» Beautiful but Bonkers

Badgerbadgerbadgerbagder!
Saw a gorgeous girl on the train this morning. She was wearing a badge that said 'I am not a badger!'

Does that count? I'm worried that she always needs something around to remind her.
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 14:40, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Sticky car
When I was pretty small we used to drive to the continent reasonably regularly to go on holiday. 3 kids in the back of a car for 10+ hours is bad enough but apparently I used to add to the mayhem in my own particular way.

Standard drinks provision on these trips were those little juice boxes which you pierce with a straw. Every time my Mum would pass a freshly pierced one over her shoulder to me the same warning would come "Now don't squeeze it flimflam!" With depressing regularity the first thing I'd do would be grab it with superhuman strength liberally covering the interior of the car and whoever was next to me with orange juice/ribena/whatever. I think she eventually resorted to drinking about 3/4 of every box before handing it to me. Ha! I'd like to see her sort out my current drinking problem like that.


No apologies for strength of grip.
(Mon 8th May 2006, 15:38, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Bouncy bouncy!
On a park bench in Bordeaux. You get an altogether classier type of wino there you know.

Unfortunately I can't top the antics of a bloke at a party hosted by my brother and sister. He fell asleep against the side of the bouncy castle pint still clutched in hand. Not particularly unusual except that the aforementioned bouncy castle was then deflated as a response to excessive quantities of bouncy shennanigans going on (obviously they wanted to avoid losing their deposit as a result of unsavoury staining). When it was subsequently re-inflated it ended up over the top of the sleeping bloke leaving only his legs sticking out and looking very much like the wicked witch of the east. On being pulled out (complete with pint) he uttered the beautifully understated "Thanks mate, I was suffocating under there."
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 14:09, More)

» We have to talk

Haw!
suboftheday, you were cheating. Why didn't you just say "It's really obvious that you don't like me any more, but that you haven't got the spine to say so. That's fine with me because I've met someone else who does like me. Bye." Done, and no cheating involved.

I'm sure I would have been on the receiving end of "We need to talk." But my then girlfriend, of about 8 months, decided to convey this through the medium of mime. The mime involved sticking her tongue down another bloke's throat at a club.






Whore.





Not bitter. I'm with someone who is much better.
(Tue 24th Apr 2007, 14:29, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Ooooh, an inch either way!
Aside from some friction burns and some sport related groinal impacts (who knew that tiddleywinks could be so nasty?) my rude bits have not suffered too much (touch wood).

A family friend had a bollock-tingelingy awful experience that makes me wince to this day. He was standing on a kitchen chair to change a lightbulb (fully clothed, it's not that kind of story). Without warning the chair collapses beneath him and he gets several inches of splintery chair leg in the barse/notcher/biffin bridge/taint/badlands/scruttocks (thanks to Roger's Profanisaurus for many of those). It took ages to heal up and the doctors had to revisit it several weeks later to remove a previously undiscovered splinter, after which I'm told it healed up a treat. Now it just serves as a cautionary tale about changing lightbulbs without suitable safety equipment, (presumably including a pair of steel underpants).
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 13:38, More)