more than it's fair share of shitheads at the best of time. That lot would have picked a fight with each other of they couldn't find someone else.
Perhaps the worst thing my mate could have said was, "Lads we don't want any trouble", which is a pity as the reaction was for one of the locals to pull a knife.
This turned out to be a bad idea.
You may be asking how I know there were 23... well... it was in the paper the next day. 23 locals were treated in hospital for a variety of injuries including:
Dislocated shoulder (that was the one who pulled the knife).
Broken fingers.
Broken collar bones.
Broken cheak bones (an accident, he fell badly).
Twisted knees.
Dislocated ankle.
Concussion.
And my own favorite:
Minor surgery to remove a knuckle duster from where the sun doesn't shine.
Moral: never pick a fight with someone you don't know.
The five marines had a couple of scratches and one of them threw up.
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 21:48, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Paid for sex...
The 'flu saved me... Walking back to Kings Cross from work with the onset of the worst 'flu I've had. An old slag walked up and said, "Hello hansome, fansy a good time?". Then she saw me; ash white, sweating and shivering. She took one look at me, shouted, "FUCK AIDS!" and ran away. I had a temperature of 105 f for 3 solid days; there's something impressive about being too ugly looking for a hooker to shag...
(Mon 23rd Jan 2006, 21:41, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Bad bad sex
I've had the occasional bad sex but none to cap the exploits of a friend from college, Darren.
He had his eye on his bosses' daughter and took her out for a drink in the company van. Ahhh romance..
Anyway she drank. And drank. And drank. He had two pints (not wanting to risk his license or the works van), she, a not very big lady, had seven. Food didn't enter the equation.
They were driving on to another pub when Darren felt her hand unzipping him and a pair of slobbering lips on his cock (whilst he was driving). He pulled the car over, not terribly far from her house, and ask if she'd like to get in the back, which she did.
Events followed their drunker couse and all was fine until he finished... and she made a sound.....something like.... errrrrgh...
At which she Puked, pissed and shat herself. At the same time.
She came more or less to her senses and bolted out the back of the van, covered in god knows what and semi-naked. Darren did the manly thing and drove off.
Terrible sex was followed by frantic late night car cleaning, stench that woundn't go away, accusations from his boss and a new job.
Anyone care to beat that?
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 23:52, More)

» Heckles

Heckles
Not sure if this qualifies (OK I'm sure it doesn't) but worth a mention.

A good friend of mine was driving his bike and stopped at a zebra crossing. A blond vision started to cross... tall, beautifully built, legs to die for, breasts to.... you get the idea.
She had in tow a small scruffy looking dog.
My friend said the first thing that came in to his head..
"Hey Nice dog!"
The reply (does this count as a heckle?):
"Fuck off you cunt!!!"
The reply from my mate:
"Hey and it talks too!"
Makes me laugh to this day.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 21:15, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Drugs... both big and clever
Back in Student days on a Haloween saturday night, a friend decided it'd be fun to make magic mushroom tea. He must have brewed over 100 mushrooms forever and we set about drinking it.
The first sign of something amiss was watching, "The late, late breakfast show". To this day I remember Noel Edmonds interviewing someone with a live, flapping fish as a microphone.
My friend went to make a prawn sani; it took him an hour. Why? Because the prawns kept jumping off the bread and he had to run around catching them.
This is all pretty funny.... except we had the hilarious idea of going to the local pub, which was hosting a haloween fancy dress party. We spent half a terrified hour cowering in the middle of the pub as goules, ghosts and zombies looked on. Neither big nor clever!
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 16:26, More)
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