» Pet Stories

re: pacifist pooch
When I was very young we had a massive english sheepdog. Ridiculously good-natured. Never fought, never bit, nothing.

So we would take it for a walk in the local park (Toxteth, Liverpool) populated by scally kids and their baying pitbulls who would occasionally try to fight him. At which point (I said it was massive, yes?) my dog would... sit on them. An angry pitbull helplessly trapped beneath a still-placid sheepdog four times it's own weight is a sight to behold.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:07, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

water
off to a warehouse for a party, in the taxi, had couple of pills - should really get some water - stop at the next garage.

so as I'm at the window I start thinking: it's a warehouse, there'll be no taps... we might want a bottle each, or maybe three between us... no, hold on, there'll be other people there... shit, they might want some too...

I bought seventeen.

the taxi driver couldn't drive for laughing.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 11:04, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

turd on the tube
A few months back someone had let their dog do a massive and heinously stinky turd at the bottom of the escalators at Highbury and Islington tube. Thankfully managed to avoid it myself, but the guy in front, the guy who skidded for a good three feet in it, did the whirly-arms thing to stop falling over, and then had to get on a tube in the sweltering heat, in an enclosed space, stinking of dogshit, with everyone else in the carraige hating him... that guy had the worst journey ever. Bar none.
(Thu 7th Sep 2006, 13:32, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

pub toilets
I used to work in a pub back in Liverpool, nice place, decent punters. So we were a bit surprised / horrified to find that one of them had written the name of everyones favourite nazi hooligan scum "Combat 18" on the pub toilet wall.

The manager tries to get it off with bleach and a scrubbing brush, but after about an hour it's not come off, though it has changed a fetching shade of pink. Then inspiration hits him; a quick go with a pink highlighter and it now reads "Wombat 18".

it stayed up till they repainted, over five years later.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:11, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

"I am currently learning Japanese"
Actually I was at the time. I just hadn't got very far, so when I was up for a job and the guy spoke fluent japanese I was able to legitimately say, "oh I'm just a beginner..." next question.

I took it off the CV when the very next interview started with "Ace-san, nihongo no benkyo wa do desu ka?".
(Thu 6th Jul 2006, 22:54, More)