» Mugged

WWII vet vs 3 chavs
My Grandad has just turned 80.

he was walking down the road in london and he was surrounded by 3 16 year old chavs.

they shouted at him to hand over his wallet and his watch or they would kick the crap out of him. this didn't seem to phase his partly because he is nearly deaf and partly because he used to be part of the Pathfinder regiment in the parratroopers in WWII. cue him telling them to do one then breaking the first chavs arm and pinning the other to the wall by his neck an inch of the ground and the other running away. apparently when the police turned up they had to restrain my grandad as he was still trying to turn the 2nd chavs face into part of the wall.
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 12:21, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

dont run in the house!
When me and my sister were only little we used to fight non stop. I would chase her round the house after she had tried to hit me. Eventually mother would scream "stop running in the house!" followed by her smacking me round the head. (Apparently it was always my fault).

Then on one fateful summer evening it happens again, my sis hits me round the head and I get up and start to chase her ready to give her a damm good thrashing. As she runs into the kitchen she runs straight into a bin liner that has a broken milk bottle in. Cue screaming that almost bursts my eardrums and more and more blood pumping onto the floor. The cut was so deep on the top of her foot that the skin flapped open in a neat triangle so that you could see all of the bones and tendons in her foot.

Later in hospital she hit the doc stitching her up and burst the sutures so there was blood everywhere again

Since then she has cracked her skull going down a hill in a forest on a bike with stabilisers and impaled her foot on a nail in the garden. It went right through her foot.

I have come to two conclusions. 1. Always do what your mum tells you, that way you avoid blood and screaming. 2. My sister is one clumsy bitch.

No apologies for length.
(Fri 5th May 2006, 11:29, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Barb wire hurts
When My mother was a teenager there was an adventure playground near where she lived.

Mother and a few friends decided to go there after hours and have a party inside, the only problem was that the gates were shut and the 8 foot fences were covered in barb wire.

so they start to go over one by one (they have already had a few before) eventually there is only one of my uncles friends left to come over.

As he got to the top he wobbled and steadied himself at which point he starts to wave at the guys below. He promptly slips and starts to fall headfirst but is suddenly stopped. as he looks up the barb wire had ripped through his jeans and ripped open is scrote which was now suspending him in the air.

I never did hear what happened to him afterwards, My mother and Uncle never speak about it now.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 13:13, More)

» Posh

personally im not posh at all
but i am decended from a faimly called the Wingfield family and they practically owned my town. the manison was pulled down about 30 years ago, the lord at that time used to own lamas and used to ride them into town. i still get into the local club called the Wingfield Club free because of it.
(Mon 19th Sep 2005, 13:30, More)

» Teenage Poetry

qotw
mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck,
she put them on the mantle piece
to see if the would........
fall off
(Fri 12th Aug 2005, 12:47, More)