» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Important Question
You know how sometimes when you have not been chewing your corn on the cob enough how you get bits of it in your poo? Well what other foods does it happen with?

If you eat enough funny coloured food, will it change the colour of your poo?

If you freeze poo for a few months, will it regain its original texture and smell when it thaws? Why or why not?

You know how sometimes you have those 'Phantom Poos'? You know the type that I mean ... You go for a big poo, and you are sitting their straining away, feels like it is never gonna come out ... Suddenly, sweet release. You stand up, wipe and look down and the bowl is empty!#@ Who stole my poo? Do you lend any credence to the existence of poo gnomes? Where do they hide when you are pooing?

Do girls poo? Someone told me I often ruin my chances with women by talking about poo. Why is this? I make sure to include all other important points in the conversation too! "Hi, you look very pretty today. Did you get your hair done? It suits you! How do you feel about going for a meal later? If you want I can take you shopping first, it's on me! I had a big poo today, ohh God the smell! It streaked the bowl and everything! There was bits of corn and everything! How about you? Did you poo today? Have you seen that movie about poo? It's called two girls one cup. Here, look I have a video on my phone!"
Why does this ruin my chances? I thought girls liked complements, food, shopping, mutual hobbies and sharing of interesting stories.

You know how when dog poo gets old it goes white and hard? Does this happen to human poo? Why or why not?

When I wipe I use big handfuls of paper, big giant ones. But some people only use a couple of sheets at a time. Do they get poo on their fingers?

How come only some farts smell but all poo smells?

How come some poo floats and some sinks? If you tied a lot of the floaty poo together could you make a boat? How long would it last? I think the captain would be safe, cause no sharks would eat something that sails across the ocean on a giant poo.

If you can freeze poo, can you shave it down and use it as a poo pencil?

Why do people call an emerging poo a turtle head? That's silly! Poo has no flippers!

How come some people poo every day but some people poo every other day and some other people only poo once a week!

Is it possible to poo without going for a wee half way through? Is it possible to poo, wee and sneeze at the same time?

You know those explosion poos? The ones where you sit down, grunt, and pebble blast the side of the toilet? I don't like them. They make my bum sore.

Thank you for the time you have taken to answer my important questions.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:41, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Screwing with the tourists
I live in a well known tourist town in the south west of ireland, and I work as a bouncer here, so I have a lot of interaction with the tourists here. But last wednesday me and some of the guys I work with were out on the beer and we met a group of girls from California.

Whatever way the conversation went, one of the girls ended up holding up her hand to me and going "Hi-Five", so deciding I would string her along a bit, I said "What?" and started waving my hand at her with a perplexed look on my face. She then proceded to slap my hand. So I went "Arghhhhh, SHE HIT ME!".

I then had the joy of her apoligising, hand on heart, for assaulting a poor irishman ignorant of the fine Americian Custom of 'Hi-Five', while every Irish person in the pub was in stitches laughing.
(I know it's not something I have strictly heard a tourist say, so here is another one)

About two or three months ago, I had this Australian girl approach me when I was working (Now it is quite easy to tell I'm a bouncer, white shirt, black pants, radio headset, nametag with 'security' written all over it, first aid pack, etc) and say "Sorry mate, but I don't suppose you would know where I could get some pills around here would you?". So I said "Sure thing, I know just the guy, follow me." And took her to the head doorman, who promptly closed the door behind her.
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 15:37, More)

» When I met the parents

Fancy a Joint?
I was recently seeing someone a few years older than me and was taken back to meet the parents. We all went to the pub and had a great night, her 'rents ended up leaving about an hour before we did.

So Anyway, we arrive back to the house (A little worse for wear) and the father is still sitting up in the kitchen (1.30 am or so at night). He asks me would I join him for a cup of tea an a smoke, I politely agree, and he sends his daughter to bed. (Mind you, she is 30 years old)

So there I am, sitting across from this man in his mid fifties, all the alarm bells are going off in my head, I'm expecting to get the whole "What are your intentions with my daughter" speech. What I really really really was NOT expecting was for him to pull an ounce of hash from his pocket and say "So, will you join me for a few joints"
(Wed 25th May 2005, 15:21, More)

» How nerdy are you?

You are probably a nerd if you get this.
Little Johnny was a chemist,
But Johnny is no more,
For what Johnny though was H₂O,
Was H₂SO₄.
(Tue 11th Mar 2008, 11:08, More)

» Pubs

Frasier
I want to tell you all about an old Scottish friend of mine Frasier. Frasier likes his drink, and tends to have the most unusual things happen to him when he was drinking.

Once apon a time Frasier was in one of the local pubs, off his head as usual. A nice lively Irish trad band was playing (As tends to happen in Ireland). So Frasier was there jumping around the place like a mad man. Now, as unlikely as it sounds, into the pub walks a drunk midget. Somehow, Frasier ends up jumping around the place, with this drunk midget sitting up on his shoulders, he looks around the place, basking in the glory of all the patrons cheering and waving at their merry dance!

After a little while, he wonders why they are grabbing at him and he realizes that they are not in fact cheering, but screaming at him to stop. Turns out our Scottish friend was doing his energetic dancing under a ceiling beam.

The poor unconscious midget did not enjoy bleeding from the head as much as Frasier enjoyed his dancing.

There are many many more stories about Frasier and his antics locally, if my inability to write has not turned any of you off, let me know and I will post another.
(Sat 7th Feb 2009, 0:23, More)