» Now, there was no need for that...

Johnny One-Ball
playing pool with a couple of mates, a nice competitive edge comes into it, obviously...

Johnny is about to take the title, he steadies himself to sink the reasonably easy black...it was at this point that Mike, his highly inebriated opponent and close personal friend, decided to take this opportunity to try and put him off by "nudging his nadgers" with the butt of the cue...being drunk and slightly incapable of basic motor functions, he proceeded to absolutely smash Johnny in the bollocks from behind with his cue, it was reminiscent of a young babe ruth smashing a home run, only it was in a pub, and it was
pool and not baseball...

Poor Johnnny went down like a sack of spuds, and was in great pain. we laughed, he cried. real tears.

We had to call an ambulance cos he couldn't get up, and in the resulting examination, was saddened to hear that he would infact, be losing his left testicle...posthumously named "Brian"...due to "severe damage"...

He now has a "rubber Ball" and is known in our town as "Johnny One-Ball"

As if this wasn't bad enough, Mike also made him pay the £10 which hung on the game...

There was certainly no need for that...
(Mon 20th Jun 2005, 11:30, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Barbie Goes on Holiday...
I used to work as an ITC Technician at the local high school before going to University…spent the day emailing my mates and looking at dirty schoolgirls, it was the best job ever…until one day, I was sat in a year 8 IT class…I got an email from the headmasterasking me to look up some crap file and send it to him…

Simultaneously, I also received an email titled "Barbie Goes On Holiday"…which I opened sneakily as it had been classed as NSFW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)…basically, the email contained a series of pictures of a barbie doll, in a bikini, in various stages of insertion up a ladies gash…starting off feet first, then up to her knees, then the waist, then the boobs, then you could just see her blonde hair, and then nothing but a hand, cheekily waving at you from the depths of a fishy crevice…

I found this hilarious, and as such, decided to forward it to all my mates…and if people walked past, I quickly hit Alt+Tab and opened up my email to the headmaster…and carried on with that…I copied his email address so I could put it in my contacts…and thought nothing else of it…I finished his email and got back to the task in hand of forwarding filth to my mates…

Just as I was about to send it, I realised I'd forgotten my mate who had moved to leeds a few weeks earlier, so I went to my contacts, and cut and paste his email into the address bar, OR SO I THOUGHT!!! In reality, I'd clearly not pressed the cut button at all, and so I pasted the headmasters address into the CC box…and pressed send…then realised the grave error I'd made…

I got called into the Headmasters office later that day, to be confronted with colour prinouts of every single barbie picture laid out on the desk, in chronological order, and was asked to explain myself…which I tried to do…not very well…I ended up getting sacked on the spot for gross violation of school policy…

Can't look at a barbie the same way to this day...
(Thu 16th Feb 2006, 18:23, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Darth's Kitchen
I bought off ebay a life size cut out of every original starwars character...Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, C3PO, R2-D2, Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Yoda and Obi-Wan...

I tried to recreate the scene from Home Alone when he fakes the dinner party with those cut outs...but instead passed out and slept with C3P0 and Leia in my mum and dads bed.

I awoke to find that I'd positioned the remaining characters around the house and that darth vader was wearing my mum's pinny and was stood in the kitchen.

They were ritually burnt on bonfire night...at one point Han Solo looked strikingly similar to Simon Weston.
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 15:11, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Mr Shaw, you utter fat cunt
Mr Shaw hated me...with a passion...he picked on me, and often sent me out for doing fuck all...

One weekend, I went to watch my mates dad play rugby, Mr Shaw was on the opposition team...and I heard his nickname...

Incidentally, his nickname was "Little-cock", legend has it that this was because his cock was so tiny, in cold weather, it retracted itself INSIDE his body...

anyway, once this had entered the head of a 14 year old boy with a devious and cruel mind, I decided to repay the fat bastard...I broke into the science labs in the dinner hour, and daubed "MR SHAW HAS A LITTLE COCK AND IS SHIT AT RUGBY" on the whiteboard in what I thought was boardmarker pen...

anyway, I slipped out unseen, smug in the knowledge that the class would crown me king amongst men, and all the girls who had developed boobs would want to kiss me (with tongues)...

dinnertime over, we file into the class to see "Little-cock" frantically spraying the board with Jif (Cif nowadays) and rubbing frantically trying to remove what I had written...turns out that I'd used permanent marker pen, and it wouldn't rub off...

everyone pissed themselves, and thought it was funny...one lad shouted "Oi, Shaw, have you got a little cock then???" and a girl said "show us your little cock"...

it was at this point that he saw his arse big time...he grabbed the lad by the arm, and led him to his store room cupboard, where he deposited said gobby lad, and locked him in...

then sat in his chair and wept like a baby...in full view of a class of 14 year olds...

he left soon after, cos he was struck off for locking a student in a store room...and basically lost any sort of self respect for crying uncontrollably...

They had to get a new whiteboard in...cos even when they removed the ink, it had left a permanent reminder in a nice off grey colour underneath...

and I never got caught...

Revenge, sir, is a dish best served on a fucking whiteboard...he'll be pleased to hear that I got an A too...

hurray for me...
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 15:06, More)

» Useless advice

Bless my dad...
"Never shag a woman you can't lift, son"

Actually, thats pretty good advice.

Cheers Dad, I wish i'd listened to you.
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 16:40, More)