» Lies I told on my CV

I've seen tons of CVs...
... 'cos I used to work for a recruitment agency.

Some selected highlights:

- 'HOBBIES: Collecting Action Men' (got a job, great guy actually)

- 'REASON FOR LEAVING LAST JOB: Lack of promotion prospects, leading to assault conviction'

- ACHIEVEMENTS: 'four children'

And, the best of all, all from one CV:

'I have not threatened any former employers. This is not in my nature. I only handle rejection unsatisfactorily if I am taken advantage of. In no way do I have a problem in my behaviour with women (lecherous, harassing,etc.) I had a problem in my personal life in Spring 03 with a girlfriend which I have learnt from and am completely over. I am not prone to this problem. If I was earning £50k a year I would probably be one of the most interesting people around.'

Oddly enough, he did not get a job through us.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 14:35, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

The Hanson moment
Many moons ago, I watched Hanson performing the hellish 'Mmmm Bop' on Top of The Pops. i turned to my brother and said, 'that little blonde one, she's fit.'

My brother then informed me that I was referring to a 12 year old *boy*.

I felt very, very wrong. It was the Hanson Moment.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 10:46, More)

» Heckles

And then it all kicked off
I've been playing in bands since I was 15. At one such gig, a bloke shouted 'does your mother know you're out? hurhurhur'

Our (enormous, psychopathic, ginger) bass player replied 'Does your mother know who your father is?'

And then it all kicked off....
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 16:28, More)

» Stupid Tourists

True
A friend of mine works as a custodian at Dover Castle. The shop there sells huuuuuge replica swords. She once witnessed an obese seppo (seppo-septic-septic tank-Yank) and his weeble-like son looking at a sword which was labelled 'Excalibur.'
'Dad, is that like the REAL Excalibur?'
'Of course not, Hank. This is a copy. They probably keep the real one on a vault or somethin'
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 11:27, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

I love graffiti
See on a bridge in Merthyr Tydfil:
'Up to £50,000 go fish!'

?!?!?!

Seen on a six-section bridge in Troedyrhiw, South Wales - presumbaly the only rude six letter word they could think of:
'TAMPAX'

Seen at a bus stop on City Road, London:
'Tony is a junction creamer'

Answers on a postcard, please.

And finally, seen at Highbury & Islington tube:
'Jon Bowen fists pigs'
(Fri 4th May 2007, 14:28, More)