» Call Centres

Wind 'em up
My brother used to work in a call centre, cold calling, selling insurance or credit cards or something just as mind numbing.

One time he phoned a man, let's call him Mr Smith. Mr Smith was a very agitated man from London, who apparently hates Scotland. Before he could even get into the nitty gritty Mr Smith, enraged by the voice he hears on the other end of the phone, demanded to know where my brother was calling from.

"[Insert Company Name], we provide the service of [insert pish that they sell]."
"No!" yelps Mr Smith "...are you Scottish?!".
"Yes, our Service Centre is based in Scotland".
"Where in Scotland?" he asks angrily.
"Just outside Glasgow...".
"GLASGOW?!" he says in abject horror. "Why is a Glaswegian phoning me?! Who the hell are you?! Get off my bloody phone you scam artist!" and soon flowed into a torrent of bigoted abuse and Scottish slurs. Eventually said brother got a little bored and pissed with this man chirping into his ear and decided to have some fun.

He let him harp on for a little longer then eventually butted in, "Mrs Smith, please, Mrs Smith, I need to let you know that all our calls are recorded and I am quite offended at the abuse you are putting my way.".

He went mental. Everyone could hear him on the other end of the phone so they listened in.

"WHAT!? Who the fuck do you think you are talking to you Jock bastard!".
"Mrs Smith, please can you just calm down, there is no need for such language.",
"I am MISTER Smith, MISTER! Stupid Scotch twat!".
"Oh I'm sorry, it is just you have an exceptionally high pitched voice..."

#BOOOOOOOOOOOOP#
(Mon 7th Sep 2009, 1:08, More)

» Shame

Well...
I have a few REALLY bad ones, but can't say/

This fat ginger minger wanted my shlong. She asked if i wanted to see her tits...i replied with "Naw, yer cool."...harshest put-down EVER i think.

One felt up this REALLY stunnin lass at a gig while her boyfriend stood beside me (both random strangers) and when he turned round to see who it was (after she moaned in delight a few times) i ninja-like slipped off to the other direction and a random stranger got the blame...he probs got a kickin off the boyfriend too...

Having a wank, totally naked, and someone coming in the backdoor, que me scampering off to the toilet while leaving porn lashing out on the screen...

THE SHAME!!!

::EDIT:: I was drunk on all of these occasions

Oh...plus i was a fan of hanson...and yes...i'm a guy *cringe*
(Sun 27th Nov 2005, 21:47, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Made me chortle...
Was in this tiny, shitty, archaic public toilet. It was a "ruffin".

Still had the slot to pay your penny to get in.

Inside, faded, barely readable.

"Here I sit, broken hearted,
Spent a penny and only farted..."

Made me chortle so it did. Especially since it was now the late 90s and I had paid fuck all and left a chocolate hotdog the size of a small country.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 17:23, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Cumbernauld.
Enough said really.

Every year it wins a new award for being shit. I think the first time I heard of this, I was in Burton's buying shoes and there was a book at the cash point entitled "Britain's Crappest Towns". Cumbernauld was the front cover...

It once won the title of "Most Dismal Place in Scotland". It also topped a poll vote on Channel 4 for the place that most people would like to see demolished...

Tis a bit of a shithole. Except I live in the good bit...obviously...
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 22:20, More)

» Shame

The Fragrence of "The 36"
So...here i am, the day of a gig i have been waiting for for almost 3 months IAN BROWN in Glasgow. I went the thursday night, got pished and met the man himself...this was now friday, i was going again. ( I then went out on saturday too and get rubber, but that isn't part of this tale.)

I went to my mates house who i haven't seen in a good while. We get pished on cheap, dirty, "£3 for 3 Litres" Strongbow cider. I loved it. Battered down a couple of beers, and off we went for the bus.

When i drink, i piss like a camel. Well at the bus stop i had pissed 3 times and in his house prior, 2. The bus comes, its "The 36". Now all the buses i get ALWAYS....ALWAYS...without fail, either smell of sick or piss...it's an unwritten rule. Now as i am at my mates, i don't get The 36 very often. We pile on. This bus takes you EVEYRWHERE! For what is a 15minute journey, it takes the most detours you can possibly take! It takes usually an hour or summit to get into town.

So here we are, pished as a fart. My bladder tingles...I need to piss once more...

I have finished my last bottle and proceeded to launch it out the window (not a good idea when your on the top level of a double decker). So i squeeze...and i squeeze hard.

The pain was getting to the stage, where i wouldn't even talk, just nod and go "mmhmm" with viens popping out my neck.

The time has come..."fuck it" i thought, in my drunken state. I swagger the short distance to the furtherst back corner of the bus (we are already basically at the back). Whip out the scrat-end and piss my little heart out.

Pungent, Cider-infested piss collected in the corner and started to spread all over the floor as the bus twisted and jerked. The auroma could put you on yer arse. The packed bus kept their head down in disgust...and lifted their feet an inch or so off the ground, to make sure they don't get attacked by the golden syrup.

The funny thing is, i turned round to find a Ned (chav) sitting, looking striaght ahead...clearly in disgust...and i spied some yellow splashes up his "Daz - Ultra White" Lacoste trackie.

When i get reminded of this fateful day i cringe.

Hasn't stopped me from pissing in a fone-box, on a motor and EVERY time i cross Jamicia Bridge in Glasgow (and i'm pissed) i NEED to urinate into the Clyde...i think my tally is in double figures or so...
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 23:17, More)