» Family Holidays

Worst. Holiday. Ever.
Family decided to go and visit the grandparents. They lived in Sunderland. We lived in Dover.

After 8 hours on the M1, we arrive. Unfortunately, Dad hadn’t told them we were coming, and they weren’t in.

So we went home.
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 22:08, More)

» Failed

I failed to become James Bond...
...and it's all my Mum's fault.

After uni, jobs weren't as easy to come by as I imagined (who'd have thought an English Lit degree has no practical application?) So I spent several months at home applying for everything available and getting nowhere.

One position was with MI5's graduate program. Quite liking the idea of being seduced by feisty Eastern European double agents, I applied, without thinking I'd hear anything.

One day, upon coming home from my temp job my Mum pressed a large, serious-looking brown envelope into my hand, saying, "Open this - it looks important." So I went into my room and opened it up - turns out it's an invitation from MI5 to attend the initial test stage of their screening process. Awesome.

Then the letter says - and I'm paraphrasing here - "This is the first step towards a career in which you will have to keep important secrets - not only from people you don't know, but also from your friends, and even your family. So you should start now - don't tell anyone about the nature of this interview." Rightyho, I can do that.

On cue, in comes my Mum. "Is it an interview? Who's it with?"

"No-one."

"Son, tell me."

"Mum, it's not important."

"Look, I've been putting you up here since you left university and I need to know that you're doing the right things. What is in that letter?"

"Mum - I can't tell you..."

*Mum grabs the envelope out of my hands and reads the letter.*

Mum - "Oh my god! You're going to work for MI5! Wait here - I'm going to tell everyone!"

So, essentially, I failed the first (and only) task MI5 would ever attempt to give me in roughly 30 seconds. Either I'd be the worst spy ever, or my Mum is a criminal genius.

(I did go to the tests - it was all very odd. I didn't get in, and the country is doubtless safer for it.)
(Fri 5th Jan 2007, 22:47, More)

» Hotel Splendido

Pikmin porn
A couple of years ago my company, either as a reward or punishment, relocated me to Canada. While I tried to find somewhere to live, they paid for me to stay in a very average hotel out by the airport.

It was miles away from anything, and I had nothing to do in the evenings except read and watch telly, which got boring pretty quickly. Salvation came in the form of the in-room Gamecube, which cost about 5 bucks to play for half an hour; I got hooked by the game Pikmin and eventually racked up about $120 of room service charges.

Upon checking out, I sent the bill off to expenses, not realizing one thing; every single half-hour session of innocent Gamecube playing was itemized as "In-room entertainment charge." Or, to put it another way, exactly what it would have looked like if I'd been ordering new porno every half-hour.

This led to an 'interesting' conversation in which I had to try and convince the nice lady from HR that I'd actually been trying to help the spaceman get back to his home planet with the help of some magical flowers, rather than masturbating myself into a frenzy. I ended up paying the bill.
(Mon 21st Jan 2008, 20:47, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

I might win this one…
I’m a business journalist. A couple of months ago a company called me with a story about a project it’s developing in an unexplored region. It was a slow news day, so I did the interview.

This company was the junior partner in this project, so I called the other (much larger) firm involved to check out the rest of the story out. They gave me the same spiel, but did say “this is a pilot project that we’re looking forward to developing” – a quote I used in my article.

That, it turned out, was a bit of a mistake. Calling something a “pilot” project means you’re just trying something out, and to the larger company, this was technically true. However, for the smaller company, calling it a pilot accidentally gave this project the impression that it wouldn’t make any money, at least for a while – which wasn’t what they’d told their investors.

When my story came out the next day, using that one innocuous word caused the junior company’s stock to sell off by a third, leading to an ‘interesting’ discussion to say the least. Thankfully, I was able to prove it wasn’t my fault but theirs, as they hadn’t got their story straight with their partner and I had his quote on tape. However, they haven’t exactly beaten down my door to write about them again.

Total cost: $20 million, give or take...
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 20:08, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

A (serious) warning.
So, I’m a journalist. While my beat’s fairly specialized, infrequently I have to cover a scandal, or even a horrible tragedy.

I am very bad at this aspect of the job. I’m all too aware how intrusive it is to call relatives and ask them “how do you feel”. A hearty f-off is the usual response, and quite understandably so.

But nowadays, it often doesn’t matter what response you get. The internet provides all.

Today, the first thing a reporter does with a tragedy is to search for the affected person online. It’s not hard to find any social networking site profiles, giving you their interests, activities, and sometimes an address or phone number. The names of all their friends and probably family will be there too. They’ll be found and called for comments.

And all those photos? They’re public domain. The paper will take the one with the most pathos for its front page. (Died in a tragic boating accident? There’s a photo of you sailing with your sister? Perfect.)

I’ve written entire stories about the lives of people solely from their social network profiles, whether they’re Facebook, Myspace, Bebo or whatever. In general, people have no idea how much of their life is out there for people to see.

Seriously - use the privacy settings. Don’t let everyone access your profile, and don’t put the details of your life out there for all to see unless you’re truly unconcerned about the consequences. It’s just not worth it.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 23:29, More)